Wednesday, May 12, 2010

It's not fair!!!!

My emotional rollercoaster continues. I'm still living life hour by hour, atleast it was upgraded from minute to minute. This morning was a good day, but the afternoon faired something different. I totally do not know where it came from, but later in the afternoon it was the comments from other people that made it worse.

I currently work in a very low income area school. Honestly, a lot of the parents do not care about their children, and it sickens me. How can these parents not give a damn about their kids? How can these parents not take care of their children? They don't care about taking them to school, or when they get there. They don't care to look in their backpacks or care how they are doing in school. They don't care about what their children walk to school in. Bottom line, they don't care. And they keep having children.

How is that fair? How is it that I would go to the moon and back for Aurora, I would care for her beyond anything! And I can't keep her. How is it fair?

At a staff meeting this afternoon, the principal was stating some of these facts about the parents of these children. She just continued talking.... "How can we get these parents to understand how precious their children are? How can we get them to see their babies? These are their babies!" And she just continued going and going. I almost walked out. I seriously almost stood up and walked out to go cry. I held back the tears. I held back the sobs. I looked down, took some sips of my water, and once she stopped talking I was finally ok.

I wanted to scream out. "Let them feel my pain! And maybe they'll understand." But i was surrounded by people I still do not really know. I've been in that school for 12 weeks now, but i'm still not comfortable around a lot of them.

I still want to scream out. TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS! LOVE YOUR CHILDREN!!! How can they take their lives for granted? How can they not love their children, and give them everything that they need. I'm not talking just money and possessions. I'm talking love, shelter, food, and more love.

How is it fair? How is any of this fair?

How is it that a mother, can smoke, drink and do drugs all throughout her pregnancy and have a healthy baby? How is it that this same mother can not take care of her beautiful child, to the point where she almost has frostbite? I haven't had to face this mother yet... but she's family... and i'll have to face her eventually. I'm afraid, if i'm not fully healed, that I will blow up at her. I'm afraid that even if I am healed, i'll blow up at her. I hate that this unfairness is right in my family.

I miss you Aurora. Please know i'd do anything for you. I love you Aurora Rose.


  1. Britt is right. It isn't fair. I hate this for you, I don't understand why Aurora was taken from you, and I am thinking of you every single day.
    The emotional rollercoaster will continue and you will have no choice but to ride. I know this cannot fix everything, or anything, but there are people all over thinking of you, loving you, and learning amazing lessons from you everyday. <3