Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Aurora! I cannot believe that another Christmas has gone by without you here with us. I really hope you and GG celebrated in good old fashion up there!

Your tree was placed at the columnbarium about a month ago.

Dad and Nick helped to put the tree up, and we added new solar lights to it! I hope it shined bright for you!

We also added lots of new ornaments this year.

I really hope that you liked them. Each one is very special in their own way, and mean a lot to us.

Merry Christmas. Mommy and Daddy love you so much.

Penny #61

Thank you so much for the penny today while we were out shopping! We were looking for the Christmas themed towels that GG always made every year, and the store I thought would have them... didn't. :(

Dad found a penny today as well! You have been quite busy, haven't you?

I have also been finding a lot of soda tabs, they still make me smile.

Penny #58, 59 and 60

Thank you so much for the pennies!! I know I didn't get all three of them today, but I'm finally sitting down to post them.

The first two came Thursday. One was right outside our driveway :) I totally wouldn't have seen it if dad didn't try to run me over with the car as a joke. The other one Thursday was right outside a place where I was picking up some stuff for your brother. I never expected one to be there!

And then today, thank you so much for the penny outside of Grandma and Poppys house. On Christmas Eve i've been thinking about you a lot. It would have been a lot of fun watching you open up gifts this year. I love you hun! Merry Christmas.

Candle Lighting

Yesterday was The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting held annually in memory of all precious children who are loved, missed, and remembered.

It's a beautiful event full of wonderful parents who have lost children of all ages. Once again this year, my parents read the Grandparents Credo. And once again, it was very difficult to hear them read it. Sometimes in our grief, we forget about the others who are also grieving. Not only are my parents still grieving Aurora, but they are also struggling watching me grieve. I tend to forget about that part... that is until something like this happens that reminds me.

I held it together for most of the service. Until someone sang this song:


It is such a beautiful song and the words just really hit me.

Merry Christmas my dear Aurora. I know you were there with us yesterday as Grandma, Poppy, Dad and I all lit candles for you.

Penny #57

Thank you so much for the penny today at the grocery store! Dad walked right over it too, he was bummed. Love you hun!

Penny #56

I guess I should have waited before writing that last post... because I found another penny in the same classroom!! Thank you so much hun! I love them both!

Penny #55

Thank you so much for the penny today! I am working in a classroom, and as I was getting ready for a new class to come in, I noticed it on the floor by the teachers desk. I even said out loud "Is that a penny?" How awesome that it was! Thank you hun! Love you!

Penny #54

I feel so lucky!! I found another penny today!

We went on a little road trip with Grandma and Poppy today. On our way home, we made a special stop at a Tim Hortons because I was craving a maple dipped donut. I was so shocked to see that penny as I was walking out the door. It was out of my way, but I walked right over and picked it right up!

Thank you so much for all of these pennies hun! I love them! I love you!

Thanksgiving

I just read my entry that I wrote last Thanksgiving. I cannot believe where I have come in a year in my grief. I have come a long way in my grief. Some days it still doesn't feel like I have, but looking back to how heartbroken I was, it really proves just how far I have come.

While Thanksgiving did suck without my dear Aurora, or without a little brother or sister, and without my grandmother.... it did not hurt as badly as it did last year. I wasn't in that dark place that haunted me last year. I was very negative, and bitter. I had a hard time accepting what had happened to us, and why all of these other people had all this joy while all we had was sorrow.

I'm glad that I have healed in this past year. I did not like that dark place I was in, and I know others didn't like it either. Lets hope that I continue to heal while continuing to honor and love my dear Aurora.

Penny #53

Thank you so much for the Thanksgiving penny yesterday! I wasn't even going to go out shopping, but I did, and that's when I saw that lovely penny by the door. I was putting the cart away and told grandma that she needed to pick it up! But since I saw it first, she gave it to me. :)

Thank you so much hun! I am so thankful to get those special pennies on these special days!

Penny #52

Thank you so much for the birthday penny today! I saw it when I was in the check-out line at the grocery store. There were two people ahead of me when I saw it, I was just hoping that one of them wouldn't pick it up. I was so excited when they didn't!

Thank you hun!

Sell by when?

A local grocery store had Pumpkin Spice creamers in stock! I love this creamer! So I stocked up on it. As I was checking the expiration date, to see how many I could really stock up on, this is what I noticed on each and every single one of them.

My first thought was not, "Wow! These are good until April?!" It was, "Oh wow. April 21st. Aurora's birthday."

It's always the little things that are the constant reminders. There still hasn't been a day that has passed where I haven't thought of her. I think I like it that way.

Penny #50 & #51

Penny #50 I found on Thursday - November 17th. I wasn't sure on if I wanted to consider it a penny or not. I found it while I was working, inside a classroom. It was on the floor right by their coat closet. It was all alone with no buckets or any other manipulatives in sight. Finally today, I decided that yes, it is a penny so it counts!

If you look, you'll notice that it's a plastic "School Money" penny. But, it is a penny none the less. I 'stole' it and it will rest in the piggy bank along with the rest of Aurora's pennies.


Penny #51 I did find today on my way to my car after work. I park on a side street, and never thought i'd find a penny there on the side of the road. Thank you so much for the penny today honey! I love it!

Penny #48 & #49

Thank you for the pennies yesterday! They were both right outside my house. One, on the corner, as I was walking inside the house to grab something. And the other, right next to my car, as I was walking back to my car. I'm shocked I didn't notice it when I was walking inside!

Thank you so much my dear. I love you!

Just Another Thing :)

Whenever I am out, and looking at the ground for pennies... I always seem to find a tab from a soda can. They're everywhere!!



In the very beginning of the pennies from heaven, I often wondered if she was sending me the tabs instead of pennies. So still today, whenever I see a pull tab on the ground, it's just another thing that makes me think of my sweet angel. So maybe they really are from her? Because isn't anything that makes me think of Aurora, from her?

Penny #47

I totally forgot to write about this penny on Saturday when it happened. Dad and I were outside raking leaves when I found the penny on the corner. Thank you so much babe!

Penny #45 & #46

Thank you so much for the pennies today! I wasn't expecting the first one at all, but when I came back to my car from the store, there it was!! Right under the front door of my car!

I was so surprised from finding the first one, I never thought i'd find another one when we went to another store in the evening. We were walking out, and there it was on the floor! Thank you so much hun.

Love you!

Penny #44

Thank you so much for the penny today! I would have never gone to that store today, but the newspaper I went to buy was really yesterdays paper! What a bummer! But the whole situation was so much better, because of that penny. Thank you so much hun! Love you!

Penny #43

Thank you so much for the penny! Dad and I were so excited that we were getting free pizza, finding that penny in the pizza places parking lot made it even better! Thank you hun! Love you so much!

Penny #42

Thank you so much for the penny darling!! It was a very emotional day for me and I was thinking about you lots! I am so happy that when I was walking into that store, I noticed the penny sitting there. It was quite easy to miss, as it was the same color as the crack in the sidewalk. But, of course I would notice it! Thank you so much. I really needed that penny after how emotional I was today.

2 years ago...

Two years ago I woke up from a dream. A dream about a baby girl, with the name tag Rose, dropped off at my door. I opened the door and snagged her up and told her I'd never let her go. That's when I noticed people out there looking for her. They banged on my front door as I hunkered down low so they couldn't see me. I hugged that little girl and told them they'd never take her from me.

I wonder if that dream was really telling me my future. That they'd take my little girl away?

When I woke up from the dream, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I have very irregular cycles and never had an idea on when my period would show up. So I always had tests on hand and every month I'd take a test when I realized that I hadn't had her inawhile. About 2 weeks before, I had slight spotting and thought I was getting her. My dog was even in heat and whenever she was in heat, I usully had my period.

So many things lined up. But I didn't want to believe it when I got that positive on the pregnancy test. So many tests before that had been negative... But finally. A positive. I hadn't been that happpy in a long time!

Two years ago I knew my life was going to change.

If only I knew then what I know npw...

Salt Springs State Park

On Sunday, Jason took Nick and I to Salt Springs State Park in PA. It's not that far from where we live, maybe a 30 minute drive... if that. It's a cute little state park with lots of hiking. They have hiking trails, as well as the creek with some waterfalls that you can climb.

We decided to go on a hiking trail first to see penny rock. I know! How perfect?! Unfortunately Jason forgot to mention that there was such a rock until we were in the middle of our hike. We found the rock and I was amazed in the pennies!!



I'm not sure what made them curl up like that, unless the people hammer them in. Jason and I said that we'll have to go back soon and bring a penny and a little hammer.




After we were done with the hiking trail, it took us to the top of the creek where the waterfalls start. So instead of climbing up the waterfalls, we climbed them down. It was so beautiful!! There were even little dragonflies flying around.



From penny rock to the dragonflies, this whole trip I thought of Aurora. I thought about how we could have taken her on the hiking trail and carried her down the waterfalls. We could have let her play in the water. I would have took so many pictures.

I can't wait to go back.

TV Triggers

When I say triggers, it kind of sounds negative, doesn't it? I don't mean these triggers as bad triggers. The one, makes me smile. The other makes me cry... but it's not bad. I kind of just wanted to clear the air before going into the TV shows.

The first show is Big Brother. I am a huge fan of this reality TV show! I don't watch a lot of the reality TV show games.... but I do watch Big Brother and I have been watching it every summer since the beginning!

Jeff, is one of my favorite players and I was so happy to see him back again this season. Then, he really became my favorite player for a T-Shirt that he wears constantly.



This was the best picture I could find... but if you notice, his shirt says Aurora. Now, i'm assuming it's for Aurora Colorado. I would love to learn why he wears it all of the time!

I was sad when he got kicked off the show, only because I wouldn't see him wearing that shirt anymore. It made me smile whenever I saw him wear it.



The second TV show that has triggers is my soap opera. All My Children. Back in, March maybe, a character on the show was pregnant and her daughter was stillborn. In weird soap opera ways, the mother never knew her daughter was stillborn as they had another baby right there. The mother is also blind and was passed out at the time of the delivery. When that episode happened, seeing the father cry and mourn was so hard.

Now, the mother is finally finding out that the child she thought was hers, is really not. And I have to relive the crying and screaming that I know all too well. It's weird. Maybe because I know it's not real... but it's not bad. It's not something that is painful to watch. It's just something that makes me cry and think of my sweet daughter.


Two unlikely TV shows take me back to my daughter. It's strange how things work like that.

This is how I feel a lot of the time.

I especially love the line, "I hate her uterus."

Balloons to heaven

The annual Balloons To Heaven with the Compassionate Friends happened in July. I've been meaning to write about it for awhile now, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

Every year we meet at a park, share some good times with other grieving parents... and then send off our balloons with notes.



I hope the note got to you safely in heaven my dear sweet Aurora. Mommy loves you.

Penny #41

Wow! I cannot believe I found another penny from you today!! Thank you so much hun!

I got up early to meet someone who was going to buy my laptop, and they stood me up. However, it made my dad when I stepped out of grandmas car to find that penny. Thank you so much. And thank you for all of the pennies this month! I cannot believe all that i've gotten from you.

GG must be helping you with them.

August 19th - Day of Hope

I was away on vacation and I am now finally getting the chance to write about August 19th - Day of Hope.



Last year, the day of hope made memory boxes to take to hospitals. Sometimes you are not prepared when you enter the hospital to hear that your child had died.. and sometimes you are unaware that your healthy baby that was just born, has died. These memory boxes hold small tokens that express that you are not alone.

This year, I could not find a thing about the memory boxes. However, I still made a memory box in honor of August 19th - Day of Hope.



I was so happy with the card I made, it's very simple... but the paper had dragonflies!!!





I hope this box never makes it into the hands of a person. But the reality is, that it will. I then hope, that this box will give someone comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

Penny #39 & #40

I didn't get to it in time to post it on the same day... but thank you so much for the pennies today!

I couldn't believe it when I found one, let alone two of them!!

The first one at the family reunion right after we took our family pictures was nice. I was standing in that spot that the penny was for so long, when did it get there and how did I not notice it until then??

The second one was when we dropped your brother off with his mother. I got out of the car, and there it was!

Thank you so much hun. I love you.

Penny #38

Thank you for the penny today as we were leaving and on our way home from vacation. That makes one from you on our way up, and back. I'm taking it as a sign you were there with us the whole time. I love you sweetheart.

I would also like to thank you for that dragonfly that landed on dads head today! It reminded me of the day I fell in love with dragonflies.

Penny #37

Thank you so much for the third penny today!!! I don't think I've ever gotten so many from you in one day. Dad and I really miss you tons when we are camping. This place has such a special meaning to us. We love you baby girl.

Penny #35 &36

Thank you so much for the 2 pennies today. I was shocked to see both of them together at the gas station as dad was pumping up the tires of our trailer. Did you mean one for dad? Or could that 2nd penny be from GG? Love you and wish you were going on vacation with us. I hope you would have loved camping as much as we all do.