What I was looking forward to the most

I'm glad that yesterday was a good day, because it was the day that I felt like talking to people about Aurora and people were willing to listen. It feels so good when people want to listen, because I want to talk about her.

Today was one of those days, however, that i'm not sure I could have talked about her to people I'm not comfortable crying in front of. It was not a very controlled day.

I think that the hardest things, is what i'm doing this weekend. I'm not home. I'm at the place I was looking forward to taking Aurora more than anything. The St. Lawrence River - The 1000 Islands. It feels good to get away from home. It feels good to get away from all that surrounds home. And as much as it feels good to be here, it hurts.

I've been coming to the 1000 Islands since I was born. Since I was born in November, i was more like 8 months when I first came to the Islands, but we never missed a summer here. We'd take our family vacations here, to the same campground, every summer. Some of those years we'd spend close to 2 weeks vacation camping on the river, taking the boat out, fishing, swimming and enjoying campfires and card games. My grandparents bought a place up here, where my grandmother spends all summer. And recently my parents took the place over. I was really looking forward to bringing Aurora to the river. I pictured her out in the boat, with the lifejacket we already have. I thought of her in the years to the future, swimming in the river, teaching her how to fish and how to never be afraid of worms. I thought about the French Festival that they have here every year. It's not that big of a thing, but it's something we've never missed. I pictured pushing her around in her stoller, and in the years watching the fireworks on the river from the boat, giving her the 1st french pastry, sitting and watching the play in the middle of town.

The river has so many special meanings to our family, we couldn't wait for Aurora to join us so we can show her all of the special things here. It was at the river that Aurora got her name. So many years ago, before I knew of Jason or even thought of having kids... i named her. I knew I wanted to name my daughter Aurora. It was the summer before my Poppy passed. My father, my grandmother and I were spending a few days up at the river. One evening, my father was outside watching the river when he saw something in the sky. He ran in to get us, to make sure he wasn't seeing things. And what we saw, was the Aurora Borealis. My father and I stood outside watching it for the longest time. It was such a great moment. Some people think Aurora was named after Sleeping Beauty, but she wasn't. She's named after the Aurora Borealis, something that I witnessed at the river.

All of this makes being here so difficult. But it does feel good to be away from home, and away from everything... and for some reason, it makes me feel closer to her here too.