Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Eve

In my family we always hide money outside on New Year's Eve and retrieve it on New Year's Day. It represents there always being enough money found to live throughout the coming year. Everyone always has their own box of money with coins from their year of their birth.

This year, we made a box for Aurora. I want to place it at the columnbarium tonight and we'll retrieve it tomorrow. So far her box only has nickles and pennies in it. I cannot find any other coin for 2010 yet. I want dollar coins, half dollars, quarters and dimes too. Don't they make new coins every year? I'm very shocked we haven't found these yet.

I'm glad to see 2010 go. Even though it was the year we met our little girl, it's also the year we lost her and also a year of so many other struggles. I really hope that the new year will bring lots of happiness to our family that we have yet to find.

I also hope the new year brings luck and happiness to all of the wonderful women I have gotten to know these past 8 months. For the kind of hell we've been put through, I think we deserve it.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

So Alone

I've been home alone a lot for awhile now. If Jason is working, and I am not... there's really not much that I can do but sit home. Today wasn't my first day alone. But for some reason, it felt like it.

I don't know if it is the New Year coming up, the recent holiday or my struggles in TTC catching up with me. I just felt like crawling back into bed and sleeping all day long. None of the usual distractions for me worked today. Laundry, dishes, TV, online games, online forums, reading my book... NONE of it took away this alone feeling. NONE of it took away the empty feeling in my heart.

I sometimes think that this feeling will never really go away. That scares me. It also scares me to think that the feeling will go away. I hate it.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Penny #14

Thank you for the penny today. We stopped at CVS before picking up your half brother. I had some pennies in my pocket and was dropping some pennies for other angels. I had dropped one before going in. On our way out I started to drop a few more when I noticed a penny I had not noticed on our way in. I had to stop and double check with dad that I had only dropped the one penny before going into the store. I knew that one was for me. Thank you so much for all of the pennies lately. We are missing you like crazy lately.

Friday, December 24, 2010

First Christmas In Heaven

Merry Christmas my dear sweet Aurora. I hope that you are enjoying your first Christmas in heaven. Mommy and Daddy miss you a lot down here and wish you could be here so we can spoil you rotten. You will be on our thoughts all day, much like every day, but even more today. We love you.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Penny #13

Thank you for the penny today honey! I was out doing some last minute shopping with Grandma and Poppy, when we stopped at Wegmans. It was there as soon as we got out of the car. I had to say to grandma, "excuse me, there's something i'd like to pick up." Because she didn't see it yet.

I was thinking about you a lot today too. Thinking about all of the stuff we would have bought you. I'm sending you lots of hugs and kisses for your first Christmas in heaven.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Penny #12

Thank you for the penny today at the grocery store. I ran in real quick to grab some items to make a shrimp chowder that I'm going to share with Great Grandma. I had actually dropped a penny of my own a few seconds before noticing the penny from you. Its been awhile since I found a penny from you. So thank you very much. With Christmas coming up I really needed it. Love you and miss you tons.

PS. And now looking at the clock I found it around 11:23. Thank you for that.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Candlelight Ceremony

Tonight, my support group had a candlelight ceremony to honor all of our children. It was both beautiful, and very hard to sit through.

My parents, were chosen to read the Grandparents credo. Watching the both of them stand up in front of everyone and stating how their "grief is two-fold and at time we feel powerless to help." hit me so hard. The biggest line that hit me in the credo was "We allow traditions to change." Because that is exactly what they did for me this Thanksgiving. My parents have been our rock through all of this, completely understanding of everything that Jason and I are going through. I honestly do not know what I would have done with out them.

A candle to burn with a glowing flame
To symbolize your face and name
A holiday season, an annual strain
We try to be joyful and play the game

So we'll rekindle our flame of love
For you, on this special nice.
We love you, child, and the special
Lit candle, that now burns bright.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Special Tradition from Great Grandma

Every year, since the year I was born, my grandmother has been buying me a collectors piece from Reed & Barton. I get the Noel Bell. And this year I will be getting my 30th bell from her.

This is not only a tradition she does with myself. She gets a total of 14 yearly items for everyone. When Nick and Jason joined our family, they started getting one too.

This year I took my grandmother to the jewerly store to pick up all of the items. I sat with her as each one was shown to her and as she named off who they were all for. Then out one came, a new order, and she couldn't remember why she ordered it. They can't remember if she ordered it, or if the people at the store ordered it thinking she might be interested in it.... since she does have the biggest order every year of these yearly items. They sat there wondering. It was a new item, a 1st edition, and I think it was for Aurora. She places her order for the next year when she picks up the items for the current year. I think she placed an order for Auroras.

A few days later my grandmother called me asking me to take her back to the jewerly store. When we sat down the lady brought out two items and wanted me to choose. Grandma looked at me and said she wanted to get a special ornament for our tree for Aurora. There was a beautiful crystal angel and a silver butterfly to choose from.

It just so happened that the silver butterfly was a Reed & Barton, from the same company who makes my bell. It was perfect.

So when we went out to get our tree today. Her ornament was the first one I placed on it.

It is a beautiful butterfly. It is beatiful like Aurora, and will always be treasured.

Thank you (Great) Grandma.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Oh Christmas Tree

Jason and I decided to get a Christmas tree for Aurora and everyone at her columbarium. We set up the special tree tonight.

We put some dragonfly ornaments on her tree, and also have some silver balls that we are write all of the names of the people in the columbarium on. The two special ones are going to Aurora and my Poppy.

There are still bad days

Sometimes something happens in your life and in a blink of an eye, it totally changes. Sometimes for good, and sometimes not. Sometimes things can happen so suddenly, that you don't have time to prepare. You spend the next days, weeks, months and years putting the pieces back together.

There are still days, that all I want to do is curl up and go back to bed. There are still days that the dishes wait a little longer, the laundry piles up and the bed doesn't get made. These are the days where I think about the should have beens. The, what I would be doing today if things had turned out differently.

"Some love stories are not epic novels. Some are short stories, but that doesn't make them any less filled with love."

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Merry Christmas

I wasn't quite sure how to word our Christmas cards this year. I didn't really want to put "The Blaisures" because it seems so informal. We couldn't just put from Stephanie and Jason, because we had Nick there too.... but if I added Nick, it felt weird. Part of me wanted to include Aurora too.

So since we couldn't make up our minds, we went with the plain "The Blaisures".

We did include Aurora in our family photo. Every year we always get a family photo done, and from now on we will always include the rose in our pictures. Aurora will always be with us and be included when we do family things.

I just wish our family photo would have been different.