Day 364

Day 364 is reminding me a lot of Day 1. Well, maybe not exactly day 1... but day 10 or day 20. My emotions are on a roller coaster, and I'm having a hard time controlling them. Tears have been popping up for no known reason for about a week now, and only getting worse the closer we get to April 21st.

I honestly cannot believe that it's been a year. It really feels like yesterday that I was feeling her kicks inside me. That I was getting nervous that I haven't felt her in awhile. That I was sitting in the waiting room... just waiting to get called in. I can still hear the u/s techs voice as she excused herself from the room. I can still see the eyes of everyone as they saw me. I can still feel the hug my mother gave me when she first saw me.

The hospital room is so fresh in my memory. And so is seeing and holding my daughter for the first time and last time.

Today, my heart is still heavy with hurt. My mind still goes crazy with what should have been. My pain of losing my daughter still feels like day 1. Only now, it's a year later.