Sunday, April 25, 2010


I was talking with my mother about how everyone has been trying to make losing Aurora a positive and how I hated it. People have been saying that she is too precious for earth, that she is our guardian angel, that she is watching over us. I just hate it! Because I don't want her to be too precious for earth! I don't want her to be our guardian angel! I want her here. I want her in my arms. I need my little girl.

After talking with my sister-in-law, I realized i needed some positives though. Talking about everything, writing things down, and accepting some of the positives have helped us. Have helped me.

Other than the unfairness of it all, the biggest issue i've had is if she had to be taken away from us, why didn't it happen sooner? Why didn't i miscarriage early on? Why didn't i lose her before i knew she was Aurora? Why did it have to be so late in my pregnancy? Why did it have to be with only 5 weeks left?

She could have lived! If we had known this was going to happen, i could have delivered early. She could have spent however long she needed to in NICU. She could have lived. I could have my little girl today. I could have my Aurora.

But I guess. That since it did have to happen. Since I had to deliver her, i'm glad it happened this late. Because Aurora was beautiful. We're not sure how developed she was, my doctor said it looked like we had lost her for a little over a week. So she was maybe only 33w to 34w developed. But she was beautiful!

She didn't look like a preemie. She didn't have the features that preemie babies usually have. She looked like a baby, like a real baby ready to start her life. She was so long and seemed so big for only 4lbs 2.8oz. Her feet were huge. Jason said she had my feet. Aurora had his facial structure, and my nose. We made a very beautiful little girl. I am glad I was able to see her like that. Some of her skin was coming off, and her eyes were full of blood, but she was beautiful. She was ours. She will always be ours.

I just still want to hold her in my arms. I never wanted to let go of her. But i knew i had to. I hope that I never forget her face in my memories. I hope that the image never fades away. I am very scared about losing that.


  1. Hey Steph.
    Thank you so much for sharing this. I've been thinking of you every day since the FB message. When I read it, I sat on my bed in disbelief. Suddenly, I was crying for you, for Jason, for Aurora, and for the unfairness of it all.
    For what it is worth, you are handling everything beautifully, but I hate that you have to handle it in the first place. I know this is silly sounding, but as you know I got a lot of grief therapy training with my funeral directing degree. If you have questions about anything or just want to vent, give me a call (my # is on my FB) or send me a message.
    Love you.

  2. RJMbim (the bump)

    I am so deeply sorry for your breaks my heart, I hope that knowing someone as far away as Barbados is thinking of you & praying for you all helps.