Monday, June 27, 2011


My grandmother is in the hospital. She had fluid in her lungs and needed to go on a ventilator. While she's been in there, things seemed to get worse. After multiple tries, she's still on the ventilator, and the family is starting to make plans.

My grandmother, or as she is called to the great grand kids as GG (Great Grandma), is so full of spunk. Today, while things seemed to be at one of the worst.... she lectured me! My grandmother cannot speak because of the ventilator, but she lectured me.

Two of my cousins have young babies.... they're both under 1 years old (for the next two days anyways when the one turns one). It's been very difficult for me to be around them. Difficult for me to be around N, because he's still so small. And difficult for me to be around K, because he's so close to the age Aurora should be. I'm jealous. I'm bitter. So I tend to avoid them at all costs.

Today, my grandmother basically told me that I need to stop avoiding them. To do it for her. And she's right. I need to wear my big girl panties. They're not Aurora. I think that I've been avoiding them because it's easier for me. I also think because if I were to play with them or hold them... I'm afraid I'll feel very guilty. This is going to be very difficult for me, but I just need to rip off the band aid and do it. I need to do it for my grandmother.

And Aurora. You can't have your GG yet. I know you want her up with you, so she can love you, hug you and squeeze you. But we're not through with her yet here. I'm not going to allow you to have her yet. Do you understand? Mommy still needs her here, your grandmother does too. You can have her someday.... just not yet.


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  2. I found your blog through the TTCAL board. My son passed away last February, and I identify with so much of what you write. After we lost Jack is was SO hard to be around babies and the children of my friends. I know your GG wants you to begin to heal by embracing your cousins babies...but its so hard Stephanie. Continue to be easy on yourself. Honestly for me, as time has gone on, I have less trouble with the children of my friends. The reason is because they are growing older, and my Jack, will always be a baby...MY baby. I dont know why sometimes its easier for me to remember that he'll always be little. I find so much inspiration in your blog. You are in my thoughts often. I know Aurora and Jack are up there shaking their heads at their Mommas and hoping we know how much they love us right back!!! XO Lynn