Monday, May 3, 2010

It's the little things

Driving in the car today, I finally turned on the radio after almost 2 weeks of having it off. I was alone, and my thoughts started taking over... which is why I turned on the radio. Lady Antebellums Need You Now song came on. Throughout my pregnancy that song was always on the radio whenever I drove somewhere, I always sang it when it came on, and I joked that it was the song i'd sing to Aurora. It came on so often I downloaded it and made sure i listened to it once a day, and i sang it to her once a day. I know, it's a weird song to sing to your baby, especially since some people call it the booty call song. But it became special to us.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now. Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now. And I don't know how I can do without. I just need you now.

So needless to say, as soon as the song came on I immediately thought "Here's our song Aurora!" and went to sing it. I even touched my belly. Then it hit me. I couldn't believe I let myself do that. I should have turned the station, but i listened to the song... and sang the parts that now mean something to us.

I then thought about cashews. I honestly don't think i'll be able to eat cashews anytime soon. Before we knew Aurora was Aurora... we nicknamed her cashew. When we first found out we were pregnant and started telling people, someone said "Oh you have a little peanut." Jason looked at me and said "I don't like peanuts, i like cashews" and so cashew was her nickname.

It almost makes me wonder about how i'm going to be with my next pregnancy. Which yes, i'm already thinking about. I know i'm not going to replace her. I was just so mentally ready, physically ready, emotionally ready to be a mom, to have a baby. I know you think those things when you first start trying... Jason and I were ready a long time ago. We were always waiting for a job for me. Then when, about a year ago, I found out that the school district that i've been trying to get a job with was not hiring. That's when we decided to start trying to get pregnant. 4 months later we were. We were ready then.

But there's something totally different. The feeling you get the closer and closer and closer you get to having a child. I was 5 weeks away from my due date. I wanted her every moment. I wanted her every day more and more. I was so ready for a baby, so ready to be a mom. So yes, i'm already thinking about my second child.

I'm just thinking about the special things. The cashews and the songs. I know i'm going to be very scared with everything that i'm doing!! I'm going to be cautious about everything... not even going to eat heated up deli meat. No hot dogs, no dying of the hair, no none of those things that i'm not supposed to have. Even though the doctors say that they're ok in moderation. I know i'm going to be that way....
But those special things. The special things that make the pregnancy, well, special. The nicknames. The songs. Will I want to do those things? Will I feel right doing those things? Because... what if. What if this happens again?

I can't think that way. It's just so hard not to.

One day at a time as mom tells me.

First lets wait for the results of her autopsy and genetic testing to come in.
Then Jason and I need to get genetic tests done.
Then we need the A-ok from my wonderful doctor.
Then we need to wait, until we get pregnant again.
Then we can figure these things out. The nicknames. The special things. When to tell people.

One day at a time.

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