Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Tougher than I thought

So many things that have happened are a lot tougher than I thought. I thought I was so much stronger than I have... people have commented on how strong I am! But I guess i'm not superman when it comes to grieving.

Work has been one of the things that is so much tougher than I thought it'd be. I thought i'd get my mind off everything with going back to work. The thing is, it's not that easy. My mind still goes wild and off on it's own. Like today, while I was reading Hatchet outloud to my students. I forgot how my mind can do 2 things at once, because here I was reading aloud, and all I could think about was how Aurora was listening to me read part of this book every day... and how she'll never hear the end of the story. Luckily my kids go to special right after I read aloud, and I was able to have a good cry.

It's also hard seeing everyones faces. These poor people see me and don't know how to act around me anymore. They're cautious over what they talk about... i can see it, i can hear it in their voices! Their eyes tell so much, they see me and are reminded of what I went through. They look at me so sad, but also scared at the same time.

I can't imagine, most of them do say. I can't imagine most of the time myself. Sometimes i feel like, was i pregnant at all? Sometimes I think I really am still pregnant. You don't know how many times i've touched my belly these past 2 weeks!!!

I held back so many tears today!!!

I thought working would be easier. I didn't think i'd have to hold back as many tears as I had.

The first day back was so bad I had to go home after half a day. Holding back the tears wore me out, as well as the kids. Jason having surgery yesterday didn't help thing either.

Today the kids were better, so I think that helped. But things still wore me out with holding back the tears. Hopefully tomorrow things will get better.... and with each day i'm sure they will.

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