Saturday, August 21, 2010

The New Me

I hate the person i have become, because of grief. The person who really wants to be happy for the new parents, and the pregnant woman.... but just can't be. I hate that I physically cannot be happy for them!

I hate how I've become boring, and anti-social. I don't want to do anything, or go anywhere. I'd be so happy laying in bed all day with the laptop on my lap.

I hate how I cry at the drop of the hat. I have never cried this much in my whole life, and just when I think all my tears are gone, they come back.

I hate how NOTHING has a positive outcome anymore. I always think to the worst of every situation. I hate how I now live by our little joke statement. If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have luck at all.

I mean. What do i have to show? I have my masters degree and a permanent certification in teaching... but for 7 years now i have not gotten a job. I was always good, but not good enough... and then when i was good enough, they're not hiring! 7 years i've been trying for a job. The more this goes on, the worse it looks for me. Will I ever get a teaching job or will I be stuck to substituting my whole life?

And for the past 4 years, I finally get pregnant and have nothing to show for it. I have an angel baby that I love more than anything, but there is no baby in my arms. There is no baby to flock over and oohh and ahhh. I have nothing.

I try to look to the bright side. I have a wonderful husband who I love so much. I have a great family who is always there by my side. And I have loving friends who always care. But it doesn't seem like it's enough. We struggle, we give all we have and we struggle. We just can't seem to catch a break.

I have nothing positive to look forward to!

The grief has taken away all of my hopes and dreams. The grief has stomped on them over and over again.

Why is it, that someone who does not try.... someone can just fall into the perfect life that I have tried so hard to have? How is it that they can't work for it, and have it so wonderful? How is it, that i still have nothing?

I hate that I think this way.

I hate that when I look at myself in the mirror i see dead eyes, eyes with no life in them.

I hate this new me. I didn't want it. I didn't ask for it. Take it back, take it all back. Bring back the old me!! The chipper, happy, positive girl! I want her back. I hate this new me. The negative, mean, sad girl. I don't like her at all. I don't like me anymore.


  1. I ache for you and your loss. I read your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It made me cry... big **hugs** to you. I have suffered two losses in the past 6 months. I imagine I know your pain but at the same time cannot fathom the extent of it. I pray that you will get through this and return to a closer version of your former self. I believe baby loss changes us no matter what. We change. Through time we must learn to gain some kind of way to cope. Mine is writing and art. I am experiencing much of what you are writing. I have my moments of the former me but I am also changed forever. I wish you luck and joy in your future. No one deserves such pain.

  2. I also forgot to mention I am also a teacher. I graduated in 04 and got my masters in 07. I have only taught one full year and 3 months of subbing. They will only extend my initial certificate one more year after this year and then I do not know what will happen. It's beyond maddening to spend money to go to school and then get no job when you were told it would be easy. Life is anything but easy especially in this job market. I too will be subbing soon.