Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Auroras Funeral

As my aunt said, how can a funeral be beautiful? But Auroras was beautiful.

It was the 2nd hardest thing i had to do, picking my little girl from the funeral home and carrying her to the church. It felt good to hold her again, but not in that way.
The whole way to the funeral home, before getting her, I felt so empty. Even more than I had been feeling since Wednesday. I was not ready for that. I was not ready to pick up my daughter and say goodbye.

Jason was wonderful. He continued to ask if I wanted to wait until I was ready. The thing is, I could never be ready. How could you ever be ready for a thing like this? Although there were 5 of us in the car, the whole ride was silent. I was holding my girl again, and I so badly wanted to see her face, to hold her hand and to kiss her cheeks. But i held on tight to her urn, and closed my eyes and dreamed of doing all of those things.

At the church Jason and I went in to the chapel first. The flowers we had bought were there, and they were beautiful. The roses were the perfect shade of pink, and the lilies accented them so well. We placed Aurora next to our roses that we bought for her and told her how much we will always love her. I still was not ready for this. I could hear our family shuffling in behind us, but i never once took my eyes off of Aurora. I tried to be strong, but it wasn't working. It wasn't working as it had before.

The service was short. Just what we had wanted. Anything too long would have been too much for us. We walked outside to the columbarium and said goodbye. Jason placed her so gently inside and we kissed her goodbye.

Immediately afterwards, I can't really explain it well, but it was almost like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn't feel so empty anymore. It's not that I'm not sad, or "over" all of this. It's just a sense of peace overtook my body. I didn't feel guilty to go back to my parents house and laugh and share. As Jason and my mother said, for 8 months I knew where she was. And after I delivered her, and held her, she was taken away. I wasn't sure where she was, or what was happening to her. But now. I know where she is, where she will be forever. I know my little girl is safe.

Our family was amazing. We got, and have been getting, so much love and support from all of them.

I already know that this first year is going to be difficult. All the firsts. It would have been her firsts with us, and now it's also the firsts without her. But with our family beside us, we'll stay strong.

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