Wednesday, September 22, 2010

5 Months

How did the 5 month mark pass, and I didn't even realize it. I went the whole day, thinking of Aurora, but never thinking about what the actual day was.

I cannot believe it's been 5 months already. 5 months since I held Aurora in my arms. 5 months since we said hello, and good bye at the same time.

While at times, it feels as though we are still so fresh and new with our grief. It also feels like it has been forever. I find it hard to remember the times before we lost Aurora. This pain, this emptiness. It feels like it has always been there. I cannot remember being happy. Truly happy. Is that strange? Is that wrong?

The months have seemed to fly by without her, and they have seemed to drag on too.

I think I am still in shock over all of this. My feelings are still so fresh, new, and so hard to explain. The deadness, the emptiness, the loss of hope.

I love you Aurora. And I miss you more than words can say.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

A year ago today...

A year ago today, I woke up early after having a very vivid dream of a baby girl being dropped off at my door. We were having a garage sale and Jason was busy setting up. I decided to take a pregnancy test, even though every single test I took before that always came back negative.

When that blue line showed up i didn't know what to think. That line NEVER showed up before!

I called Jason right upstairs, when he saw the test we couldn't stop smiling and hugging. It was honestly the best feeling.

I found my copy of What to expect while you're expecting and actually started to read it. I had no clue how far along I was, but suddenly the signs started making sense.

One year ago today was the beginning of our dreams and hopes of the future. Who knew that the dream would all come crashing down on us just 7 months later.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Penny #9

Thank you for the penny today when we were dropping your half brother off with his mom. I really needed the good pick me up today. I've been missing you a lot lately, thinking about the could have beens. The what would we be doing right now if you were still with us?

As the "one year ago" mark is coming up on when we first found out about you arrives, i've also been thinking about the things that were happening one year ago. You've been on my mind even more than ever, and since you are on my mind every minute of every day already... that tells you how much you are on it.

I love you. And thank you still for all of the pennies.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Faces of Loss

I shared my story, along with too many other women on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.

Although writing that story was quite difficult, it did feel good when I was done. Just like the group meetings that I go to, it hurts to talk about losing Aurora... but afterwards it's so much better.

I hope that my story gives hope to some of the other women out there coming across the website. I have read a lot of other stories, and have been moved by them. It's not fair that this has happened to these women. A website like that should not have needed to be made. But since it is, i'm glad to be a part of it and the hope that it brings.