2 years ago...

Two years ago I woke up from a dream. A dream about a baby girl, with the name tag Rose, dropped off at my door. I opened the door and snagged her up and told her I'd never let her go. That's when I noticed people out there looking for her. They banged on my front door as I hunkered down low so they couldn't see me. I hugged that little girl and told them they'd never take her from me.

I wonder if that dream was really telling me my future. That they'd take my little girl away?

When I woke up from the dream, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I have very irregular cycles and never had an idea on when my period would show up. So I always had tests on hand and every month I'd take a test when I realized that I hadn't had her inawhile. About 2 weeks before, I had slight spotting and thought I was getting her. My dog was even in heat and whenever she was in heat, I usully had my period.

So many things lined up. But I didn't want to believe it when I got that positive on the pregnancy test. So many tests before that had been negative... But finally. A positive. I hadn't been that happpy in a long time!

Two years ago I knew my life was going to change.

If only I knew then what I know npw...

Guilt

Guilt.

It's such a strong word when you've had a loss. It can mean many different things, and all of them at the same time.

You feel guilt, thinking that you did something wrong. If only I went to the ER or called my doctor the first moment I felt something was wrong. If only I had expressed my concern more. If only I had done things differently. I feel a lot of guilt about my sleep; I slept on my back a lot. I sometimes wonder, if it wasn't how I slept at night... that this happened with Aurora. What if I had done things differently?

Even if you can get past all of that guilt. When you've had a loss there's a lot of guilt on how you're supposed to behave. To honor Aurora, am I supposed to hug/squeeze/play with/talk to/feed/teach other babies? How am I supposed to love her properly, when I'm busy with other babies? The guilt will eat at you.

I do have to say, that since the day when my grandmother looked at me and told me to get over myself... the guilt has gone away. Not fully. But the majority of it has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not feel as bitter or jealous or guilty as I once did.

Last week, I even held a 2 month old girl! She was my first girl since Aurora. It was an amazing feeling. I could have never done that a few months ago! Not with the amount of guilt I had. Since then, I also made my first pink baby afghan to give to someone since making the one I made for Aurora.

I don't know if I think of it as, I can't believe it took me this long to get rid of my guilt... or if I should think of it as, I can't believe I have already gotten rid of my guilt. But one thing is for sure. I'm so glad that my guilt is pretty much gone.

I love you baby girl!

10 Months

How has it seriously been 10 months since we lost you Aurora?

There's so much I can say about 10 months. My first thought is, *only* 10 months? It feels like we've known you and loved you and missed you forever. It sometimes feels like this pain and this hurt has always been there. So the fact that it's only been here for 10 months is shocking.

10 months is so close to a year. The year mark is slowly creeping up on us, and it's starting to make me very nervous. Daddy and I are already planning your birthday, and what we want our tradition to be. An Aurora cupcake, balloons to heaven and visit to you at the church. The only part daddy and I aren't sure about yet is if we invite anyone or not. Do we invite them? Do we tell them what we are doing and they can show up if they want? Or do we just go and do our own thing?

10 months. I still cannot believe it.

This Week is full of Milestones

This week is so full of big days and milestones. The first one being yesterday, 7 months since we lost Aurora. 7 months?! I sometimes think about where the time has gone, it doesn't seem like it's has been 7 months at all. To think that Aurora would have been 6 months (or almost 6 months old) boggles my mind. 7 months also means that we are getting closer to 12 months. 7 months is 7 months too long to go without her.

The next big day would be tomorrow. My birthday. This time last year, I did not think that I would be childless on my birthday. I always had this number in my head that I wanted children by.... 30. Now, I'm one year closer to not reaching that goal. I know it wont be the end of the world if I do not have a child by this time next year, but it will be a big disappointment.

Third, Thanksgiving. As I think it will be hard for anyone who has lost their child this year. Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, but honestly... I can't think of what to be thankful for.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer about it. I know I have a wonderful family, a loving husband, a decent job, a roof over my head and food in my fridge. But without Aurora in my arms, it's hard to push that aside and be thankful for everything else that we do have. All I am reminded about is what I don't have, and that's my daughter. How can I give thanks when I'm not thankful for what has happened this year?

These next few days are going to be difficult. A week of milestones. I hate milestones.