Bandaid

I ripped the bandaid off and played with baby K today. The one that is very close to how old Aurora should be. It honestly wasn't that bad. I felt a ton better after I did, and know that I can continue.

I decided to write about it to a message board that I frequent... a lot. When I went to check on my post, this is what I found.



The first number is the number of replys. The second number is the number of views!

I am now sitting here in tears. I am sure that it is Auroras way of telling me that I did a good job today. That by playing with K it wasn't forgetting about her, dishonoring her, etc. By playing with K it was helping me heal... and that's what I need.

Thank you so much for that Aurora.

GG

My grandmother is in the hospital. She had fluid in her lungs and needed to go on a ventilator. While she's been in there, things seemed to get worse. After multiple tries, she's still on the ventilator, and the family is starting to make plans.

My grandmother, or as she is called to the great grand kids as GG (Great Grandma), is so full of spunk. Today, while things seemed to be at one of the worst.... she lectured me! My grandmother cannot speak because of the ventilator, but she lectured me.

Two of my cousins have young babies.... they're both under 1 years old (for the next two days anyways when the one turns one). It's been very difficult for me to be around them. Difficult for me to be around N, because he's still so small. And difficult for me to be around K, because he's so close to the age Aurora should be. I'm jealous. I'm bitter. So I tend to avoid them at all costs.

Today, my grandmother basically told me that I need to stop avoiding them. To do it for her. And she's right. I need to wear my big girl panties. They're not Aurora. I think that I've been avoiding them because it's easier for me. I also think because if I were to play with them or hold them... I'm afraid I'll feel very guilty. This is going to be very difficult for me, but I just need to rip off the band aid and do it. I need to do it for my grandmother.


And Aurora. You can't have your GG yet. I know you want her up with you, so she can love you, hug you and squeeze you. But we're not through with her yet here. I'm not going to allow you to have her yet. Do you understand? Mommy still needs her here, your grandmother does too. You can have her someday.... just not yet.

Happy Fathers Day

I handed Nick a fathers day card and told him to fill it out and put it in the gift we had hidden for Jason in his room. Then I walked away.

When Jason opened up the card, he had tears in his eyes. Then he told Nick to hand the card to me.




Nick is such a sweet older brother! I know he misses his sister a ton.

I'm still lost

I realized tonight... that I am still lost. I have lost my sense of myself, my sense of wonder. I have this huge hole in my heart where Aurora should be. I guess I thought over time, that feeling of not knowing who I am would go away.

But today. I still sit here and wonder, who the hell am I? Why am I feeling all of these negative things? Why do I push away the people I care about? Why am I dropping back, and dropping off the face of this earth?

I've stopped caring about certain things. I've stopped hoping. I've stopped dreaming. When am I going to be me again? When am I finally going to feel complete again? Is this just who I am now?

So many questions.... so many thoughts and feelings that I'm finding hard to place into words....

I think the bottom line is that i'm tired. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of thinking about what could have been. I'm tired of watching everyone else around me get their happy ending. I'm tired of being shit on. I'm tired of NEVER catching a break. Why?? Why me?? Why do I have to struggle when others get what they want just by thinking about it? I wish it worked that way for me. I wish it was that easy.

Jealous over a penny?

I have to say. Today is a first. I was jealous of someone else finding a penny! Maybe because it was so close to where I was standing for a long time.

I went on a field trip with my students to a park. They were all swimming in the lake while us adults were watching them from the beach. I walked away for a moment and when I came back, one of them found a penny! She was with a student and said the rhyme "Find a penny, pick it up..." and then gave it to the student for good luck. It was cute. But... I was very jealous!

I would have loved to find that penny!! But i'm glad it made one of the students day.

Penny #31

Thank you for the penny today in our friends driveway. Our friend said he put it there just for me, but I think he was picking on me.

There was also a dime right next to the penny. It just goes to show that you've been wanting to send me a lot more pennies than you can.

Love you so much sweetheart.

Penny #29 & #30

Two pennies again today! Thank you so much hun! I appreciate all of the pennies you send me, even when i'm walking into a drug store to buy aloe because your mommy was silly and forgot sunblock today.

As we were out on the river today, I thought about you a lot. How you would have loved the boat and the water!! Or atleast how I hoped you would have loved!

So thank you for those pennies to know that you're thinking of me too. I love you sweetheart.

A phrase I hate

I've been wanting to write about this topic for awhile now, but it was hard because I wanted to figure out how to properly say it. But screw properly!

A few people have said this phrase to me, and each time they did I wanted to rip their heads off. When it comes to certain people and their pregnancies..... "You HAVE to be happy for them".

It has been something I've been dealing with personally for a long time. I physically could not be happy for them, and it killed me inside that I couldn't. So to hear people tell me that I have to be, when no matter how hard I tried I couldn't.... Just eats at me even more.

Then, one day, it dawned on me. Who says I have to be happy for them? Who made that a rule? Why do I have to be happy for their good fortune, when mine was blown to bits? So I'm sorry for being so blunt, but NO. I don't have to be happy for you. I don't care how that makes me "look". I do not need to celebrate your joy and happiness, when I'm being shit on. I know its not your fault my world was crushed, but I don't need to stand off and watch your happy endings come true.

Now maybe this makes me a hypocrite. But not every pregnancy or every good fortune makes me feel this way. I have grown to love so many women who have been through hell and back much like me. Their pregnancies I jump for joy for. Those are the ones I can feel happiness for.

But for the others.... I guess I'm just still in the "anger" phase of my grief.

EDD - One year later

Its Auroras estimated due date.... just one year later.

I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this day. Where my emotions would be. Surprisingly, I've been okay all day. I did get emotional during one part of the day at work, but it was for a totally legitimate reason. I have thought about Aurora a lot today, a lot more than usual.

To think that I would have a 1 year old right now. That we would have just had a big birthday party for her. To buy those princess themed items we saw in the lovely catalogs that were sent to us. A big birthday cupcake just for her. Smashing frosting all over the place. What I wouldn't give to have those moments with her.

I hope that someday, up in heaven, we'll have those moments finally.

Penny #28

Thank you for the penny today. I saw it by the parking meter when I was going to dinner with a friend. I think it was your way of letting me
know things were going to be okay at that dinner. I really needed it.

Love you hun.