Penny #29 & #30

Two pennies again today! Thank you so much hun! I appreciate all of the pennies you send me, even when i'm walking into a drug store to buy aloe because your mommy was silly and forgot sunblock today.

As we were out on the river today, I thought about you a lot. How you would have loved the boat and the water!! Or atleast how I hoped you would have loved!

So thank you for those pennies to know that you're thinking of me too. I love you sweetheart.

A phrase I hate

I've been wanting to write about this topic for awhile now, but it was hard because I wanted to figure out how to properly say it. But screw properly!

A few people have said this phrase to me, and each time they did I wanted to rip their heads off. When it comes to certain people and their pregnancies..... "You HAVE to be happy for them".

It has been something I've been dealing with personally for a long time. I physically could not be happy for them, and it killed me inside that I couldn't. So to hear people tell me that I have to be, when no matter how hard I tried I couldn't.... Just eats at me even more.

Then, one day, it dawned on me. Who says I have to be happy for them? Who made that a rule? Why do I have to be happy for their good fortune, when mine was blown to bits? So I'm sorry for being so blunt, but NO. I don't have to be happy for you. I don't care how that makes me "look". I do not need to celebrate your joy and happiness, when I'm being shit on. I know its not your fault my world was crushed, but I don't need to stand off and watch your happy endings come true.

Now maybe this makes me a hypocrite. But not every pregnancy or every good fortune makes me feel this way. I have grown to love so many women who have been through hell and back much like me. Their pregnancies I jump for joy for. Those are the ones I can feel happiness for.

But for the others.... I guess I'm just still in the "anger" phase of my grief.

EDD - One year later

Its Auroras estimated due date.... just one year later.

I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this day. Where my emotions would be. Surprisingly, I've been okay all day. I did get emotional during one part of the day at work, but it was for a totally legitimate reason. I have thought about Aurora a lot today, a lot more than usual.

To think that I would have a 1 year old right now. That we would have just had a big birthday party for her. To buy those princess themed items we saw in the lovely catalogs that were sent to us. A big birthday cupcake just for her. Smashing frosting all over the place. What I wouldn't give to have those moments with her.

I hope that someday, up in heaven, we'll have those moments finally.

Penny #28

Thank you for the penny today. I saw it by the parking meter when I was going to dinner with a friend. I think it was your way of letting me
know things were going to be okay at that dinner. I really needed it.

Love you hun.

Penny #25, #26 and #27

I know its technically the 22nd right now. But I never had a chance to write today.

Thank you hun for the pennies today. Your 13 month anniversary. Two of them were right next to each other outside the store. I was so happy when I knew there was just one there. But when I noticed the second one, I was even happier!!

The third penny was outside GGs house. Great Aunt Linda cleaned up some leaves, and under that pile was a penny. I'm so shocked she didn't notice it when she was cleaning.
Thank you for the pennies! I love you.

"So I heard you're a mother now"

Growing up my brother played little league, and I played softball. There were tons of girls who played on my side of town. So many, that my small side of town had 4 teams. We got to know so many girls, and their parents too.

Today, I saw one of those parents at the book store. Someone I haven't seen since I was 16 years old. Her daughter and I used to be facebook friends, until I purged over 100 of them because I never really "talked" with them on there.

As we are BSing and catching up on how each other is doing, she says, "So, I heard you're a mother now! Congrats!" Knife... stab...

I kindly stated back to her, "Yes I am. Thank you. I have a wonderful step-son, and our daughter is in heaven. She was born still, we lost her last year."

I still hate how people do not know what to say after that. It's kind of a conversation killer. She said her sorries, and it was nice catching up with you.... and we went on our ways.

Just when you thought everyone knew... there's always that someone who didn't. *sigh*

Penny #24

Thank you so much for the penny today! I was just walking around my classroom and there is was! In the middle of the floor! You must have known what a difficult week it has been for me here at work and how I needed a pick-me-up.

I love you darling!

Happy International Babylost Mothers Day

We cleaned up the columbarium today from the fall and winter. Took care of all of the dead plants we planted last summer, and planted new ones. I knew on this day, we wanted to celebrate my Mothers Day a special way.

We needed to find a plant that will thrive in both the shade and the sun. There are two of these columbariums at the church. 8 spaces wide, 3 spaces high, and they have "rooms" (for lack of better term) on both sides. So far only a few of them are being used. A lot of them are reserved. Like the two on either side of Aurora. My parents are going on her right. Jason and I are going on her left.

Auroras side, we noticed, gets no sunlight at all. When the sun rises, it's blocked by the church. When it's overhead, it's blocked by the columbarium. When it sets, it's blocked by buildings.

The opposite side gets all of the sunlight all day long.

We found out begonias and petnias both do well with direct sunlight and shade.... but we HAD to go with begonias. It's a huge side story in our family.



Everything looks so much better now! I really hated the fall and winter, it looked so bare, so dreary. Now everything looks just, better! It looks so loving there.

I cannot wait for these flowers to really spread out and fill in the open space.



I also cannot wait until these clematis really start climbing all over this angel that my grandmother made!! It's going to look so beautiful there. I'm so glad Jason and I took over cleaning it and keeping it looking so nice.