Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Work and Name Plates

Today was my last day of work until I start my summer job in July. I might work "when I feel like it", but atleast that way, all the work that i'd need to do is already planned out. I don't need to plan anything, and that's half the stress.

As I was walking out of the building, I started to cry. It wasn't because I was leaving my co-workers, it wasn't because of the kids. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have to plan work for these kids. I no longer have to think about what to teach next. I no longer have to worry about these kids. Their regular teacher is back, and I no longer have the stress that comes with a group of students. So a huge weight lifted off my shoulders... and i could finally feel again.

The thing is. I didn't like what i was feeling. I felt everything. Every raw emotion that was only covered up by the stress of the class i was teaching. I could feel the emptyness and the worry. The daughter I longed for all of my life, with the name I choose over 10 years ago, is in heaven waiting for me. I am a mother, I have a daughter, and have nothing in my arms to show for it but grief. In my heart I have everything, and I can feel all of the joy and the sorrow. I can feel all of the fear. Will I get pregnant again? Will i be able to carry to term? Will I ever have a take home baby? Will I ever get a daughter that we always wanted?

I do not like feeling everything. I think that is one of the reasons why I went back to work so quickly in the first place. So now it's time to really cope, to really heal. This is going to be hard.

Auroras name plate is also in, and more questions are asked. Do we want to be there as it's being placed? Do we want to know when it's being placed and just show up afterwards? Or do we just want to show up someday and have it be there? More questions that we don't know how to answer! How would we feel? What do we want? What would be best for us?

These questions are so hard to answer! Especially when all the answers are obvious.
How would we feel? We feel like crap anyways, we feel empty and broken. So is this really going to make any difference?
What do we want? We want our little girl back. That's the studpidest question ever.
What would be best for us? The best would be to have never gone through this in the first place. The best would be to have our little girl in our arms right now.

We're going to ask to be there as it's being placed. I can't wait. She'll no longer just have an empty cover where nobody knows she's there. Auroras name will be there forever, and someday, i'll be on her left and my mother will be on her right. Surrounded by those who will love her forever.

I miss you Aurora. Even more today.

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