Happy 2nd Birthday in heaven!

Birthday Anticipation

Tomorrow is Aurora's 2nd Birthday in heaven. And the anticipation of the day is killing me. I don't know why, but I thought I wouldn't be emotional. I haven't been emotional when I think of Aurora in awhile. So I just assumed, her birthday would come, we would celebrate it, and it would go... without all of the tears and heartache.

We are not doing anything big, like we did last year. Jason is still struggling when it comes to certain things, and I want to honor his wishes. I do want to continue, with something I would like as a tradition. To release balloons, letters to heaven, at 4:21pm.

As the time ticks on, it's almost April 21st. My mind just keeps going back to that day. Walking through everything that I did, everything that I felt.... reliving everything like it just happened yesterday.

Not too long ago, I watched the Duggars special, where they were in the ultrasound room as they found out little Jubilee had passed away. Her face, her reaction, I swear it mirrored ours. People said they expected more emotion from her at that time, but the thing is... I can't speak for Michelle Duggar, but I can speak for myself. It didn't sink in yet.

I think the moment it sank in for me, was seeing my mother at the hospital. She was already there, waiting for me, as I walked down the hall. I still don't know how she got there so fast, but I'm glad she was there.

All of that emotion that I felt that day, seems to be back again. It's going to be a long day.

Only a few moments till midnight.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

Aurora sweetheart, Happy Birthday.

I broke down today, only once. I couldn't keep it inside me any longer. The way we celebrated your birthday today should NOT have been the way to celebrate it. We should have not had to visit you at the church. We should not have had to send letters to you to heaven. We should have all been together, laughing, cooing, and watching you smash your cake all over your face.

I was talking with another baby loss momma, who recently went through a 1st birthday as well. It's so hard to feel like anything your doing is the correct thing to do to celebrate your birthday. Nothing felt right, because this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. This isn't what I had dreamed about for you.

I hope you know how many people love you. I think your balloons should prove that.


So many, with wonderful notes just for you!
I do hope that you enjoyed your cupcake! This is always the kind of cake I had in mind for you.




Your father and I are not happy with the little mischievous act you pulled on us today. Your daddy and I both had letters for you... and we also had a card. How come everyone elses letters made it, while ours got stuck?




Daddy and I are going to send more letters up tomorrow. I hope those make it to you safely.

I love you my sweet Aurora.

And as the evening ticks on. It's almost 11:59pm... the exact moment you were born one year ago. So close to midnight and a brand new day. So close, to be exact... the clock changed no more than 5 seconds after you were born.

Until we meet again in heaven. I'm glad to know you're there watching over me. I love you so very much my sweet darling. I'm sending you all of my love, today and always.