Friday, April 30, 2010


I had a good day yesterday, that was until the evening. It was like the sadness that I had stopped, it was a small eye of the storm, where I was able to breathe. Then... it hit me like a ton of bricks. The emptyness. It felt just like the times I had been homesick when I was a child. The homesick feeling times 100 that is.

That feeling is still with me this morning. I don't think it'll ever really go away. So maybe feeling empty is my new normal.

I still have a hard time saying what happened outloud. Which is going to make today hard. I'm going back to the school to talk with the principal. I just found out, through a friend at the schools, that the kids don't know what happened. The kids were only told that I was sick. I don't know why, but i thought they were told. On Tuesday I had told the kids that I was going to be out because I had a doctors appointment. It was the first time that I was going to be out, and I felt they needed to know. I even told them that i might bring pictures in. I only have 12 more work days with the kids. I could suck it up those 12 days.... but that'd be 12 days of living a lie. 12 days of waiting for one of the girls to ask how the baby is doing and wondering when i was going to break in front of them. Some people are asking why i'm going back at all. I need to go back. I cannot sit here at home feeling this emptyness. Keeping my mind and my body busy will help me keep my mind off of losing Aurora.

As much as I feel that keeping my mind off her is forgetting about her, and forgetting about her is one of the worst things I could do... i need to remind myself that I will never forget about her. How can I? 35 weeks, 8 whole months she was our daughter. She will always be our daughter. I can never forget about her. I just have to remind myself of that.

I think Jason and I will go visit her again today. We're still waiting for her name plate to arrive. Right now you'd never know that there is an urn in there, that someone was missed and loved in there. But we know. And that's all that matters.

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