Thursday, August 26, 2010


I still have not dreamed of Aurora. I can't wait for the night that I do.

However, last night I dreamed of a dragonfly. I dreamed that one landed on my hand and just hung out there for the longest time. I felt some comfort come over me.

I still cannot wait until the day where I see my daughter in my dreams. But for now, i'll take all the dragonfly dreams I can take.

Monday, August 23, 2010

This Woman's Work

All The Things We Should've Said That I Never Said,
All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,
All The Things We Should've Given But I Didn't,
Oh Darling Make It Go,
Make It Go Away...
Give Me These Moments,
Give Them Back To Me,
Give Me A Little Kiss,
Give Me Your...
Give Me Your Hand Baby,
Give Me Your Pretty Hand,
Ooh My,
Your Love Child,
Whatever You Need,
Give Me Your Hand,
Give Me Your Hand Babe

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The New Me

I hate the person i have become, because of grief. The person who really wants to be happy for the new parents, and the pregnant woman.... but just can't be. I hate that I physically cannot be happy for them!

I hate how I've become boring, and anti-social. I don't want to do anything, or go anywhere. I'd be so happy laying in bed all day with the laptop on my lap.

I hate how I cry at the drop of the hat. I have never cried this much in my whole life, and just when I think all my tears are gone, they come back.

I hate how NOTHING has a positive outcome anymore. I always think to the worst of every situation. I hate how I now live by our little joke statement. If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have luck at all.

I mean. What do i have to show? I have my masters degree and a permanent certification in teaching... but for 7 years now i have not gotten a job. I was always good, but not good enough... and then when i was good enough, they're not hiring! 7 years i've been trying for a job. The more this goes on, the worse it looks for me. Will I ever get a teaching job or will I be stuck to substituting my whole life?

And for the past 4 years, I finally get pregnant and have nothing to show for it. I have an angel baby that I love more than anything, but there is no baby in my arms. There is no baby to flock over and oohh and ahhh. I have nothing.

I try to look to the bright side. I have a wonderful husband who I love so much. I have a great family who is always there by my side. And I have loving friends who always care. But it doesn't seem like it's enough. We struggle, we give all we have and we struggle. We just can't seem to catch a break.

I have nothing positive to look forward to!

The grief has taken away all of my hopes and dreams. The grief has stomped on them over and over again.

Why is it, that someone who does not try.... someone can just fall into the perfect life that I have tried so hard to have? How is it that they can't work for it, and have it so wonderful? How is it, that i still have nothing?

I hate that I think this way.

I hate that when I look at myself in the mirror i see dead eyes, eyes with no life in them.

I hate this new me. I didn't want it. I didn't ask for it. Take it back, take it all back. Bring back the old me!! The chipper, happy, positive girl! I want her back. I hate this new me. The negative, mean, sad girl. I don't like her at all. I don't like me anymore.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

August 19th Day Of Hope

I dropped of my memory box at the hospital today. It was such a simple thing, that means so much to someone. I was lucky enough to have friends and family who were able to gather these things for us, but not everyone has that option or has those things ready.

I first stopped off at the information desk to see if they needed to take it first. I told the lady there what is was and that i was donating it to labor and delivery. She jumped back and gasped and then started to cry. She said her daughter just lost her son a few weeks ago. So I told her that it was almost 4 months for me, and she asked "Does it get any easier?" I didn't know how to answer her. Yes, it gets easier.... but it still hurts like hell.

I dropped the box off with labor and delivery, and then cried my way home. I really hope that my box never reaches someones hands, but in the reality that it will... i hope it brings them comfort and peace.

The NILMDTS photographer told my parents that he going to the hosptial about once a month, so knowing that it happens that often is scary. I think that this is something i'm going to donate more often, and not just on August 19th.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

August 19th Day Of Hope

August 19th Day Of Hope

All around the world, women are getting together and donating items to their doctors offices and hospitals around the world. When a family is hit with the devastating news that their baby has died, it's out of the blue and everyone is unprepared.

I remember I took the morning off of work, and was supposed to go in for parent/teacher conferences in the afternoon. It was so busy in the doctors office, I was constantly looking at the clock wondering if i was going to make it in time for my first conference. Nothing sank in after we were told. I was just thinking about how i still need to make it back to the conference and was wondering when they were going to schedule things. It never sank that I had to deliver her right then and there. The walk over to the hospital was the longest walk ever. Jason and I had nothing. We had nobody to take care of our pets, we had no other change of clothes, no hospital bag packed of any type of goodies. We had nothing. We had to let other people run around and do what we needed.

So tomorrow, i'll be donating a memory box to the hospital where Aurora was born sleeping. There's not much in the box, but there's enough. A small blanket that I made, an elephant with a wonderful quote, a sented candle, a disposable camera, a hat and a picture frame. I'll be adding in a card letting the family know that they are not alone.

I hope they never have to give this box to anyone.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Family Reunion Season

Well its family reunion season. So that means its time to add Aurora to our family tree. Its not one of those things I can just pass off and have a family member do. Its something I have to do.

You don't really know how hard it is to write down her birthdate and death date as the same day. To put it in the tiny spot for additions to the family.

Its like ripping a piece of me out, if they can even find a piece that isn't already gone, to write that down. Luckily, I only have to do it this once. Hopefully I'll add in more births in the years to come, but no more deaths. Hopefully.

Best Mama Award

You know those silly things that go around facebook? Those "you've been hit", "if you have a wonderful sister", "if you have the best son".... the post this type of things?

Well. There's one going around my friends right now.

BEST MAMA AWARD☆☆Once you've been hit, you have to hit eight moms who you
think deserve an award. If you get hit again you will know how truly
amazing you really are. If you break the chain, nothing will happen. ♥But it's always nice to know that someone thinks you're GREAT

And of course, nobody has hit me yet. I don't know why it has bothered me so much. I hate those things. But don't I get the best mama award too?

Friday, August 13, 2010

The question

We saw a friend of my brother-in-law today. One we've only met maybe 3 times before. We met them this past fall when we found out we were pregnant. So the last time I saw her we were pregnant.

Well, we saw them tonight and of course when my sister-in-law was introducing us she said "oh yes. You guys had a baby!" And there was this weird noise coming out of everyone and then silence. I kept waiting for someone else to answer her! Why couldn't someone else say something?? So finally I said "No. We lost it." IT!? IT?! Why the hell did IT come out of my mouth! Aurora was not an IT! Why couldn't I just said "we lost her"??

I'm so sorry Aurora. You are not an IT. I did not mean it. I love you and you are not an it. Please never think that!

And that question. I never thought I'd run into it. I just thought everyone knew. Why shouldn't everyone know? We lost our daughter. The whole world should know!

I'm glad I got my penny today. I think Aurora knew it'd be a hard one for me today.

Penny #8

Thank you for the penny today in the building at Summer Fun. It was our last day, and hopefully my last day ever because I'll be raising your little brother or sister. I still keep thinking about how I wasn't supposed to work this summer. I was supposed to be raising you. So it was nice to see those! Half of my pennies were found at Summer Fun.

Thank you for the pennies for both dad and your brother today too. Nick found his on the playground, his first penny from you! I know he felt so very special.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Forever kind of love

The love between a mother and daughter is forever. It is a bond of the strongest kind. It is a love of the present, interwoven with memories of the past and dreams of the future. It is an unconditional, forever kind of love.

Forever and always.