Happy (?) Thanksgiving

Today has turned out to be harder than I thought it was going to be. I just can't be thankful for anything when the thing that I am not thankful for is so huge. I'm trying, I really am. I just can't do it. I can't help but think about all the things I should be doing today. I can't help but think about the cute thanksgiving outfit I would have bought for Aurora. I can't help but think about how Aurora would be on solids now, and how I would have found a turkey flavored baby food.

I can't help but think about all of these things that I should have been so thankful for... and then the tears come.

So now I have to go, and try my best not to be sad to bring everyone else down. I just hate this. I hate all of this.

7 months later, and today hurts just as badly as it did day 1.

I think the part that hurts the most, is seeing everyone else being thankful for things that I can't be thankful for. And the whole thought of why them and not me. Why do they get to be thankful today. Why do they get their happy ending and not me. What the hell did they do so much better that they deserve it more than I do?

Pity party today for one. Happy not-so-thankful Thanksgiving to you.

This Week is full of Milestones

This week is so full of big days and milestones. The first one being yesterday, 7 months since we lost Aurora. 7 months?! I sometimes think about where the time has gone, it doesn't seem like it's has been 7 months at all. To think that Aurora would have been 6 months (or almost 6 months old) boggles my mind. 7 months also means that we are getting closer to 12 months. 7 months is 7 months too long to go without her.

The next big day would be tomorrow. My birthday. This time last year, I did not think that I would be childless on my birthday. I always had this number in my head that I wanted children by.... 30. Now, I'm one year closer to not reaching that goal. I know it wont be the end of the world if I do not have a child by this time next year, but it will be a big disappointment.

Third, Thanksgiving. As I think it will be hard for anyone who has lost their child this year. Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, but honestly... I can't think of what to be thankful for.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer about it. I know I have a wonderful family, a loving husband, a decent job, a roof over my head and food in my fridge. But without Aurora in my arms, it's hard to push that aside and be thankful for everything else that we do have. All I am reminded about is what I don't have, and that's my daughter. How can I give thanks when I'm not thankful for what has happened this year?

These next few days are going to be difficult. A week of milestones. I hate milestones.

I dreamed!

I dreamed of Aurora last night!!! The part of the dream that was the best was when I found a note from Jason talking about how he got up this morning, changed her diaper and got her dressed in a costume. So when I went to get her, she was dressed in a crocheted bunny outfit that was way too cute. I picked her up and started talking to her. I asked her if she wanted to have some tummy time today and she was smiling at me.

I didn't want to wake up from my dream, but I did. I'm glad I could have slept in today, because I did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to go back to sleep and dream some more of my dear Aurora.

I hope I can have more dreams of her soon.

6 Months + 2 days

I cannot believe it has been 6 months since we lost Aurora. A half a year has gone by, and I now sit here feeling just as hopeless as day 1. I still think of Aurora every day, and I have started to wonder if there ever will be a day that she doesn't cross my mind. Maybe someday, but honestly, I hope not.

Jason got a penny from Aurora on Thursday. This is only his 2nd penny, I believe. How great is it that he got it on the 6 month mark?! I was actually quite jealous. But when I never even left the house, except to take the dog out, I can't really expect a penny.
I miss you Aurora. I will love you always.

October 15th

I never did get around to writing on October 15th like I wanted to. October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is to promote Support, Education and Awareness for grieving parents nationwide (and worldwide).

Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

I feel as though I am in such a better place than I could have been because I was not grieving in silence. I spoke, and continue to speak about my loss. I speak about Aurora all of the time, visit her all of the time and love her always.

I honestly would hate to know where I would be if I wasn't open about my loss and all of my feelings. I know I wouldn't be where I am today. I know I wouldn't be able to smile today when I think of Aurora.

At 7pm, we lit a candle for Aurora.





This is something that we'll continue to do for the next many many years!

Lighting a candle is not just something that a family does for their little one. It is also something that anyone can do to remember all of the babies lost. I hope that next year, some of you will join us in lighting a candle, not only for Aurora, but for all of the babies lost.

Feeling comfortable

Sometimes I feel as though I'll never be comfortable when I am around people who are talking and pregnancies and babies. I just sometimes feel like I am always looking for the nearest exit or the best excuse to leave. How can I change the subject of a topic that everyone seems to love to talk about? I hate it.

I really wish that all pregnancies and babies would just disappear until I am ready to move on. And then, they can come back and be exactly where they should be. Or, what would be better is goggles. Special baby goggles that won't make me see pregnant bellies or little babies. And then I'd need special earmuffs too. It would drown out all of the chatter of pregnancies that will all turn out perfectly fine.

The ear muffs would be so perfect. It would change all of the stupid comments that people say! The best one yet has been, next time... "It'll be easier." I looked at them with a side eye, not quite sure what they meant. Next time, delivery will be easier. What the heck!? Ear muffs would have been wonderful at that moment.

Ear muffs and goggles. If anyone can invent those things so I no longer have to feel the discomfort, I'd appreciate it.

Penny #11

Thank you for the penny today at the grocery store. I actually had two pennies in my hand ready to drop for other angels. I was looking for a good spot to drop one when I found it. Thank you honey. I love you.

Quit looking at me!

This is the newest thing that I have been getting. People see me, they say hello and then they glance at my stomach. What the heck is that all about??? Are they looking to see if I'm pregnant again? Well even when I was 8 months pregnant you couldn't tell I was pregnant at all. Or are you looking to see if losing my child did something to me? I really don't understand the look.

I wish I could say it was just one or two people doing it. But after I noticed these one or two people, I started noticing a lot of other people doing it too.

Do these people have magic ute glasses that I don't know about?

I don't know why this bothers me. It makes me feel a little self conscious when they do it. I'm constantly checking to see if I have a stain or got anything on me. So please.... just stop looking at my stomach. All you'll see there is fat.

Walking To Remember

There is a tree at the park that I used to walk at, it's a tree dedicated to the families that have lost a baby. I have never noticed this tree before yesterday.

The annual Walk To Remember was held yesterday. It's a walk I never knew existed before, but I'm so glad it does. It was a short walk, around one section of the park. One that was quiet and peaceful.

We all had pink carnations that represented our LO, and at the end of the walk we placed them in the tree that is dedicated to us. The walk, the tree, the things I never knew were there.... now mean so much to me.

Not only did I think about Aurora and remember her for our walk... but I also thought about all of the other babies of all of the women who have helped me through so much these past 5 months. Without them, I don't know where i'd be right now.

We plan on walking every year now. Nicolas told me that even after we die, he'll still be going to that walk to remember Aurora too.

I really wish all communities had this walk.

Penny #10

Thank you so much for the penny yesterday. I was just noting how long it has been since I had gotten one from you. Thank you for Uncle Timmys penny too. Did you see how he tried to get me to "find" it?? How silly! He's the one who found it, it was meant for him... no matter how much he thinks it wasn't.

I know it wasn't meant for me, but it was a way for me to find the one you left for me. Because on our "walk" to "find" the penny that Uncle Timmy had already found, is when I found the one from you. Right out smack dab in the open too on his stairs outside.

Thank you so much. We love you and miss you. We spent a lot of time thinking of you yesterday.