Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy (?) Thanksgiving

Today has turned out to be harder than I thought it was going to be. I just can't be thankful for anything when the thing that I am not thankful for is so huge. I'm trying, I really am. I just can't do it. I can't help but think about all the things I should be doing today. I can't help but think about the cute thanksgiving outfit I would have bought for Aurora. I can't help but think about how Aurora would be on solids now, and how I would have found a turkey flavored baby food.

I can't help but think about all of these things that I should have been so thankful for... and then the tears come.

So now I have to go, and try my best not to be sad to bring everyone else down. I just hate this. I hate all of this.

7 months later, and today hurts just as badly as it did day 1.

I think the part that hurts the most, is seeing everyone else being thankful for things that I can't be thankful for. And the whole thought of why them and not me. Why do they get to be thankful today. Why do they get their happy ending and not me. What the hell did they do so much better that they deserve it more than I do?

Pity party today for one. Happy not-so-thankful Thanksgiving to you.

Monday, November 22, 2010

This Week is full of Milestones

This week is so full of big days and milestones. The first one being yesterday, 7 months since we lost Aurora. 7 months?! I sometimes think about where the time has gone, it doesn't seem like it's has been 7 months at all. To think that Aurora would have been 6 months (or almost 6 months old) boggles my mind. 7 months also means that we are getting closer to 12 months. 7 months is 7 months too long to go without her.

The next big day would be tomorrow. My birthday. This time last year, I did not think that I would be childless on my birthday. I always had this number in my head that I wanted children by.... 30. Now, I'm one year closer to not reaching that goal. I know it wont be the end of the world if I do not have a child by this time next year, but it will be a big disappointment.

Third, Thanksgiving. As I think it will be hard for anyone who has lost their child this year. Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, but honestly... I can't think of what to be thankful for.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer about it. I know I have a wonderful family, a loving husband, a decent job, a roof over my head and food in my fridge. But without Aurora in my arms, it's hard to push that aside and be thankful for everything else that we do have. All I am reminded about is what I don't have, and that's my daughter. How can I give thanks when I'm not thankful for what has happened this year?

These next few days are going to be difficult. A week of milestones. I hate milestones.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I dreamed!

I dreamed of Aurora last night!!! The part of the dream that was the best was when I found a note from Jason talking about how he got up this morning, changed her diaper and got her dressed in a costume. So when I went to get her, she was dressed in a crocheted bunny outfit that was way too cute. I picked her up and started talking to her. I asked her if she wanted to have some tummy time today and she was smiling at me.

I didn't want to wake up from my dream, but I did. I'm glad I could have slept in today, because I did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to go back to sleep and dream some more of my dear Aurora.

I hope I can have more dreams of her soon.