Walls

From the day we learn that we are in controll of our own actions, we start building the foundation of our lives. We all build our walls differently, but I'd like to think that I built mine well.

Through all of lives downs and for when it seems as though we can never catch a break, I've always felt very optimistic. Things will work out, things will be fine, everything happens for a reason.

When we lost Aurora, the foundation I've been building completely crumbled to the ground. I had to start over fresh and new. At first I didn't want to start building the foundation, but I knew I had to. So I started small and started working slowly.

Without my wall, my mind thought thoughts that I didn't know how to react to. Negative thoughts about myself. Negative thoughts about my life. Negative thoughts about future pregnancies. Negative thoughts about other people. There's been so much negativity in my mind, I want to think positive, I want to be happy... I just can't. Without my wall, I don't know who I am anymore.

I haven't gotten very far in my rebuild.... But I started to feel better. I finally was starting to feel as though I could do this. Some positive thoughts have come back, and I felt like I could truly smile and mean it. I was healing.

But then, I am quickly reminded that the wall I'm building isn't very stong yet. That any slight movement can knock down those walls again, and take me about 10 steps backwards.

Time after time, I start to think. Is it even worth rebuilding?! Is it even worth all the time and effort? I know it is, but starting over is difficult.

I just hope that everyone else can be patient with me during the rebuild. I am quite weak and it will take me awhile. I am not the same person I was. I'll never be. My wall will never be the same. Things will just take time.