Saturday, May 29, 2010

Has this all been a dream?

Lately, I've been dealing with the feeling that this has all been a dream. Not just losing Aurora.... Everything. Taking the pregnancy test, going to the doctor appointments, watching the ultrasounds, finding out she was a she, feeling the movement..... It feels like it never happened! It feels as though I was never pregnant to begin with.

Sitting here, on the deck at the St.Lawrence River, with all the people we spend several summer weekends with... I start to wonder, when are they going to ask about her? That's when I realized, they didn't even know I was pregnant. I got my BFP (big fat positive) mid-September. After Labor Day, after we packed up for the winter. They didn't even know I was pregnant, let alone about us losing Aurora.

Part of me wants to shout it out!! I HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO IS IN HEAVEN! I want them to know about her, because I want to talk about her. She deserves to be known up here, because this is our special place.

I still can't help but wonder, would she be a river rat like me? Could she spend all day on the water like I could? Would she enjoy fishing as much as I do? Would she lay and watch the stars at night, thinking about what is really out there? Would she have enjoyed the river as much as her father and I do?

Once I start to feel empty inside again, it brings it all back. This wasn't all a dream, this was real..... Aurora is real. Aurora is really gone.

I go between those two feelings. A dream and the emptyness. I cannot seem to find that happy medium. Maybe in time.


  1. OMG...I have the SAME dream-like feeling! It's so bizarre. Caleb is such a huge part of my life but at times I don't feel like it ever happened. I always feel like telling strangers what happened. I'm dying for people to ask me when I'm going to have kids or if I have kids or questions that I can answer with a "I had a baby in April who passed away."

  2. I had the exact same feeling for a long time. It felt like being pregnant and having my son was a dream. That none of it really happened. It took a long time for that strong feeling to pass, although it drifts in now and then and it's been over 3 years.