Wednesday, April 28, 2010

One week

It was one week ago today that everything went down. I can't believe that it's been a week already. The whole day i know that i'm going to be looking at the clock, it's currently 10:03am. I was sitting in the waiting room looking at all the pregnant women around us waiting to be called in.

Just when I think that things are getting better, just when I think i'm maybe done crying for a little while, it all comes back and hits me. And it all comes back over the silliest, smallest things. I guess it's not silly, not small.... it's over the dreams. The dreams I had for Aurora. This morning it was over doing the laundry. It was about this time that I would have started to wash her clothes and sheets and blankets. And then I see her face again. As much as I don't want to lose that memory, it hurts to remember it right now.

I still can't believe it's been a week already. It's gone by so fast, but at the same time, so slow.

The hardest part right now is figuring out what i'm going to do this summer. I had the plans to raise Aurora. Spend the summer loving her and caring for her and not doing anything else. I had plans to take Nick to the summer fun program and for the first summer in 10 years not work there. I planned on taking Aurora up to my parents house to hang out in the sun. I planned on swimming in the pool and seeing if Aurora liked the water as much as we all do.

So the thought comes to mind. Should I work? Should I not work? Honestly, right now I don't want to do a damn thing! But.... it'll keep me busy. It'll also be money. How can I not work this summer? I need the money! It's a 6 week camp....8:30 - 3pm, Monday thru Friday. How could I pass that up? How could I not work? But still, I don't want to. I was looking forward to not working this summer, and not just because i'd be spending it with Aurora. Although that was huge.

God, i still can't believe she's gone. I still can't believe that all my hopes and dreams just got washed away. I would still love to wake up and have this all be one big nightmare. What do I have to do so that could be true? Because I would do it.... i would do anything to have my daughter in my arms again.

10:36am.... I was still in the waiting room and getting more anxious. My appointment was almost an hour ago, and i'm still waiting. I still didn't know. I still had my little girl a week ago.

1 comment:

  1. This post just breaks my heart and I am crying with you. I remember having those exact thoughts every week that goes by. As a dear friend told me recently, It doesn't really get any easier, but it does eventually get bearable. Thinking of you and your precious Aurora today!