Balloons to heaven

The annual Balloons To Heaven with the Compassionate Friends happened in July. I've been meaning to write about it for awhile now, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

Every year we meet at a park, share some good times with other grieving parents... and then send off our balloons with notes.



I hope the note got to you safely in heaven my dear sweet Aurora. Mommy loves you.

Penny #41

Wow! I cannot believe I found another penny from you today!! Thank you so much hun!

I got up early to meet someone who was going to buy my laptop, and they stood me up. However, it made my dad when I stepped out of grandmas car to find that penny. Thank you so much. And thank you for all of the pennies this month! I cannot believe all that i've gotten from you.

GG must be helping you with them.

August 19th - Day of Hope

I was away on vacation and I am now finally getting the chance to write about August 19th - Day of Hope.



Last year, the day of hope made memory boxes to take to hospitals. Sometimes you are not prepared when you enter the hospital to hear that your child had died.. and sometimes you are unaware that your healthy baby that was just born, has died. These memory boxes hold small tokens that express that you are not alone.

This year, I could not find a thing about the memory boxes. However, I still made a memory box in honor of August 19th - Day of Hope.



I was so happy with the card I made, it's very simple... but the paper had dragonflies!!!





I hope this box never makes it into the hands of a person. But the reality is, that it will. I then hope, that this box will give someone comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

Penny #39 & #40

I didn't get to it in time to post it on the same day... but thank you so much for the pennies today!

I couldn't believe it when I found one, let alone two of them!!

The first one at the family reunion right after we took our family pictures was nice. I was standing in that spot that the penny was for so long, when did it get there and how did I not notice it until then??

The second one was when we dropped your brother off with his mother. I got out of the car, and there it was!

Thank you so much hun. I love you.

Penny #38

Thank you for the penny today as we were leaving and on our way home from vacation. That makes one from you on our way up, and back. I'm taking it as a sign you were there with us the whole time. I love you sweetheart.

I would also like to thank you for that dragonfly that landed on dads head today! It reminded me of the day I fell in love with dragonflies.

Penny #37

Thank you so much for the third penny today!!! I don't think I've ever gotten so many from you in one day. Dad and I really miss you tons when we are camping. This place has such a special meaning to us. We love you baby girl.

Penny #35 &36

Thank you so much for the 2 pennies today. I was shocked to see both of them together at the gas station as dad was pumping up the tires of our trailer. Did you mean one for dad? Or could that 2nd penny be from GG? Love you and wish you were going on vacation with us. I hope you would have loved camping as much as we all do.

Penny #34

I forgot to write this yesterday. But thank you for the penny yesterday. I went to GGs house and in the middle of her garage was a penny. It took awhile before I even saw it! Thank you so much hun. Love you.

Guilt

Guilt.

It's such a strong word when you've had a loss. It can mean many different things, and all of them at the same time.

You feel guilt, thinking that you did something wrong. If only I went to the ER or called my doctor the first moment I felt something was wrong. If only I had expressed my concern more. If only I had done things differently. I feel a lot of guilt about my sleep; I slept on my back a lot. I sometimes wonder, if it wasn't how I slept at night... that this happened with Aurora. What if I had done things differently?

Even if you can get past all of that guilt. When you've had a loss there's a lot of guilt on how you're supposed to behave. To honor Aurora, am I supposed to hug/squeeze/play with/talk to/feed/teach other babies? How am I supposed to love her properly, when I'm busy with other babies? The guilt will eat at you.

I do have to say, that since the day when my grandmother looked at me and told me to get over myself... the guilt has gone away. Not fully. But the majority of it has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not feel as bitter or jealous or guilty as I once did.

Last week, I even held a 2 month old girl! She was my first girl since Aurora. It was an amazing feeling. I could have never done that a few months ago! Not with the amount of guilt I had. Since then, I also made my first pink baby afghan to give to someone since making the one I made for Aurora.

I don't know if I think of it as, I can't believe it took me this long to get rid of my guilt... or if I should think of it as, I can't believe I have already gotten rid of my guilt. But one thing is for sure. I'm so glad that my guilt is pretty much gone.

I love you baby girl!