Thursday, April 28, 2011

Penny #22 and #23

Thank you so much for the pennies today sweetheart!!

The first one was in our own driveway. I was walking up to dad in the garage when I just noticed it, there in the crack of the driveway where the garage door comes down. That one was meant for dad wasn't it? Since he's always in there.

The second one was when dad and I were at a store looking for a new camera. We were just talking on our way into the store that he thinks when I "look" for them, it's cheating. Well, on the way out of the store... I wasn't looking for them, and that's when I found it!

I love the fact that i've been finding more than one penny these past few times.

Thank you again so much hun. I hope these pennies mean good things to come.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

Aurora sweetheart, Happy Birthday.

I broke down today, only once. I couldn't keep it inside me any longer. The way we celebrated your birthday today should NOT have been the way to celebrate it. We should have not had to visit you at the church. We should not have had to send letters to you to heaven. We should have all been together, laughing, cooing, and watching you smash your cake all over your face.

I was talking with another baby loss momma, who recently went through a 1st birthday as well. It's so hard to feel like anything your doing is the correct thing to do to celebrate your birthday. Nothing felt right, because this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. This isn't what I had dreamed about for you.

I hope you know how many people love you. I think your balloons should prove that.

So many, with wonderful notes just for you!
I do hope that you enjoyed your cupcake! This is always the kind of cake I had in mind for you.

Your father and I are not happy with the little mischievous act you pulled on us today. Your daddy and I both had letters for you... and we also had a card. How come everyone elses letters made it, while ours got stuck?

Daddy and I are going to send more letters up tomorrow. I hope those make it to you safely.

I love you my sweet Aurora.

And as the evening ticks on. It's almost 11:59pm... the exact moment you were born one year ago. So close to midnight and a brand new day. So close, to be exact... the clock changed no more than 5 seconds after you were born.

Until we meet again in heaven. I'm glad to know you're there watching over me. I love you so very much my sweet darling. I'm sending you all of my love, today and always.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Day 364

Day 364 is reminding me a lot of Day 1. Well, maybe not exactly day 1... but day 10 or day 20. My emotions are on a roller coaster, and I'm having a hard time controlling them. Tears have been popping up for no known reason for about a week now, and only getting worse the closer we get to April 21st.

I honestly cannot believe that it's been a year. It really feels like yesterday that I was feeling her kicks inside me. That I was getting nervous that I haven't felt her in awhile. That I was sitting in the waiting room... just waiting to get called in. I can still hear the u/s techs voice as she excused herself from the room. I can still see the eyes of everyone as they saw me. I can still feel the hug my mother gave me when she first saw me.

The hospital room is so fresh in my memory. And so is seeing and holding my daughter for the first time and last time.

Today, my heart is still heavy with hurt. My mind still goes crazy with what should have been. My pain of losing my daughter still feels like day 1. Only now, it's a year later.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Thank you for the sign

I have to admit. Whenever we go anywhere I always look for pennies. Today, however, it was quite windy and half of the time I couldn't see where I was walking, let alone look for pennies.

In one of the stores, I was looking for one last little part of a gift for someone. I found something that was perfect and bought it. My total? $4.21.

I'll take any sign you can give me. Thank you honey.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Penny #20 and 21

Thank you for the pennies today at Uncle Shauns house. I was watching your cousins while Uncle Shaun was at work, when Uncle Shaun came back I was sitting outside. That's when I noticed a penny stuck in the dirt in his lawn. When I went to pick it up, that's when I noticed the second penny not far from it.

Thank you so much for that today.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

More Pennies?

My class and I went on a field trip this morning. On our way back onto the bus, the student right in front of me dropped a penny. I'm still not sure why she had a penny, and why she had it out... but she did. The penny fell, and landed right under the bus. It wasn't far under, and she could have easily picked it up, but I wouldn't let her since the bus was running. You never know, and we needed to be safe. Part of me wanted to pick it up, and take it as a penny from Aurora, but If I couldn't let her pick it up, I shouldn't have either.

She got sad for a split second, just a quick "Awww, my penny." But then I told her that it was okay. Someone was going to find that penny, and it'd be a penny from heaven to them and bring them comfort. She seemed to like that idea a lot.

It's so nice to know what a comfort such a small penny can really be.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Penny #18 & #19

I found penny #18 and 19 on Monday morning. I took the morning off to get some bloodwork done to see why my body hates me so much. After leaving the doctors I stopped at Subway to get something to eat. I had to fast for my bloodwork, and was starving! As soon as I stepped into Subway, I found penny #18. I was on cloud nine!! I was waiting for the one worker to come serve me, but she was ringing a customer out.

That's when I heard coins drop. I looked over and the lady said "I'll get the quarter, but i'll leave the penny for someone." to her son.

The whole time I was waiting, I was thinking.... should I pick it up? Is it really a penny from heaven when I watched them drop it? And during that time of ordering my breakfast sandwich, i decided that it was a proper penny from heaven! My darling made her drop her change. So when I walked by, I picked that penny up!!!

Two pennies in the matter of 5 minutes! That made my whole week!