The good and the guilty

Today was a good day. While at work, i felt like talking about Aurora.... and i did. During lunch, on my planning period and after school. I talked about Aurora to coworkers and it was wonderful. I didn't cry. Not at all. I smiled actually. It was nice to talk about her and my experiences.

I talked about going to Syracuse for further testing. I talked about her delivery. I talked about how beautiful she was. And the thing I liked about it, is I didn't cry. It was nice to finally talk about her and my experience and smile. I don't know if it's because i'm not 100% comfortable around these co-workers. Or if i'm finally past all of the sadness when i speak of her, and can finally see the good. Aurora brought us so much joy. It feels wrong to cry about her sometimes.

At the same time, I felt guilty that I wasn't crying. I felt like I need to cry to fully mourn my daughter, and that sometimes, if i don't cry.... it's like i don't really care about her at all. I hate feeling that way, cause i know it's not true.

One of my co-workers today asked if I was ok, and wondered if I blamed myself. She of course, said it in a very very nice way. I told her how, strangly, I don't. I told her what i had written here, that I have the thoughts... but not the feelings. She said something that really hit me. I wish I could remember her exact words now. She said that it seemed like Auroras strength was inside me. That Aurora knew we didn't do anything to cause her death and she left her strength with me just to make sure I knew that. It really hit me. Aurora is with me, and always will be.