New Year's Eve

In my family we always hide money outside on New Year's Eve and retrieve it on New Year's Day. It represents there always being enough money found to live throughout the coming year. Everyone always has their own box of money with coins from their year of their birth.

This year, we made a box for Aurora. I want to place it at the columnbarium tonight and we'll retrieve it tomorrow. So far her box only has nickles and pennies in it. I cannot find any other coin for 2010 yet. I want dollar coins, half dollars, quarters and dimes too. Don't they make new coins every year? I'm very shocked we haven't found these yet.



I'm glad to see 2010 go. Even though it was the year we met our little girl, it's also the year we lost her and also a year of so many other struggles. I really hope that the new year will bring lots of happiness to our family that we have yet to find.

I also hope the new year brings luck and happiness to all of the wonderful women I have gotten to know these past 8 months. For the kind of hell we've been put through, I think we deserve it.

So Alone

I've been home alone a lot for awhile now. If Jason is working, and I am not... there's really not much that I can do but sit home. Today wasn't my first day alone. But for some reason, it felt like it.

I don't know if it is the New Year coming up, the recent holiday or my struggles in TTC catching up with me. I just felt like crawling back into bed and sleeping all day long. None of the usual distractions for me worked today. Laundry, dishes, TV, online games, online forums, reading my book... NONE of it took away this alone feeling. NONE of it took away the empty feeling in my heart.

I sometimes think that this feeling will never really go away. That scares me. It also scares me to think that the feeling will go away. I hate it.

Penny #14

Thank you for the penny today. We stopped at CVS before picking up your half brother. I had some pennies in my pocket and was dropping some pennies for other angels. I had dropped one before going in. On our way out I started to drop a few more when I noticed a penny I had not noticed on our way in. I had to stop and double check with dad that I had only dropped the one penny before going into the store. I knew that one was for me. Thank you so much for all of the pennies lately. We are missing you like crazy lately.

First Christmas In Heaven

Merry Christmas my dear sweet Aurora. I hope that you are enjoying your first Christmas in heaven. Mommy and Daddy miss you a lot down here and wish you could be here so we can spoil you rotten. You will be on our thoughts all day, much like every day, but even more today. We love you.

Penny #13

Thank you for the penny today honey! I was out doing some last minute shopping with Grandma and Poppy, when we stopped at Wegmans. It was there as soon as we got out of the car. I had to say to grandma, "excuse me, there's something i'd like to pick up." Because she didn't see it yet.

I was thinking about you a lot today too. Thinking about all of the stuff we would have bought you. I'm sending you lots of hugs and kisses for your first Christmas in heaven.

Penny #12

Thank you for the penny today at the grocery store. I ran in real quick to grab some items to make a shrimp chowder that I'm going to share with Great Grandma. I had actually dropped a penny of my own a few seconds before noticing the penny from you. Its been awhile since I found a penny from you. So thank you very much. With Christmas coming up I really needed it. Love you and miss you tons.

PS. And now looking at the clock I found it around 11:23. Thank you for that.

Candlelight Ceremony

Tonight, my support group had a candlelight ceremony to honor all of our children. It was both beautiful, and very hard to sit through.

My parents, were chosen to read the Grandparents credo. Watching the both of them stand up in front of everyone and stating how their "grief is two-fold and at time we feel powerless to help." hit me so hard. The biggest line that hit me in the credo was "We allow traditions to change." Because that is exactly what they did for me this Thanksgiving. My parents have been our rock through all of this, completely understanding of everything that Jason and I are going through. I honestly do not know what I would have done with out them.

A candle to burn with a glowing flame
To symbolize your face and name
A holiday season, an annual strain
We try to be joyful and play the game

So we'll rekindle our flame of love
For you, on this special nice.
We love you, child, and the special
Lit candle, that now burns bright.

A Special Tradition from Great Grandma

Every year, since the year I was born, my grandmother has been buying me a collectors piece from Reed & Barton. I get the Noel Bell. And this year I will be getting my 30th bell from her.

This is not only a tradition she does with myself. She gets a total of 14 yearly items for everyone. When Nick and Jason joined our family, they started getting one too.

This year I took my grandmother to the jewerly store to pick up all of the items. I sat with her as each one was shown to her and as she named off who they were all for. Then out one came, a new order, and she couldn't remember why she ordered it. They can't remember if she ordered it, or if the people at the store ordered it thinking she might be interested in it.... since she does have the biggest order every year of these yearly items. They sat there wondering. It was a new item, a 1st edition, and I think it was for Aurora. She places her order for the next year when she picks up the items for the current year. I think she placed an order for Auroras.

A few days later my grandmother called me asking me to take her back to the jewerly store. When we sat down the lady brought out two items and wanted me to choose. Grandma looked at me and said she wanted to get a special ornament for our tree for Aurora. There was a beautiful crystal angel and a silver butterfly to choose from.

It just so happened that the silver butterfly was a Reed & Barton, from the same company who makes my bell. It was perfect.

So when we went out to get our tree today. Her ornament was the first one I placed on it.



It is a beautiful butterfly. It is beatiful like Aurora, and will always be treasured.

Thank you (Great) Grandma.

Oh Christmas Tree

Jason and I decided to get a Christmas tree for Aurora and everyone at her columbarium. We set up the special tree tonight.



We put some dragonfly ornaments on her tree, and also have some silver balls that we are write all of the names of the people in the columbarium on. The two special ones are going to Aurora and my Poppy.

There are still bad days

Sometimes something happens in your life and in a blink of an eye, it totally changes. Sometimes for good, and sometimes not. Sometimes things can happen so suddenly, that you don't have time to prepare. You spend the next days, weeks, months and years putting the pieces back together.

There are still days, that all I want to do is curl up and go back to bed. There are still days that the dishes wait a little longer, the laundry piles up and the bed doesn't get made. These are the days where I think about the should have beens. The, what I would be doing today if things had turned out differently.

"Some love stories are not epic novels. Some are short stories, but that doesn't make them any less filled with love."

Merry Christmas

I wasn't quite sure how to word our Christmas cards this year. I didn't really want to put "The Blaisures" because it seems so informal. We couldn't just put from Stephanie and Jason, because we had Nick there too.... but if I added Nick, it felt weird. Part of me wanted to include Aurora too.

So since we couldn't make up our minds, we went with the plain "The Blaisures".



We did include Aurora in our family photo. Every year we always get a family photo done, and from now on we will always include the rose in our pictures. Aurora will always be with us and be included when we do family things.

I just wish our family photo would have been different.

Happy (?) Thanksgiving

Today has turned out to be harder than I thought it was going to be. I just can't be thankful for anything when the thing that I am not thankful for is so huge. I'm trying, I really am. I just can't do it. I can't help but think about all the things I should be doing today. I can't help but think about the cute thanksgiving outfit I would have bought for Aurora. I can't help but think about how Aurora would be on solids now, and how I would have found a turkey flavored baby food.

I can't help but think about all of these things that I should have been so thankful for... and then the tears come.

So now I have to go, and try my best not to be sad to bring everyone else down. I just hate this. I hate all of this.

7 months later, and today hurts just as badly as it did day 1.

I think the part that hurts the most, is seeing everyone else being thankful for things that I can't be thankful for. And the whole thought of why them and not me. Why do they get to be thankful today. Why do they get their happy ending and not me. What the hell did they do so much better that they deserve it more than I do?

Pity party today for one. Happy not-so-thankful Thanksgiving to you.

This Week is full of Milestones

This week is so full of big days and milestones. The first one being yesterday, 7 months since we lost Aurora. 7 months?! I sometimes think about where the time has gone, it doesn't seem like it's has been 7 months at all. To think that Aurora would have been 6 months (or almost 6 months old) boggles my mind. 7 months also means that we are getting closer to 12 months. 7 months is 7 months too long to go without her.

The next big day would be tomorrow. My birthday. This time last year, I did not think that I would be childless on my birthday. I always had this number in my head that I wanted children by.... 30. Now, I'm one year closer to not reaching that goal. I know it wont be the end of the world if I do not have a child by this time next year, but it will be a big disappointment.

Third, Thanksgiving. As I think it will be hard for anyone who has lost their child this year. Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, but honestly... I can't think of what to be thankful for.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer about it. I know I have a wonderful family, a loving husband, a decent job, a roof over my head and food in my fridge. But without Aurora in my arms, it's hard to push that aside and be thankful for everything else that we do have. All I am reminded about is what I don't have, and that's my daughter. How can I give thanks when I'm not thankful for what has happened this year?

These next few days are going to be difficult. A week of milestones. I hate milestones.

I dreamed!

I dreamed of Aurora last night!!! The part of the dream that was the best was when I found a note from Jason talking about how he got up this morning, changed her diaper and got her dressed in a costume. So when I went to get her, she was dressed in a crocheted bunny outfit that was way too cute. I picked her up and started talking to her. I asked her if she wanted to have some tummy time today and she was smiling at me.

I didn't want to wake up from my dream, but I did. I'm glad I could have slept in today, because I did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to go back to sleep and dream some more of my dear Aurora.

I hope I can have more dreams of her soon.

6 Months + 2 days

I cannot believe it has been 6 months since we lost Aurora. A half a year has gone by, and I now sit here feeling just as hopeless as day 1. I still think of Aurora every day, and I have started to wonder if there ever will be a day that she doesn't cross my mind. Maybe someday, but honestly, I hope not.

Jason got a penny from Aurora on Thursday. This is only his 2nd penny, I believe. How great is it that he got it on the 6 month mark?! I was actually quite jealous. But when I never even left the house, except to take the dog out, I can't really expect a penny.
I miss you Aurora. I will love you always.

October 15th

I never did get around to writing on October 15th like I wanted to. October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is to promote Support, Education and Awareness for grieving parents nationwide (and worldwide).

Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

I feel as though I am in such a better place than I could have been because I was not grieving in silence. I spoke, and continue to speak about my loss. I speak about Aurora all of the time, visit her all of the time and love her always.

I honestly would hate to know where I would be if I wasn't open about my loss and all of my feelings. I know I wouldn't be where I am today. I know I wouldn't be able to smile today when I think of Aurora.

At 7pm, we lit a candle for Aurora.





This is something that we'll continue to do for the next many many years!

Lighting a candle is not just something that a family does for their little one. It is also something that anyone can do to remember all of the babies lost. I hope that next year, some of you will join us in lighting a candle, not only for Aurora, but for all of the babies lost.

Feeling comfortable

Sometimes I feel as though I'll never be comfortable when I am around people who are talking and pregnancies and babies. I just sometimes feel like I am always looking for the nearest exit or the best excuse to leave. How can I change the subject of a topic that everyone seems to love to talk about? I hate it.

I really wish that all pregnancies and babies would just disappear until I am ready to move on. And then, they can come back and be exactly where they should be. Or, what would be better is goggles. Special baby goggles that won't make me see pregnant bellies or little babies. And then I'd need special earmuffs too. It would drown out all of the chatter of pregnancies that will all turn out perfectly fine.

The ear muffs would be so perfect. It would change all of the stupid comments that people say! The best one yet has been, next time... "It'll be easier." I looked at them with a side eye, not quite sure what they meant. Next time, delivery will be easier. What the heck!? Ear muffs would have been wonderful at that moment.

Ear muffs and goggles. If anyone can invent those things so I no longer have to feel the discomfort, I'd appreciate it.

Penny #11

Thank you for the penny today at the grocery store. I actually had two pennies in my hand ready to drop for other angels. I was looking for a good spot to drop one when I found it. Thank you honey. I love you.

Quit looking at me!

This is the newest thing that I have been getting. People see me, they say hello and then they glance at my stomach. What the heck is that all about??? Are they looking to see if I'm pregnant again? Well even when I was 8 months pregnant you couldn't tell I was pregnant at all. Or are you looking to see if losing my child did something to me? I really don't understand the look.

I wish I could say it was just one or two people doing it. But after I noticed these one or two people, I started noticing a lot of other people doing it too.

Do these people have magic ute glasses that I don't know about?

I don't know why this bothers me. It makes me feel a little self conscious when they do it. I'm constantly checking to see if I have a stain or got anything on me. So please.... just stop looking at my stomach. All you'll see there is fat.

Walking To Remember

There is a tree at the park that I used to walk at, it's a tree dedicated to the families that have lost a baby. I have never noticed this tree before yesterday.

The annual Walk To Remember was held yesterday. It's a walk I never knew existed before, but I'm so glad it does. It was a short walk, around one section of the park. One that was quiet and peaceful.

We all had pink carnations that represented our LO, and at the end of the walk we placed them in the tree that is dedicated to us. The walk, the tree, the things I never knew were there.... now mean so much to me.

Not only did I think about Aurora and remember her for our walk... but I also thought about all of the other babies of all of the women who have helped me through so much these past 5 months. Without them, I don't know where i'd be right now.

We plan on walking every year now. Nicolas told me that even after we die, he'll still be going to that walk to remember Aurora too.

I really wish all communities had this walk.

Penny #10

Thank you so much for the penny yesterday. I was just noting how long it has been since I had gotten one from you. Thank you for Uncle Timmys penny too. Did you see how he tried to get me to "find" it?? How silly! He's the one who found it, it was meant for him... no matter how much he thinks it wasn't.

I know it wasn't meant for me, but it was a way for me to find the one you left for me. Because on our "walk" to "find" the penny that Uncle Timmy had already found, is when I found the one from you. Right out smack dab in the open too on his stairs outside.

Thank you so much. We love you and miss you. We spent a lot of time thinking of you yesterday.

5 Months

How did the 5 month mark pass, and I didn't even realize it. I went the whole day, thinking of Aurora, but never thinking about what the actual day was.

I cannot believe it's been 5 months already. 5 months since I held Aurora in my arms. 5 months since we said hello, and good bye at the same time.

While at times, it feels as though we are still so fresh and new with our grief. It also feels like it has been forever. I find it hard to remember the times before we lost Aurora. This pain, this emptiness. It feels like it has always been there. I cannot remember being happy. Truly happy. Is that strange? Is that wrong?

The months have seemed to fly by without her, and they have seemed to drag on too.

I think I am still in shock over all of this. My feelings are still so fresh, new, and so hard to explain. The deadness, the emptiness, the loss of hope.

I love you Aurora. And I miss you more than words can say.

A year ago today...

A year ago today, I woke up early after having a very vivid dream of a baby girl being dropped off at my door. We were having a garage sale and Jason was busy setting up. I decided to take a pregnancy test, even though every single test I took before that always came back negative.

When that blue line showed up i didn't know what to think. That line NEVER showed up before!

I called Jason right upstairs, when he saw the test we couldn't stop smiling and hugging. It was honestly the best feeling.

I found my copy of What to expect while you're expecting and actually started to read it. I had no clue how far along I was, but suddenly the signs started making sense.

One year ago today was the beginning of our dreams and hopes of the future. Who knew that the dream would all come crashing down on us just 7 months later.

Penny #9

Thank you for the penny today when we were dropping your half brother off with his mom. I really needed the good pick me up today. I've been missing you a lot lately, thinking about the could have beens. The what would we be doing right now if you were still with us?

As the "one year ago" mark is coming up on when we first found out about you arrives, i've also been thinking about the things that were happening one year ago. You've been on my mind even more than ever, and since you are on my mind every minute of every day already... that tells you how much you are on it.

I love you. And thank you still for all of the pennies.

Faces of Loss

I shared my story, along with too many other women on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.



Although writing that story was quite difficult, it did feel good when I was done. Just like the group meetings that I go to, it hurts to talk about losing Aurora... but afterwards it's so much better.

I hope that my story gives hope to some of the other women out there coming across the website. I have read a lot of other stories, and have been moved by them. It's not fair that this has happened to these women. A website like that should not have needed to be made. But since it is, i'm glad to be a part of it and the hope that it brings.

Dreaming

I still have not dreamed of Aurora. I can't wait for the night that I do.

However, last night I dreamed of a dragonfly. I dreamed that one landed on my hand and just hung out there for the longest time. I felt some comfort come over me.

I still cannot wait until the day where I see my daughter in my dreams. But for now, i'll take all the dragonfly dreams I can take.

This Woman's Work

All The Things We Should've Said That I Never Said,
All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,
All The Things We Should've Given But I Didn't,
Oh Darling Make It Go,
Make It Go Away...
Give Me These Moments,
Give Them Back To Me,
Give Me A Little Kiss,
Give Me Your...
Give Me Your Hand Baby,
Give Me Your Pretty Hand,
Ooh My,
Your Love Child,
Whatever You Need,
Give Me Your Hand,
Give Me Your Hand Babe

The New Me

I hate the person i have become, because of grief. The person who really wants to be happy for the new parents, and the pregnant woman.... but just can't be. I hate that I physically cannot be happy for them!

I hate how I've become boring, and anti-social. I don't want to do anything, or go anywhere. I'd be so happy laying in bed all day with the laptop on my lap.

I hate how I cry at the drop of the hat. I have never cried this much in my whole life, and just when I think all my tears are gone, they come back.

I hate how NOTHING has a positive outcome anymore. I always think to the worst of every situation. I hate how I now live by our little joke statement. If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have luck at all.

I mean. What do i have to show? I have my masters degree and a permanent certification in teaching... but for 7 years now i have not gotten a job. I was always good, but not good enough... and then when i was good enough, they're not hiring! 7 years i've been trying for a job. The more this goes on, the worse it looks for me. Will I ever get a teaching job or will I be stuck to substituting my whole life?

And for the past 4 years, I finally get pregnant and have nothing to show for it. I have an angel baby that I love more than anything, but there is no baby in my arms. There is no baby to flock over and oohh and ahhh. I have nothing.

I try to look to the bright side. I have a wonderful husband who I love so much. I have a great family who is always there by my side. And I have loving friends who always care. But it doesn't seem like it's enough. We struggle, we give all we have and we struggle. We just can't seem to catch a break.

I have nothing positive to look forward to!

The grief has taken away all of my hopes and dreams. The grief has stomped on them over and over again.

Why is it, that someone who does not try.... someone can just fall into the perfect life that I have tried so hard to have? How is it that they can't work for it, and have it so wonderful? How is it, that i still have nothing?

I hate that I think this way.

I hate that when I look at myself in the mirror i see dead eyes, eyes with no life in them.

I hate this new me. I didn't want it. I didn't ask for it. Take it back, take it all back. Bring back the old me!! The chipper, happy, positive girl! I want her back. I hate this new me. The negative, mean, sad girl. I don't like her at all. I don't like me anymore.

August 19th Day Of Hope

I dropped of my memory box at the hospital today. It was such a simple thing, that means so much to someone. I was lucky enough to have friends and family who were able to gather these things for us, but not everyone has that option or has those things ready.

I first stopped off at the information desk to see if they needed to take it first. I told the lady there what is was and that i was donating it to labor and delivery. She jumped back and gasped and then started to cry. She said her daughter just lost her son a few weeks ago. So I told her that it was almost 4 months for me, and she asked "Does it get any easier?" I didn't know how to answer her. Yes, it gets easier.... but it still hurts like hell.

I dropped the box off with labor and delivery, and then cried my way home. I really hope that my box never reaches someones hands, but in the reality that it will... i hope it brings them comfort and peace.

The NILMDTS photographer told my parents that he going to the hosptial about once a month, so knowing that it happens that often is scary. I think that this is something i'm going to donate more often, and not just on August 19th.

August 19th Day Of Hope

August 19th Day Of Hope

All around the world, women are getting together and donating items to their doctors offices and hospitals around the world. When a family is hit with the devastating news that their baby has died, it's out of the blue and everyone is unprepared.

I remember I took the morning off of work, and was supposed to go in for parent/teacher conferences in the afternoon. It was so busy in the doctors office, I was constantly looking at the clock wondering if i was going to make it in time for my first conference. Nothing sank in after we were told. I was just thinking about how i still need to make it back to the conference and was wondering when they were going to schedule things. It never sank that I had to deliver her right then and there. The walk over to the hospital was the longest walk ever. Jason and I had nothing. We had nobody to take care of our pets, we had no other change of clothes, no hospital bag packed of any type of goodies. We had nothing. We had to let other people run around and do what we needed.

So tomorrow, i'll be donating a memory box to the hospital where Aurora was born sleeping. There's not much in the box, but there's enough. A small blanket that I made, an elephant with a wonderful quote, a sented candle, a disposable camera, a hat and a picture frame. I'll be adding in a card letting the family know that they are not alone.

I hope they never have to give this box to anyone.

Family Reunion Season

Well its family reunion season. So that means its time to add Aurora to our family tree. Its not one of those things I can just pass off and have a family member do. Its something I have to do.

You don't really know how hard it is to write down her birthdate and death date as the same day. To put it in the tiny spot for additions to the family.

Its like ripping a piece of me out, if they can even find a piece that isn't already gone, to write that down. Luckily, I only have to do it this once. Hopefully I'll add in more births in the years to come, but no more deaths. Hopefully.

Best Mama Award

You know those silly things that go around facebook? Those "you've been hit", "if you have a wonderful sister", "if you have the best son".... the post this type of things?

Well. There's one going around my friends right now.

BEST MAMA AWARD☆☆Once you've been hit, you have to hit eight moms who you
think deserve an award. If you get hit again you will know how truly
amazing you really are. If you break the chain, nothing will happen. ♥But it's always nice to know that someone thinks you're GREAT

And of course, nobody has hit me yet. I don't know why it has bothered me so much. I hate those things. But don't I get the best mama award too?

The question

We saw a friend of my brother-in-law today. One we've only met maybe 3 times before. We met them this past fall when we found out we were pregnant. So the last time I saw her we were pregnant.

Well, we saw them tonight and of course when my sister-in-law was introducing us she said "oh yes. You guys had a baby!" And there was this weird noise coming out of everyone and then silence. I kept waiting for someone else to answer her! Why couldn't someone else say something?? So finally I said "No. We lost it." IT!? IT?! Why the hell did IT come out of my mouth! Aurora was not an IT! Why couldn't I just said "we lost her"??

I'm so sorry Aurora. You are not an IT. I did not mean it. I love you and you are not an it. Please never think that!

And that question. I never thought I'd run into it. I just thought everyone knew. Why shouldn't everyone know? We lost our daughter. The whole world should know!

I'm glad I got my penny today. I think Aurora knew it'd be a hard one for me today.

Penny #8

Thank you for the penny today in the building at Summer Fun. It was our last day, and hopefully my last day ever because I'll be raising your little brother or sister. I still keep thinking about how I wasn't supposed to work this summer. I was supposed to be raising you. So it was nice to see those! Half of my pennies were found at Summer Fun.

Thank you for the pennies for both dad and your brother today too. Nick found his on the playground, his first penny from you! I know he felt so very special.

Forever kind of love

The love between a mother and daughter is forever. It is a bond of the strongest kind. It is a love of the present, interwoven with memories of the past and dreams of the future. It is an unconditional, forever kind of love.

Forever and always.

Penny #7

I found Penny #7 in the summer fun building! We were all cleaning up, and the floor was mopped and swept. I had to walk back through after all that was done, and there it was. How could someone have missed that while they were cleaning?

Thank you so much for the penny at work.

The world is moving on without me

Have you ever had the dream, or seen the scene in a movie where a person is walking in slow motion and the whole world is in super fast forward around them?

Well, that's how my life feels every. day. Every day it's like i'm just standing still and the whole world just keeps moving on without me. And here i stand, wanting to keep up with it, wanting to keep moving with it, but i can't. It's a very frustrated feeling, as you can probably imagine. And there's nothing I can do about it.

There's nothing I can do but watch the world keep moving... while I stand and watch it all happen.

Penny #5 and #6

Thank you for both of the pennies today!!!

I was really struggling today. I started off the day missing you more than ever. I was dropping your big brother off at grandmas, and then I was off to camp. It was supposed to be the other way around. Dropping brother off at camp, and then we would have gone to visit grandma.

I was so down, I decided to go visit you during work. I needed that little visit to help me through the day.

And when I get back to work, I find a penny from you!!! Thank you so very much.

I thought that was more than enough, but after work as i'm walking back out to my car I spot another penny from you!

Two pennies today, when I was struggling. I thank you for them.

I love you, and miss you. Forever and always, no matter what.

Balloons to heaven

Bittersweet. I think that's the perfect word for today. It was a sweet day, a celebration... but it was also difficult. The bereaved parents support group I attend had a celebration today. The whole reason for this celebration was for us to write notes to our children, attach them to a balloon and send them away to heaven.



I hate the fact that I had to write that note at all, and the reason why we were all there. But it felt nice to send it. Jason and I tied our balloons together. Jason said he liked my note better, which was quite funny because I liked his better. I know that Aurora will love both of them equally.