Guilt

Guilt.

It's such a strong word when you've had a loss. It can mean many different things, and all of them at the same time.

You feel guilt, thinking that you did something wrong. If only I went to the ER or called my doctor the first moment I felt something was wrong. If only I had expressed my concern more. If only I had done things differently. I feel a lot of guilt about my sleep; I slept on my back a lot. I sometimes wonder, if it wasn't how I slept at night... that this happened with Aurora. What if I had done things differently?

Even if you can get past all of that guilt. When you've had a loss there's a lot of guilt on how you're supposed to behave. To honor Aurora, am I supposed to hug/squeeze/play with/talk to/feed/teach other babies? How am I supposed to love her properly, when I'm busy with other babies? The guilt will eat at you.

I do have to say, that since the day when my grandmother looked at me and told me to get over myself... the guilt has gone away. Not fully. But the majority of it has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not feel as bitter or jealous or guilty as I once did.

Last week, I even held a 2 month old girl! She was my first girl since Aurora. It was an amazing feeling. I could have never done that a few months ago! Not with the amount of guilt I had. Since then, I also made my first pink baby afghan to give to someone since making the one I made for Aurora.

I don't know if I think of it as, I can't believe it took me this long to get rid of my guilt... or if I should think of it as, I can't believe I have already gotten rid of my guilt. But one thing is for sure. I'm so glad that my guilt is pretty much gone.

I love you baby girl!