Sunday, June 13, 2010


I've been sitting here trying to find the perfect word to describe how I'm feeling. The only word that comes to mind is lost. And no, I do not mean lost on an island with black smoke monsters and a freaky mysterious light.

I feel lost in the world. I feel lost with other people. I feel lost in my own mind and body.

I feel as though I don't have a place. I can smile and laugh, but I do not feel happy. I don't think I have felt truly happy in 8 weeks. In Jasons arms at night is the closest to happy I have felt. He makes me feel safe, comforted, protected, and loved. But happy? I think there's only one way I could be happy right now. Happiness is a feeling that I always had. I feel lost without it. I feel like a horrible person without it.

I feel lost in my life. Not knowing where to go from here. Its all one big waiting game. I'm so tired of waiting. Waiting to try to concieve again. Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting those long 9 months and praying for my take home baby this time. Its a whole lot of waiting for things that are majorly out of our control! And when I can't control it, I feel lost.

Lost and empty.

And all I can do is wait, cry, and put on my mask. When deep down inside, I am broken into so many pieces.... and some of those pieces are forever lost.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time, Stephanie! I can say though, that I can completely identify with you and those feelings. 7 months later, i STILL have days (or longer) where I feel like that.