GG

My grandmother is in the hospital. She had fluid in her lungs and needed to go on a ventilator. While she's been in there, things seemed to get worse. After multiple tries, she's still on the ventilator, and the family is starting to make plans.

My grandmother, or as she is called to the great grand kids as GG (Great Grandma), is so full of spunk. Today, while things seemed to be at one of the worst.... she lectured me! My grandmother cannot speak because of the ventilator, but she lectured me.

Two of my cousins have young babies.... they're both under 1 years old (for the next two days anyways when the one turns one). It's been very difficult for me to be around them. Difficult for me to be around N, because he's still so small. And difficult for me to be around K, because he's so close to the age Aurora should be. I'm jealous. I'm bitter. So I tend to avoid them at all costs.

Today, my grandmother basically told me that I need to stop avoiding them. To do it for her. And she's right. I need to wear my big girl panties. They're not Aurora. I think that I've been avoiding them because it's easier for me. I also think because if I were to play with them or hold them... I'm afraid I'll feel very guilty. This is going to be very difficult for me, but I just need to rip off the band aid and do it. I need to do it for my grandmother.


And Aurora. You can't have your GG yet. I know you want her up with you, so she can love you, hug you and squeeze you. But we're not through with her yet here. I'm not going to allow you to have her yet. Do you understand? Mommy still needs her here, your grandmother does too. You can have her someday.... just not yet.