Monday, May 10, 2010


This feeling i am having, is totally new for me. The feeling of not knowing what is best for me. I usually always know what is best for me!! And ever since Aurora died, i have not known anything. It all started in the hospital, people asking so many questions about things and not knowing what we wanted... not even knowing where to start.

The one thing, i regret already is the photographer. I knew I wanted pictures of Aurora, because we can never go back to that time to get pictures, and like I knew I wanted to hold her. But they asked if we wanted pictures of us holding her. And I said no. It was too painful for me to think of that at that time. I haven't even recieved the pictures yet, and I regret not getting pictures of us with her... with the professional photographer that is. The nurses took a picture of Jason and I with Aurora on her digital camera, and I can't wait to get that. I can't wait to get all of my pictures. I made Jason call yesterday to see if they knew when we would get them. I need to see my girl again.

Another thing that I regret is going back to work. As much as I love those kiddos I'm currently teaching, and have really grown to like the school... it's too much for me. There's so much going on in my head that I can't be the best teacher i want to be. I thought that it'd be a good distraction from everything and really take my mind off of losing our daughter. It hasn't worked. Not one little bit. Instead I find myself walking on eggshells all day, and hoping that the kids don't say anything that'll make me break. There have been too many times i've shooed a kid away that wanted to share with me things about them, because I wasn't in a good mind. There have been so many mornings, like this morning, where I was crying in my classroom in the morning before I go pick them up, during lunch and during specials.

I was asked to work 4 weeks in a school that I love, in a grade that I love, and for a teacher who is very dear to me. But I honestly don't know if i can commit myself to work that long so soon again. I'll be working over my due date.... to work on my due date...... I don't think I can do that. If I cannot commit myself to every day during those 4 weeks, I don't think I should take that position. As much as i'd love to!!! I also have a doctors appointment during those 4 weeks, and I might be going to Syracuse during that time also. I just don't think I can do it. So I really think I should just go back to "choosing" when I work. Atleast until the end of the school year. As for the summer, we cannot financially do it if i don't work. And that stinks, majorly.

I regret not enjoying my pregnancy more. I remember during the first trimester, I told Jason that i wasn't sure if we'd have a 2nd child or not because of how awful of a time I was having. The morning sickness lasted so long, I couldn't take my pills without gagging, I couldn't smell or think about chicken at all! As my belly grew bigger, I hated it. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy enough. And now, I don't know if i can enjoy new pregnancy... because of the constant fear that something may go wrong again.

Something I don't regret is loving and taking care of Aurora. Even though I didn't enjoy my pregnancy, I loved my pregnancy, I loved Aurora. I still love Aurora, and miss her more every day. I never thought I could miss someone this much. I never thought, not in a million years, that i would ever have to miss my child, our daughter.

I love you Aurora Rose.


  1. I have similar regrets. We forgot our camera, and NILMDTS doesn't do photographs for babies as little as Caleb. I got some with my camera phone, which I love, and the nurse took a few with the hospital's camera, but they are all totally blurry. I don't have a good picture of his perfect feet, and none of just his hands. I didn't take enough time to examine every inch of him. I didn't touch him (I thought he'd be to fragile). I didn't snuggle him as much as I should have (I mostly held him out and looked at him). I didn't encourage DH to hold him more. I didn't bring anything from home to give to him, like a blanket or a stuffed animal. I'll probably be doing a similar post of my own soon, if for no other reason so that if anyone might be going through this they can be sure to not miss anything.

  2. I had my own regrets after we lost Ella Grace. So many regrets, but it is a part of grief. Know that you did everything you were equipped to do in that situation. You could not have done everything that you thought you "should" have done. You were in such a state of hurt and pain that you did the best you were able to do and that is all anyone, even yourself, can ask of you! Give yourself a break and know that you love Aurora and that's all you can do! Sorry you are having such a hard time! [[[hugs]]]