Saturday, May 1, 2010

Debbie Downer

I feel like i'm Debbie Downer! I just can't seem to really fully enjoy myself, and when i'm around other people i'm so afraid that i'm going to bring them down.

I need to stop being so kind. I need to stop thinking about other people. It's hard, it's always been my nature. I start crying and I immediatly look at the people and say "I'm sorry". I've done that so many times this past week! Jason hates it that I still cry. I can tell that he wants to make it all better, but knows that he can't. It's just going to take time. And the thing is... it's not going to be any quick fix. I hope people will understand that.

I was always shy and quiet to begin with, but now i find myself totally not there at all. When i'm around people sometimes my thoughts take over and i drift into them. When I snap out of it, i find that the conversation has continued around me and I don't realize how long i've been out of it. I also find myself walking away from people when my thoughts take over my mind and I need to have a good cry. This is good, but I hate that I have to do it. I hate that I can't fully be there around people.

The way people look at me hurt. I can tell by their eyes that they want to help, they want to make the hurt go away, but they have no idea how! I have no idea how. The only way to make it go away is to bring her back. Let me wake up tomorrow morning and realize that this was all a bad dream. Let this just be a horrible nightmare to where I will never take the life we created for granted! I already knew that. I didn't need that lesson to be taught to me!

Every night when I go to sleep, I hope that I will wake up feeling Aurora kicking me in the bladder. And when i realize that this isn't a dream, it's like a punch in the gut all over again.

I am learning to control my tears. But there are still moments when they can't be held back anymore. There will always be those moments. I do not want to bring other people down. I do not want to be the Debbie Downer of the party. So let me have my moments. Let me cry. I will be ok.

1 comment:

  1. When you need to cry...cry! This all still very fresh and you have to give yourself permission to feel however you feel!!!