Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The need to blame

Ever since Wednesday, I have heard "do not blame yourself" atleast once a day. And the thing is. I don't blame myself. I don't blame anyone, and that's the part that is hard.

I have the thoughts. That if only I had called with my worries of the movement decreasing instead of just mentioning something in the office. If only I had called after 1 day, 2 days even 3 days after not feeling movement. I have the thoughts of, could it have been the caffiene that I just started drinking? Did I eat something that I shouldn't have eaten? Did I sleep wrong? Was I on my back and did it cut off circulation like they say it could? Did I roll onto my stomach and lay there too long? Since we still don't know, and may never know what happened, I still wonder if it is something I did. I have all the thoughts of blaming myself. But i really don't have the feelings of blaming myself.

It's once again, difficult to explain and maybe difficult to understand. I have the thoughts, the questions, the wonders. But I don't have the feelings of blaming myself. I don't sit and stew in my thoughts.

I know, that no matter what happens, I can not go back. I know that I can never change what happened. And I think that maybe, that has helped me through.

It scares me that I cannot blame myself. I feel that I should blame myself, or blame someone. I even have the thought that I should blame my doctor. That maybe instead of saying "it's normal"with the decreased movement, that maybe if she checked things out she could have found something! It could have been fixed, or if it couldn't have been fixed... i could have delivered early. I think these things, but i don't feel that. I feel no anger to her, I cannot blame her. I cannot blame myself.

I sometimes feel that I should blame someone, because it's what i'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be angry and blame myself, blame Jason, blame my doctor, even blame God. Isn't that what i'm supposed to do? Isn't that the correct emotion that i'm supposed to feel? And the fact that i'm not feeling like that, makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty that maybe i'm not grieving properly because i cannot blame anyone. And i feel that maybe i'm not honoring Aurora, loving Aurora enough because of the way i'm grieving.

I've cried, cried until I had no tears left. I think about her, and tell her that I love her all of the time. I still think about all of the dreams I had for her, and know that returning to the place where she was concieved will be difficult. I have grieved my daughter. But there are times, that i feel, i'm not grieving enough..... i'm not crying enough... i'm not blaming enough.

I still do not know why i'm not blaming anyone. Right now i'd like to think that Aurora is helping me through my grieving. That she is helping me stay strong for the family. Jason and I have become so much closer since Wednesday. It's the love we have for Aurora... and i hope the love she feels for us.

No comments:

Post a Comment