You're Amazing

"Oh Stephanie! You are so strong!"
"You are amazing, no doubt about that."

I'm starting to get really sick of these words. These false descriptions of me. I totally stole this from the lovely women I talk to, but i'm only strong because I have to be. The only other option would do nobody any good.

I'm only strong because I have to be.

There are situations in this life that are going to be difficult. Some of those situations you can avoid. Some of them you can't. So the ones you can't avoid, what do you do? Try to ignore them like they didn't happen? Or do you hit them straight on? Which one is going to help you heal? They're both equally difficult, and sometimes the ignore option is worse!

I am not strong. I am not amazing. I still break down and cry. I'm still trying to figure out my life. I'm still trying to find a new obession to take over, and mask my grief.

So please do not say i'm strong. When all i'm trying to do, is survive.

A good description

I'm currently reading a book called Knocked Up, Knocked Down by Monica Murphey Lemoine. I'm not very far into the book, but already there have been many passages that have hit me.

She writes:
Something begins to unravel inside my stomach, releasing a feeing I can't quite identify, reminiscent of how I used to feel sometimes at summer camp. Loneliness? Homesickness? I swallow, hard, suppressing a deep, unexpected sob. Today was supposed to go upward, not down.

Its good to know that I am not the only one with that feeling. It was deep in the pit of my stomach and it lingered there. I hated every moment of it. I still get that feeling. Mainly at night, right before i'm going to bed. Sometimes I lay in bed and think what would I be doing right now if Aurora was here. Would she be waking up for a feeding? Would she be snuggled tight in her swaddler?

The one thing I have no doubt about, is that she would have recieved a million and one kisses. Her cheek would have been rubbed a thousand times. Her little hands would have been wrapped around our fingers, literally and figuralitvly. Oh what I would not do for her.

That summer camp feeling. I still get it. It's part of my new normal. I don't think this feeling will ever go away, because it's a feeling that something is missing. But instead of trying to figure out what is missing, we know exactly what is missing.

I love you Aurora.

The Dragonfly

I read somewhere online, a story about a dragonfly and a waterbug. I feel bad that i cannot remember where I found it, but I fell in love with the story. You can find the story here, but if you didn't want to read the whole story i'll tell you what it's about.

ETA: Thank you Betsy! I now remember I saw the dragonfly story at your blog. :)

There was a colony of waterbugs, and everyone now and then they noticed that some of the waterbugs were climbing out of the water and never coming back. One day one of the waterbugs felt the need to climb out, and when he did he turned into a beautiful dragonfly. Although he wanted to go back and tell his waterbug friends all about it, he found out that he couldn't return. Not only could he not go into the water, but his waterbug friends wouldn't recognize him anymore. The dragonfly said he'd see his friends again someday, and tell them all about it then.

The person I had first heard the story from told it so much better, and i fell in love with it. I had read it awhile ago, but didn't really think of it until today. While at my in-laws, for a Fathers Day BBQ, a little dragonfly was fluttering around. It landed on Jason twice, and then flew off and wasn't seen again.

So that, along with the penny.
Which i just realized i had said that Aurora needs to hit him in the face with it, like with grandma.... wow.

Thank you for today Aurora. How can you not take those as signs? How can you not?

Penny #4

I love it when I find pennies from you, epecially when i'm having a down day. It's good to know that you are joining us today at Grandma Bakers house for the fathers day BBQ. I know dad loves it that you're here.

Was the penny meant for dad though? I'd like to hope it was. It was right out in the open, and he walked up the stairs first! Then i come along behind him and that's the first thing i see. I guess in order for dad to get his first penny it's going to need to smack him right in the face.

Just like you did to grandma with the butterflies, smacked her right in the face like she needed.

Thank you for everything Aurora. I love you so much.

Penny #3

Thank you for the penny on our walk to see you today. :)
I love you, and miss you.

Limbo

I've been sitting here trying to find the perfect word to describe how I'm feeling. The only word that comes to mind is lost. And no, I do not mean lost on an island with black smoke monsters and a freaky mysterious light.

I feel lost in the world. I feel lost with other people. I feel lost in my own mind and body.

I feel as though I don't have a place. I can smile and laugh, but I do not feel happy. I don't think I have felt truly happy in 8 weeks. In Jasons arms at night is the closest to happy I have felt. He makes me feel safe, comforted, protected, and loved. But happy? I think there's only one way I could be happy right now. Happiness is a feeling that I always had. I feel lost without it. I feel like a horrible person without it.

I feel lost in my life. Not knowing where to go from here. Its all one big waiting game. I'm so tired of waiting. Waiting to try to concieve again. Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting those long 9 months and praying for my take home baby this time. Its a whole lot of waiting for things that are majorly out of our control! And when I can't control it, I feel lost.

Lost and empty.

And all I can do is wait, cry, and put on my mask. When deep down inside, I am broken into so many pieces.... and some of those pieces are forever lost.

Your Uncle Cousin

Dear Aurora,

Today is your Uncle Cousin Jared wedding day. You might be wondering about the whole Uncle Cousin title, and that's something your Uncle Shaun came up with when your cousins were little, so you may blame it all on him. I give you permission.

There are no children allowed at this wedding, except for you. So i hope that you can join us today. I was going to buy you a super cute dress, and maybe a headband with a big ol' flower on it. As much as i was scared to bring you, because you were only going to be a few weeks old, i was looking forward to taking you. You were going to be so cute, I was worried you'd steal all of the attention... but secretly, i was ok with that.

I guess that's all i really have to say. I'm going to miss you so much today. I love you.

Introducing Aurora Rose

Thanks to the lovely people with the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep we finally got more, touched up, pictures of Aurora. I love them!

So i'd like to introduce you to our daughter, Aurora Rose.

Penny #2

Thank you for my 2nd penny from heaven today. Thank you for sending grandma a lot too, she told me today she has gotten about 4! I think your daddy needs a penny. I have my special moments, daddy needs one too.

Today the penny was found at a chinese buffet resturant. A resturant your daddy wanted to go to so badly, but i did not. Now when i'm trying to lose weight! But we went inside anyways... after a teeny tiny fight.... i'm sorry if you saw that. When we came out of the resturant, i found it then. Daddy then tried to say that we were meant to go to the resturant so i could find the penny from you. Whatever daddy. :)

But thank you. After my weekend, i really needed that. I think you knew that.

I miss you a whole lot.

Walls

From the day we learn that we are in controll of our own actions, we start building the foundation of our lives. We all build our walls differently, but I'd like to think that I built mine well.

Through all of lives downs and for when it seems as though we can never catch a break, I've always felt very optimistic. Things will work out, things will be fine, everything happens for a reason.

When we lost Aurora, the foundation I've been building completely crumbled to the ground. I had to start over fresh and new. At first I didn't want to start building the foundation, but I knew I had to. So I started small and started working slowly.

Without my wall, my mind thought thoughts that I didn't know how to react to. Negative thoughts about myself. Negative thoughts about my life. Negative thoughts about future pregnancies. Negative thoughts about other people. There's been so much negativity in my mind, I want to think positive, I want to be happy... I just can't. Without my wall, I don't know who I am anymore.

I haven't gotten very far in my rebuild.... But I started to feel better. I finally was starting to feel as though I could do this. Some positive thoughts have come back, and I felt like I could truly smile and mean it. I was healing.

But then, I am quickly reminded that the wall I'm building isn't very stong yet. That any slight movement can knock down those walls again, and take me about 10 steps backwards.

Time after time, I start to think. Is it even worth rebuilding?! Is it even worth all the time and effort? I know it is, but starting over is difficult.

I just hope that everyone else can be patient with me during the rebuild. I am quite weak and it will take me awhile. I am not the same person I was. I'll never be. My wall will never be the same. Things will just take time.

A Grief Observed

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me . . .

An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m afraid of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don’t . . .

And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness . . .

C. S. Lewis, from A Grief Observed

Miss you a lot

I really miss you a lot today Aurora. And the 3 times I've gone to visit you today showed it. Clean up at the church, planting at the angel, you cousin Christian visiting. Everything today was just pointing to you and how you're no longer with us, and made me ache more for you to be here.

Sometimes when I'm falling asleep at night, my hand will start to fall asleep, and twice now I thought daddy was holding my hand. But during this time I'd shake my hand away because with my hand asleep it felt strange.... only to find out daddy wasn't holding my hand. Deep down inside I know that was you holding my hand. I love that, and I'm sorry to have shaken my hand away. Next time I'll squeeze tight and hope that we never have to let go.

I miss you a lot everyday. I have so many stories I wanted to tell you. So I hope your ears are ready where you are. You can sit on your great poppys lap and have story time many times throughout the day.
We love you.