Bandaid

I ripped the bandaid off and played with baby K today. The one that is very close to how old Aurora should be. It honestly wasn't that bad. I felt a ton better after I did, and know that I can continue.

I decided to write about it to a message board that I frequent... a lot. When I went to check on my post, this is what I found.



The first number is the number of replys. The second number is the number of views!

I am now sitting here in tears. I am sure that it is Auroras way of telling me that I did a good job today. That by playing with K it wasn't forgetting about her, dishonoring her, etc. By playing with K it was helping me heal... and that's what I need.

Thank you so much for that Aurora.

GG

My grandmother is in the hospital. She had fluid in her lungs and needed to go on a ventilator. While she's been in there, things seemed to get worse. After multiple tries, she's still on the ventilator, and the family is starting to make plans.

My grandmother, or as she is called to the great grand kids as GG (Great Grandma), is so full of spunk. Today, while things seemed to be at one of the worst.... she lectured me! My grandmother cannot speak because of the ventilator, but she lectured me.

Two of my cousins have young babies.... they're both under 1 years old (for the next two days anyways when the one turns one). It's been very difficult for me to be around them. Difficult for me to be around N, because he's still so small. And difficult for me to be around K, because he's so close to the age Aurora should be. I'm jealous. I'm bitter. So I tend to avoid them at all costs.

Today, my grandmother basically told me that I need to stop avoiding them. To do it for her. And she's right. I need to wear my big girl panties. They're not Aurora. I think that I've been avoiding them because it's easier for me. I also think because if I were to play with them or hold them... I'm afraid I'll feel very guilty. This is going to be very difficult for me, but I just need to rip off the band aid and do it. I need to do it for my grandmother.


And Aurora. You can't have your GG yet. I know you want her up with you, so she can love you, hug you and squeeze you. But we're not through with her yet here. I'm not going to allow you to have her yet. Do you understand? Mommy still needs her here, your grandmother does too. You can have her someday.... just not yet.

Happy Fathers Day

I handed Nick a fathers day card and told him to fill it out and put it in the gift we had hidden for Jason in his room. Then I walked away.

When Jason opened up the card, he had tears in his eyes. Then he told Nick to hand the card to me.




Nick is such a sweet older brother! I know he misses his sister a ton.

I'm still lost

I realized tonight... that I am still lost. I have lost my sense of myself, my sense of wonder. I have this huge hole in my heart where Aurora should be. I guess I thought over time, that feeling of not knowing who I am would go away.

But today. I still sit here and wonder, who the hell am I? Why am I feeling all of these negative things? Why do I push away the people I care about? Why am I dropping back, and dropping off the face of this earth?

I've stopped caring about certain things. I've stopped hoping. I've stopped dreaming. When am I going to be me again? When am I finally going to feel complete again? Is this just who I am now?

So many questions.... so many thoughts and feelings that I'm finding hard to place into words....

I think the bottom line is that i'm tired. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of thinking about what could have been. I'm tired of watching everyone else around me get their happy ending. I'm tired of being shit on. I'm tired of NEVER catching a break. Why?? Why me?? Why do I have to struggle when others get what they want just by thinking about it? I wish it worked that way for me. I wish it was that easy.

Jealous over a penny?

I have to say. Today is a first. I was jealous of someone else finding a penny! Maybe because it was so close to where I was standing for a long time.

I went on a field trip with my students to a park. They were all swimming in the lake while us adults were watching them from the beach. I walked away for a moment and when I came back, one of them found a penny! She was with a student and said the rhyme "Find a penny, pick it up..." and then gave it to the student for good luck. It was cute. But... I was very jealous!

I would have loved to find that penny!! But i'm glad it made one of the students day.

Penny #31

Thank you for the penny today in our friends driveway. Our friend said he put it there just for me, but I think he was picking on me.

There was also a dime right next to the penny. It just goes to show that you've been wanting to send me a lot more pennies than you can.

Love you so much sweetheart.