Somebody needs to have a girl!

I've been debating writing this. Only because I know some family members read this still. But, It's something I just need to get off my chest to make myself feel better. And also so I don't blow up in their face the next time I hear it. 


I really, really hate when family members talk about other people's pregnancies and say "Well, I hope it's a girl, because somebody needs to have a girl around here!" It's like a stab in the heart. Somebody did have a girl around here!!! I think what you really want to say is "Somebody needs to have an alive girl around here." I understand that on my mothers side of the family, all of my mothers alive grandchildren are boys, all of my aunts grandchildren are boys, all of my uncles grandchildren are boys, all of the close friends grandchildren are boys, all of my 2nd cousins grandchildren are boys... I get it. We have a lot of boys. 


But to say "somebody needs to have a girl around here" is so hurtful. I know that they do not mean it that way, but I always smile my fake smile and then cry about it later. 


It also makes me feel like a failure. Everyone wants a girl so badly, I had a girl, but I just couldn't keep her alive. It wasn't good enough to satisfy their needs of a little girl. I failed them. 


Who knew such a simple saying could affect me so, especially almost 2 years later!

TV Triggers

When I say triggers, it kind of sounds negative, doesn't it? I don't mean these triggers as bad triggers. The one, makes me smile. The other makes me cry... but it's not bad. I kind of just wanted to clear the air before going into the TV shows.

The first show is Big Brother. I am a huge fan of this reality TV show! I don't watch a lot of the reality TV show games.... but I do watch Big Brother and I have been watching it every summer since the beginning!

Jeff, is one of my favorite players and I was so happy to see him back again this season. Then, he really became my favorite player for a T-Shirt that he wears constantly.



This was the best picture I could find... but if you notice, his shirt says Aurora. Now, i'm assuming it's for Aurora Colorado. I would love to learn why he wears it all of the time!

I was sad when he got kicked off the show, only because I wouldn't see him wearing that shirt anymore. It made me smile whenever I saw him wear it.



The second TV show that has triggers is my soap opera. All My Children. Back in, March maybe, a character on the show was pregnant and her daughter was stillborn. In weird soap opera ways, the mother never knew her daughter was stillborn as they had another baby right there. The mother is also blind and was passed out at the time of the delivery. When that episode happened, seeing the father cry and mourn was so hard.

Now, the mother is finally finding out that the child she thought was hers, is really not. And I have to relive the crying and screaming that I know all too well. It's weird. Maybe because I know it's not real... but it's not bad. It's not something that is painful to watch. It's just something that makes me cry and think of my sweet daughter.


Two unlikely TV shows take me back to my daughter. It's strange how things work like that.