2010 Quarter!

As I have stated before, we have a New Years tradition where we place money outside on New Years Eve. We each have our own box full of coins from the year of our birth.

Aurora has her own box, and up until now, I had only been able to find pennies and nickles. Well, I found a quarter!! What a small simple thing that fills my heart with joy. A 2010 quarter for Aurora's box for New Years. All we need is a dime, and it's complete!

Of course getting a dollar coin and a half dollar would be perfect as well, but I will not bank on getting those. The four basic coins are all that we are hoping for.

New Years

I've been meaning to write on here about New Years Eve. I just never got around to it. I feel bad that I haven't done so, and was putting it off. But here it is, only 17 days late.

Last year I wrote about our New Years Eve tradition. Aurora's money box still only contains pennies and nickles. I have yet to find any other coin that has a 2010 date stamped on it! This year I also placed one of the ribbons we wore at her funeral in the box. It was the one my grandmother wore.

We once again placed the money at the columnbarium where Aurora is. Not wanting someone to take it, we dropped it off on our way to Grandma and Poppy's house.. and picked it up on our way home shortly after midnight.


When we are at Aurora's columnbarium, we can see the Security Mutual building. They always have it lit up, and in more than just the green color. On New Years Eve, this is how they had it lit.

I love it when they have it lit like this. For some reason it reminds me of the Aurora Borealis, and reminds me of Aurora. I love it.

Penny #53

Thank you so much for the Thanksgiving penny yesterday! I wasn't even going to go out shopping, but I did, and that's when I saw that lovely penny by the door. I was putting the cart away and told grandma that she needed to pick it up! But since I saw it first, she gave it to me. :)

Thank you so much hun! I am so thankful to get those special pennies on these special days!

Happy Fathers Day

I handed Nick a fathers day card and told him to fill it out and put it in the gift we had hidden for Jason in his room. Then I walked away.

When Jason opened up the card, he had tears in his eyes. Then he told Nick to hand the card to me.




Nick is such a sweet older brother! I know he misses his sister a ton.

Happy International Babylost Mothers Day

We cleaned up the columbarium today from the fall and winter. Took care of all of the dead plants we planted last summer, and planted new ones. I knew on this day, we wanted to celebrate my Mothers Day a special way.

We needed to find a plant that will thrive in both the shade and the sun. There are two of these columbariums at the church. 8 spaces wide, 3 spaces high, and they have "rooms" (for lack of better term) on both sides. So far only a few of them are being used. A lot of them are reserved. Like the two on either side of Aurora. My parents are going on her right. Jason and I are going on her left.

Auroras side, we noticed, gets no sunlight at all. When the sun rises, it's blocked by the church. When it's overhead, it's blocked by the columbarium. When it sets, it's blocked by buildings.

The opposite side gets all of the sunlight all day long.

We found out begonias and petnias both do well with direct sunlight and shade.... but we HAD to go with begonias. It's a huge side story in our family.



Everything looks so much better now! I really hated the fall and winter, it looked so bare, so dreary. Now everything looks just, better! It looks so loving there.

I cannot wait for these flowers to really spread out and fill in the open space.



I also cannot wait until these clematis really start climbing all over this angel that my grandmother made!! It's going to look so beautiful there. I'm so glad Jason and I took over cleaning it and keeping it looking so nice.

I'm liking this new year!

Since the holidays, i've actually been doing really well emotionally. I can't really explain the change, but I can feel it. Don't get me wrong, I still miss Aurora like crazy, and still get sad sometimes.... but i'm different now.

I thought having a blog would help me express myself. However, it's so hard when I don't even know how to describe it to myself.

I kind of knew that I've been feeling better, but never really wanted to admit to it. That was until today, when a co-worker at work told me I looked beautiful. This lady, I like to call her the witch doctor, for various reasons. She speaks with a very heavy spanish accent, and she said I looked extra beautiful today, gestured with her hands around her face and gave me two thumbs up.

I knew exactly what her gestures meant. I looked happier. I looked myself. I didn't look like a woman taken over by grief, by the loss of a daughter. As much as I dont like to think that I looked that way... I did. You could tell by looking at me that I was not in a good place. I could always tell with my eyes.

Today, however, is different. I can't pinpoint exactly when I started to feel better. I can't tell you when the major grief started to go away... but it did. I can feel it, and i'm glad others can see it.

I just hope that this is a sign of better things to come for Jason and I.

I love you my darling Aurora.

New Year's Eve

In my family we always hide money outside on New Year's Eve and retrieve it on New Year's Day. It represents there always being enough money found to live throughout the coming year. Everyone always has their own box of money with coins from their year of their birth.

This year, we made a box for Aurora. I want to place it at the columnbarium tonight and we'll retrieve it tomorrow. So far her box only has nickles and pennies in it. I cannot find any other coin for 2010 yet. I want dollar coins, half dollars, quarters and dimes too. Don't they make new coins every year? I'm very shocked we haven't found these yet.



I'm glad to see 2010 go. Even though it was the year we met our little girl, it's also the year we lost her and also a year of so many other struggles. I really hope that the new year will bring lots of happiness to our family that we have yet to find.

I also hope the new year brings luck and happiness to all of the wonderful women I have gotten to know these past 8 months. For the kind of hell we've been put through, I think we deserve it.

So Alone

I've been home alone a lot for awhile now. If Jason is working, and I am not... there's really not much that I can do but sit home. Today wasn't my first day alone. But for some reason, it felt like it.

I don't know if it is the New Year coming up, the recent holiday or my struggles in TTC catching up with me. I just felt like crawling back into bed and sleeping all day long. None of the usual distractions for me worked today. Laundry, dishes, TV, online games, online forums, reading my book... NONE of it took away this alone feeling. NONE of it took away the empty feeling in my heart.

I sometimes think that this feeling will never really go away. That scares me. It also scares me to think that the feeling will go away. I hate it.

Candlelight Ceremony

Tonight, my support group had a candlelight ceremony to honor all of our children. It was both beautiful, and very hard to sit through.

My parents, were chosen to read the Grandparents credo. Watching the both of them stand up in front of everyone and stating how their "grief is two-fold and at time we feel powerless to help." hit me so hard. The biggest line that hit me in the credo was "We allow traditions to change." Because that is exactly what they did for me this Thanksgiving. My parents have been our rock through all of this, completely understanding of everything that Jason and I are going through. I honestly do not know what I would have done with out them.

A candle to burn with a glowing flame
To symbolize your face and name
A holiday season, an annual strain
We try to be joyful and play the game

So we'll rekindle our flame of love
For you, on this special nice.
We love you, child, and the special
Lit candle, that now burns bright.

Happy (?) Thanksgiving

Today has turned out to be harder than I thought it was going to be. I just can't be thankful for anything when the thing that I am not thankful for is so huge. I'm trying, I really am. I just can't do it. I can't help but think about all the things I should be doing today. I can't help but think about the cute thanksgiving outfit I would have bought for Aurora. I can't help but think about how Aurora would be on solids now, and how I would have found a turkey flavored baby food.

I can't help but think about all of these things that I should have been so thankful for... and then the tears come.

So now I have to go, and try my best not to be sad to bring everyone else down. I just hate this. I hate all of this.

7 months later, and today hurts just as badly as it did day 1.

I think the part that hurts the most, is seeing everyone else being thankful for things that I can't be thankful for. And the whole thought of why them and not me. Why do they get to be thankful today. Why do they get their happy ending and not me. What the hell did they do so much better that they deserve it more than I do?

Pity party today for one. Happy not-so-thankful Thanksgiving to you.

This Week is full of Milestones

This week is so full of big days and milestones. The first one being yesterday, 7 months since we lost Aurora. 7 months?! I sometimes think about where the time has gone, it doesn't seem like it's has been 7 months at all. To think that Aurora would have been 6 months (or almost 6 months old) boggles my mind. 7 months also means that we are getting closer to 12 months. 7 months is 7 months too long to go without her.

The next big day would be tomorrow. My birthday. This time last year, I did not think that I would be childless on my birthday. I always had this number in my head that I wanted children by.... 30. Now, I'm one year closer to not reaching that goal. I know it wont be the end of the world if I do not have a child by this time next year, but it will be a big disappointment.

Third, Thanksgiving. As I think it will be hard for anyone who has lost their child this year. Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, but honestly... I can't think of what to be thankful for.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer about it. I know I have a wonderful family, a loving husband, a decent job, a roof over my head and food in my fridge. But without Aurora in my arms, it's hard to push that aside and be thankful for everything else that we do have. All I am reminded about is what I don't have, and that's my daughter. How can I give thanks when I'm not thankful for what has happened this year?

These next few days are going to be difficult. A week of milestones. I hate milestones.