Sunday, July 4, 2010

I'm okay.

Sometimes I like to think that if I say "I'm okay" enough, it will come true.

Its the phrase everyone wants to hear anyways. When people ask, do they really want the truth? If I said "I'm doing pretty good" the guilt starts to drip in. Do they now think I'm over it? Cause that will never happen.

And with the truth. Do they really want to hear how my dead baby is on my thoughts almost all day long. That I wonder what she'd be doing right now. What clothes would I have her in? Would she be eating good? How many diapers would I have changed by now? Would she be smiling? Laughing?

Do they really want to hear how the only thing I think will make me ok is to have my baby in my arms.

With times, the "I'm okay" line is slowly getting closer to the truth. But with the holidays its hard. Thinking of the little cute outfits I had planned and all the love we had for her.

So If you want to know how we're doing. We're okay.


  1. I hate that "polite" question now. If it's someone just randomly walking by and asking me I'll say do you really want to know? The heartfelt ones I usually give them an honest answer.

  2. I absolutely hate answering that question. I usually just say I'm fine, but I feel guilty for lying on the days tha I'm not fine.. I just assume that the person who is asking probably doesn't really want to know, and they're just trying to be polite by asking. If it's someone close to me who asks, I usually tell them. But yeah, it sucks.