My Angel Aurora Rose

Penny #66

2012-01-28T21:32:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it! Another penny today, and in the same exact place I found the penny yesterday! I received more coupons for the good deal, where I am donating the item. So I went with grandma to pick up some more. I was telling her how I found the penny yesterday. Then, as we were walking out of the store, I found one! It was on grandmas side, but she didn't see it. Thank you so much for the penny today! I'm hoping it was a "i'm proud of you mommy" penny, for getting through a 1st Birthday Party today. In which, I got through the whole party, and I was fine. It was the very first whole 1st birthday party that I've gone through since you were born. Your 1st birthday party was still my favorite.

Penny #65

2012-01-27T21:31:00.000-05:00

I totally wasn't expecting the penny I got today! I was out buying something to donate to a local charity, and I had a lot of pennies in my pocket. Grandma had actually given me those pennies when we went out to lunch right before I went shopping. I decided to drop one of the pennies at the register, when I watched where it landed..... it landed right next to another penny! How perfect! I couldn't help but smile. Thank you so much for the penny today!

New Years

2012-01-17T17:20:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to write on here about New Years Eve. I just never got around to it. I feel bad that I haven't done so, and was putting it off. But here it is, only 17 days late.

Last year I wrote about our New Years Eve tradition. Aurora's money box still only contains pennies and nickles. I have yet to find any other coin that has a 2010 date stamped on it! This year I also placed one of the ribbons we wore at her funeral in the box. It was the one my grandmother wore.

We once again placed the money at the columnbarium where Aurora is. Not wanting someone to take it, we dropped it off on our way to Grandma and Poppy's house.. and picked it up on our way home shortly after midnight.

When we are at Aurora's columnbarium, we can see the Security Mutual building. They always have it lit up, and in more than just the green color. On New Years Eve, this is how they had it lit.

I love it when they have it lit like this. For some reason it reminds me of the Aurora Borealis, and reminds me of Aurora. I love it.

Penny #63 & #64

2012-01-17T16:43:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for both of the pennies today.

I was thinking about you more than usual these past couple of days. With the news of a co-worker who lost her daughter, it brings forward all of the pain I felt when I lost you. I ache inside because I know how she is feeling right now, and that is a pain I never would wish upon my worst enemy. I had actually just finished seeing you, after asking you to pop over and visit her in heaven. To tell her our mommies know each other, and to give her all of the love we are feeling.

So seeing both of those pennies, one going into the store, and one coming out, meant so much to me! Thank you so much darling.

I love you and miss you more than you know.

Penny #62

2012-01-05T22:55:00.001-05:00

Thank you for the penny yesterday! I was having a pretty crappy day, and needed that little pick me up from you! Thank you hun! I love you.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-26T23:57:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas Aurora! I cannot believe that another Christmas has gone by without you here with us. I really hope you and GG celebrated in good old fashion up there!

Your tree was placed at the columnbarium about a month ago.

Dad and Nick helped to put the tree up, and we added new solar lights to it! I hope it shined bright for you!

We also added lots of new ornaments this year.

I really hope that you liked them. Each one is very special in their own way, and mean a lot to us.

Merry Christmas. Mommy and Daddy love you so much.

Penny #61

2011-12-26T11:59:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for the penny today while we were out shopping! We were looking for the Christmas themed towels that GG always made every year, and the store I thought would have them... didn't. :(

Dad found a penny today as well! You have been quite busy, haven't you?

I have also been finding a lot of soda tabs, they still make me smile.

Penny #58, 59 and 60

2011-12-24T23:48:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for the pennies!! I know I didn't get all three of them today, but I'm finally sitting down to post them.

The first two came Thursday. One was right outside our driveway :) I totally wouldn't have seen it if dad didn't try to run me over with the car as a joke. The other one Thursday was right outside a place where I was picking up some stuff for your brother. I never expected one to be there!

And then today, thank you so much for the penny outside of Grandma and Poppys house. On Christmas Eve i've been thinking about you a lot. It would have been a lot of fun watching you open up gifts this year. I love you hun! Merry Christmas.

Candle Lighting

2011-12-12T16:28:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting held annually in memory of all precious children who are loved, missed, and remembered.

It's a beautiful event full of wonderful parents who have lost children of all ages. Once again this year, my parents read the Grandparents Credo. And once again, it was very difficult to hear them read it. Sometimes in our grief, we forget about the others who are also grieving. Not only are my parents still grieving Aurora, but they are also struggling watching me grieve. I tend to forget about that part... that is until something like this happens that reminds me.

I held it together for most of the service. Until someone sang this song:

It is such a beautiful song and the words just really hit me.

Merry Christmas my dear Aurora. I know you were there with us yesterday as Grandma, Poppy, Dad and I all lit candles for you.

Penny #57

2011-12-06T22:51:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for the penny today at the grocery store! Dad walked right over it too, he was bummed. Love you hun!

Penny #56

2011-12-02T16:47:00.001-05:00

I guess I should have waited before writing that last post... because I found another penny in the same classroom!! Thank you so much hun! I love them both!

Penny #55

2011-12-02T11:04:00.001-05:00

Thank you so much for the penny today! I am working in a classroom, and as I was getting ready for a new class to come in, I noticed it on the floor by the teachers desk. I even said out loud "Is that a penny?" How awesome that it was! Thank you hun! Love you!

Penny #54

2011-11-26T23:08:00.000-05:00

I feel so lucky!! I found another penny today!

We went on a little road trip with Grandma and Poppy today. On our way home, we made a special stop at a Tim Hortons because I was craving a maple dipped donut. I was so shocked to see that penny as I was walking out the door. It was out of my way, but I walked right over and picked it right up!

Thank you so much for all of these pennies hun! I love them! I love you!

Thanksgiving

2011-11-25T22:13:00.000-05:00

I just read my entry that I wrote last Thanksgiving. I cannot believe where I have come in a year in my grief. I have come a long way in my grief. Some days it still doesn't feel like I have, but looking back to how heartbroken I was, it really proves just how far I have come.

While Thanksgiving did suck without my dear Aurora, or without a little brother or sister, and without my grandmother.... it did not hurt as badly as it did last year. I wasn't in that dark place that haunted me last year. I was very negative, and bitter. I had a hard time accepting what had happened to us, and why all of these other people had all this joy while all we had was sorrow.

I'm glad that I have healed in this past year. I did not like that dark place I was in, and I know others didn't like it either. Lets hope that I continue to heal while continuing to honor and love my dear Aurora.

Penny #53

2011-11-25T21:51:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for the Thanksgiving penny yesterday! I wasn't even going to go out shopping, but I did, and that's when I saw that lovely penny by the door. I was putting the cart away and told grandma that she needed to pick it up! But since I saw it first, she gave it to me. :)

Thank you so much hun! I am so thankful to get those special pennies on these special days!

Penny #52

2011-11-23T21:05:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for the birthday penny today! I saw it when I was in the check-out line at the grocery store. There were two people ahead of me when I saw it, I was just hoping that one of them wouldn't pick it up. I was so excited when they didn't!

Thank you hun!

Sell by when?

2011-11-22T21:36:00.001-05:00

A local grocery store had Pumpkin Spice creamers in stock! I love this creamer! So I stocked up on it. As I was checking the expiration date, to see how many I could really stock up on, this is what I noticed on each and every single one of them.

My first thought was not, "Wow! These are good until April?!" It was, "Oh wow. April 21st. Aurora's birthday."

It's always the little things that are the constant reminders. There still hasn't been a day that has passed where I haven't thought of her. I think I like it that way.

Penny #50 & #51

2011-11-22T21:31:00.001-05:00

Penny #50 I found on Thursday - November 17th. I wasn't sure on if I wanted to consider it a penny or not. I found it while I was working, inside a classroom. It was on the floor right by their coat closet. It was all alone with no buckets or any other manipulatives in sight. Finally today, I decided that yes, it is a penny so it counts!

If you look, you'll notice that it's a plastic "School Money" penny. But, it is a penny none the less. I 'stole' it and it will rest in the piggy bank along with the rest of Aurora's pennies.

Penny #51 I did find today on my way to my car after work. I park on a side street, and never thought i'd find a penny there on the side of the road. Thank you so much for the penny today honey! I love it!

Penny #48 & #49

2011-11-11T11:03:00.002-05:00

Thank you for the pennies yesterday! They were both right outside my house. One, on the corner, as I was walking inside the house to grab something. And the other, right next to my car, as I was walking back to my car. I'm shocked I didn't notice it when I was walking inside!

Thank you so much my dear. I love you!

Just Another Thing :)

2011-11-08T16:09:00.002-05:00

Whenever I am out, and looking at the ground for pennies... I always seem to find a tab from a soda can. They're everywhere!!

In the very beginning of the pennies from heaven, I often wondered if she was sending me the tabs instead of pennies. So still today, whenever I see a pull tab on the ground, it's just another thing that makes me think of my sweet angel. So maybe they really are from her? Because isn't anything that makes me think of Aurora, from her?

Penny #47

2011-11-07T21:28:00.002-05:00

I totally forgot to write about this penny on Saturday when it happened. Dad and I were outside raking leaves when I found the penny on the corner. Thank you so much babe!

Penny #45 & #46

2011-10-28T22:17:00.001-04:00

Thank you so much for the pennies today! I wasn't expecting the first one at all, but when I came back to my car from the store, there it was!! Right under the front door of my car!

I was so surprised from finding the first one, I never thought i'd find another one when we went to another store in the evening. We were walking out, and there it was on the floor! Thank you so much hun.

Love you!

Penny #44

2011-10-23T21:09:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much for the penny today! I would have never gone to that store today, but the newspaper I went to buy was really yesterdays paper! What a bummer! But the whole situation was so much better, because of that penny. Thank you so much hun! Love you!

Penny #43

2011-10-05T23:20:00.003-04:00

Thank you so much for the penny! Dad and I were so excited that we were getting free pizza, finding that penny in the pizza places parking lot made it even better! Thank you hun! Love you so much!

Penny #42

2011-09-24T20:59:00.003-04:00

Thank you so much for the penny darling!! It was a very emotional day for me and I was thinking about you lots! I am so happy that when I was walking into that store, I noticed the penny sitting there. It was quite easy to miss, as it was the same color as the crack in the sidewalk. But, of course I would notice it! Thank you so much. I really needed that penny after how emotional I was today.

2 years ago...

2011-09-19T22:59:00.003-04:00

Two years ago I woke up from a dream. A dream about a baby girl, with the name tag Rose, dropped off at my door. I opened the door and snagged her up and told her I'd never let her go. That's when I noticed people out there looking for her. They banged on my front door as I hunkered down low so they couldn't see me. I hugged that little girl and told them they'd never take her from me.

I wonder if that dream was really telling me my future. That they'd take my little girl away?

When I woke up from the dream, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I have very irregular cycles and never had an idea on when my period would show up. So I always had tests on hand and every month I'd take a test when I realized that I hadn't had her inawhile. About 2 weeks before, I had slight spotting and thought I was getting her. My dog was even in heat and whenever she was in heat, I usully had my period.

So many things lined up. But I didn't want to believe it when I got that positive on the pregnancy test. So many tests before that had been negative... But finally. A positive. I hadn't been that happpy in a long time!

Two years ago I knew my life was going to change.

If only I knew then what I know npw...

Salt Springs State Park

2011-09-06T17:52:00.006-04:00

On Sunday, Jason took Nick and I to Salt Springs State Park in PA. It's not that far from where we live, maybe a 30 minute drive... if that. It's a cute little state park with lots of hiking. They have hiking trails, as well as the creek with some waterfalls that you can climb.

We decided to go on a hiking trail first to see penny rock. I know! How perfect?! Unfortunately Jason forgot to mention that there was such a rock until we were in the middle of our hike. We found the rock and I was amazed in the pennies!!

I'm not sure what made them curl up like that, unless the people hammer them in. Jason and I said that we'll have to go back soon and bring a penny and a little hammer.

After we were done with the hiking trail, it took us to the top of the creek where the waterfalls start. So instead of climbing up the waterfalls, we climbed them down. It was so beautiful!! There were even little dragonflies flying around.

From penny rock to the dragonflies, this whole trip I thought of Aurora. I thought about how we could have taken her on the hiking trail and carried her down the waterfalls. We could have let her play in the water. I would have took so many pictures.

I can't wait to go back.

TV Triggers

2011-09-02T23:19:00.004-04:00

When I say triggers, it kind of sounds negative, doesn't it? I don't mean these triggers as bad triggers. The one, makes me smile. The other makes me cry... but it's not bad. I kind of just wanted to clear the air before going into the TV shows.

The first show is Big Brother. I am a huge fan of this reality TV show! I don't watch a lot of the reality TV show games.... but I do watch Big Brother and I have been watching it every summer since the beginning!

Jeff, is one of my favorite players and I was so happy to see him back again this season. Then, he really became my favorite player for a T-Shirt that he wears constantly.

This was the best picture I could find... but if you notice, his shirt says Aurora. Now, i'm assuming it's for Aurora Colorado. I would love to learn why he wears it all of the time!

I was sad when he got kicked off the show, only because I wouldn't see him wearing that shirt anymore. It made me smile whenever I saw him wear it.

The second TV show that has triggers is my soap opera. All My Children. Back in, March maybe, a character on the show was pregnant and her daughter was stillborn. In weird soap opera ways, the mother never knew her daughter was stillborn as they had another baby right there. The mother is also blind and was passed out at the time of the delivery. When that episode happened, seeing the father cry and mourn was so hard.

Now, the mother is finally finding out that the child she thought was hers, is really not. And I have to relive the crying and screaming that I know all too well. It's weird. Maybe because I know it's not real... but it's not bad. It's not something that is painful to watch. It's just something that makes me cry and think of my sweet daughter.

Two unlikely TV shows take me back to my daughter. It's strange how things work like that.

This is how I feel a lot of the time.

2011-09-02T13:35:00.002-04:00

I especially love the line, "I hate her uterus."

Balloons to heaven

2011-08-23T12:08:00.004-04:00

The annual Balloons To Heaven with the Compassionate Friends happened in July. I've been meaning to write about it for awhile now, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

Every year we meet at a park, share some good times with other grieving parents... and then send off our balloons with notes.

I hope the note got to you safely in heaven my dear sweet Aurora. Mommy loves you.

Penny #41

2011-08-23T11:58:00.001-04:00

Wow! I cannot believe I found another penny from you today!! Thank you so much hun!

I got up early to meet someone who was going to buy my laptop, and they stood me up. However, it made my dad when I stepped out of grandmas car to find that penny. Thank you so much. And thank you for all of the pennies this month! I cannot believe all that i've gotten from you.

GG must be helping you with them.

August 19th - Day of Hope

2011-08-22T11:52:00.009-04:00

I was away on vacation and I am now finally getting the chance to write about August 19th - Day of Hope.

Last year, the day of hope made memory boxes to take to hospitals. Sometimes you are not prepared when you enter the hospital to hear that your child had died.. and sometimes you are unaware that your healthy baby that was just born, has died. These memory boxes hold small tokens that express that you are not alone.

This year, I could not find a thing about the memory boxes. However, I still made a memory box in honor of August 19th - Day of Hope.

I was so happy with the card I made, it's very simple... but the paper had dragonflies!!!

I hope this box never makes it into the hands of a person. But the reality is, that it will. I then hope, that this box will give someone comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

Penny #39 & #40

2011-08-21T00:05:00.003-04:00

I didn't get to it in time to post it on the same day... but thank you so much for the pennies today!

I couldn't believe it when I found one, let alone two of them!!

The first one at the family reunion right after we took our family pictures was nice. I was standing in that spot that the penny was for so long, when did it get there and how did I not notice it until then??

The second one was when we dropped your brother off with his mother. I got out of the car, and there it was!

Thank you so much hun. I love you.

Penny #38

2011-08-19T17:56:00.004-04:00

Thank you for the penny today as we were leaving and on our way home from vacation. That makes one from you on our way up, and back. I'm taking it as a sign you were there with us the whole time. I love you sweetheart.

I would also like to thank you for that dragonfly that landed on dads head today! It reminded me of the day I fell in love with dragonflies.

Penny #37

2011-08-12T23:00:00.003-04:00

Thank you so much for the third penny today!!! I don't think I've ever gotten so many from you in one day. Dad and I really miss you tons when we are camping. This place has such a special meaning to us. We love you baby girl.

Penny #35 &36

2011-08-12T13:04:00.003-04:00

Thank you so much for the 2 pennies today. I was shocked to see both of them together at the gas station as dad was pumping up the tires of our trailer. Did you mean one for dad? Or could that 2nd penny be from GG? Love you and wish you were going on vacation with us. I hope you would have loved camping as much as we all do.

Penny #34

2011-08-10T14:59:00.003-04:00

I forgot to write this yesterday. But thank you for the penny yesterday. I went to GGs house and in the middle of her garage was a penny. It took awhile before I even saw it! Thank you so much hun. Love you.

Guilt

2011-08-08T19:53:00.002-04:00

Guilt.

It's such a strong word when you've had a loss. It can mean many different things, and all of them at the same time.

You feel guilt, thinking that you did something wrong. If only I went to the ER or called my doctor the first moment I felt something was wrong. If only I had expressed my concern more. If only I had done things differently. I feel a lot of guilt about my sleep; I slept on my back a lot. I sometimes wonder, if it wasn't how I slept at night... that this happened with Aurora. What if I had done things differently?

Even if you can get past all of that guilt. When you've had a loss there's a lot of guilt on how you're supposed to behave. To honor Aurora, am I supposed to hug/squeeze/play with/talk to/feed/teach other babies? How am I supposed to love her properly, when I'm busy with other babies? The guilt will eat at you.

I do have to say, that since the day when my grandmother looked at me and told me to get over myself... the guilt has gone away. Not fully. But the majority of it has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not feel as bitter or jealous or guilty as I once did.

Last week, I even held a 2 month old girl! She was my first girl since Aurora. It was an amazing feeling. I could have never done that a few months ago! Not with the amount of guilt I had. Since then, I also made my first pink baby afghan to give to someone since making the one I made for Aurora.

I don't know if I think of it as, I can't believe it took me this long to get rid of my guilt... or if I should think of it as, I can't believe I have already gotten rid of my guilt. But one thing is for sure. I'm so glad that my guilt is pretty much gone.

I love you baby girl!

Penny #33

2011-07-28T21:59:00.002-04:00

Thank you so much for the penny today in the resturant parking lot. I still cannot believe that dad walked right over the penny and didn't see it! He said it must have been meant for me, I guess so. Thank you so much hun!

Heaven must be having a party!

2011-07-23T20:21:00.003-04:00

I've been putting off writing this for awhile. Maybe because I am not sure how to say this.

On July 5th, Aurora has a new family member with her in heaven. Her GG came to give her all of my hugs and kisses, as well as her own.

Aurora. I know I told you that you couldn't have your GG yet, but now that she is with you enjoy every moment with her. She gives great advice and always has the best kisses and hugs. Don't let her chicka bookie you too much. I hope you and GG have had a wonderful time in heaven so far. I can't wait until we can join you and see you again.

Penny #32

2011-07-23T20:14:00.003-04:00

Thank you so much for the penny today. I was just mentioning how its been so long since I got one from you. Dad has been mentioning that he's been getting a lot of pennies from you lately. I was getting very jealous.

So thank you for the penny today at the drive-in. It was right at my feet when dad changed our seats around. I think you knew dad would move our seats.

Bandaid

2011-06-30T19:56:00.004-04:00

I ripped the bandaid off and played with baby K today. The one that is very close to how old Aurora should be. It honestly wasn't that bad. I felt a ton better after I did, and know that I can continue.

I decided to write about it to a message board that I frequent... a lot. When I went to check on my post, this is what I found.

The first number is the number of replys. The second number is the number of views!

I am now sitting here in tears. I am sure that it is Auroras way of telling me that I did a good job today. That by playing with K it wasn't forgetting about her, dishonoring her, etc. By playing with K it was helping me heal... and that's what I need.

Thank you so much for that Aurora.

GG

2011-06-27T21:29:00.003-04:00

My grandmother is in the hospital. She had fluid in her lungs and needed to go on a ventilator. While she's been in there, things seemed to get worse. After multiple tries, she's still on the ventilator, and the family is starting to make plans.

My grandmother, or as she is called to the great grand kids as GG (Great Grandma), is so full of spunk. Today, while things seemed to be at one of the worst.... she lectured me! My grandmother cannot speak because of the ventilator, but she lectured me.

Two of my cousins have young babies.... they're both under 1 years old (for the next two days anyways when the one turns one). It's been very difficult for me to be around them. Difficult for me to be around N, because he's still so small. And difficult for me to be around K, because he's so close to the age Aurora should be. I'm jealous. I'm bitter. So I tend to avoid them at all costs.

Today, my grandmother basically told me that I need to stop avoiding them. To do it for her. And she's right. I need to wear my big girl panties. They're not Aurora. I think that I've been avoiding them because it's easier for me. I also think because if I were to play with them or hold them... I'm afraid I'll feel very guilty. This is going to be very difficult for me, but I just need to rip off the band aid and do it. I need to do it for my grandmother.

And Aurora. You can't have your GG yet. I know you want her up with you, so she can love you, hug you and squeeze you. But we're not through with her yet here. I'm not going to allow you to have her yet. Do you understand? Mommy still needs her here, your grandmother does too. You can have her someday.... just not yet.

Happy Fathers Day

2011-06-19T10:08:00.004-04:00

I handed Nick a fathers day card and told him to fill it out and put it in the gift we had hidden for Jason in his room. Then I walked away.

When Jason opened up the card, he had tears in his eyes. Then he told Nick to hand the card to me.

Nick is such a sweet older brother! I know he misses his sister a ton.

I'm still lost

2011-06-18T22:20:00.002-04:00

I realized tonight... that I am still lost. I have lost my sense of myself, my sense of wonder. I have this huge hole in my heart where Aurora should be. I guess I thought over time, that feeling of not knowing who I am would go away.

But today. I still sit here and wonder, who the hell am I? Why am I feeling all of these negative things? Why do I push away the people I care about? Why am I dropping back, and dropping off the face of this earth?

I've stopped caring about certain things. I've stopped hoping. I've stopped dreaming. When am I going to be me again? When am I finally going to feel complete again? Is this just who I am now?

So many questions.... so many thoughts and feelings that I'm finding hard to place into words....

I think the bottom line is that i'm tired. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of thinking about what could have been. I'm tired of watching everyone else around me get their happy ending. I'm tired of being shit on. I'm tired of NEVER catching a break. Why?? Why me?? Why do I have to struggle when others get what they want just by thinking about it? I wish it worked that way for me. I wish it was that easy.

Jealous over a penny?

2011-06-15T21:38:00.003-04:00

I have to say. Today is a first. I was jealous of someone else finding a penny! Maybe because it was so close to where I was standing for a long time.

I went on a field trip with my students to a park. They were all swimming in the lake while us adults were watching them from the beach. I walked away for a moment and when I came back, one of them found a penny! She was with a student and said the rhyme "Find a penny, pick it up..." and then gave it to the student for good luck. It was cute. But... I was very jealous!

I would have loved to find that penny!! But i'm glad it made one of the students day.

Penny #31

2011-06-10T22:38:00.001-04:00

Thank you for the penny today in our friends driveway. Our friend said he put it there just for me, but I think he was picking on me.

There was also a dime right next to the penny. It just goes to show that you've been wanting to send me a lot more pennies than you can.

Love you so much sweetheart.

Penny #29 & #30

2011-05-30T21:42:00.002-04:00

Two pennies again today! Thank you so much hun! I appreciate all of the pennies you send me, even when i'm walking into a drug store to buy aloe because your mommy was silly and forgot sunblock today.

As we were out on the river today, I thought about you a lot. How you would have loved the boat and the water!! Or atleast how I hoped you would have loved!

So thank you for those pennies to know that you're thinking of me too. I love you sweetheart.

A phrase I hate

2011-05-27T10:44:00.000-04:00

I've been wanting to write about this topic for awhile now, but it was hard because I wanted to figure out how to properly say it. But screw properly!

A few people have said this phrase to me, and each time they did I wanted to rip their heads off. When it comes to certain people and their pregnancies..... "You HAVE to be happy for them".

It has been something I've been dealing with personally for a long time. I physically could not be happy for them, and it killed me inside that I couldn't. So to hear people tell me that I have to be, when no matter how hard I tried I couldn't.... Just eats at me even more.

Then, one day, it dawned on me. Who says I have to be happy for them? Who made that a rule? Why do I have to be happy for their good fortune, when mine was blown to bits? So I'm sorry for being so blunt, but NO. I don't have to be happy for you. I don't care how that makes me "look". I do not need to celebrate your joy and happiness, when I'm being shit on. I know its not your fault my world was crushed, but I don't need to stand off and watch your happy endings come true.

Now maybe this makes me a hypocrite. But not every pregnancy or every good fortune makes me feel this way. I have grown to love so many women who have been through hell and back much like me. Their pregnancies I jump for joy for. Those are the ones I can feel happiness for.

But for the others.... I guess I'm just still in the "anger" phase of my grief.

EDD - One year later

2011-05-26T19:42:00.000-04:00

Its Auroras estimated due date.... just one year later.

I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this day. Where my emotions would be. Surprisingly, I've been okay all day. I did get emotional during one part of the day at work, but it was for a totally legitimate reason. I have thought about Aurora a lot today, a lot more than usual.

To think that I would have a 1 year old right now. That we would have just had a big birthday party for her. To buy those princess themed items we saw in the lovely catalogs that were sent to us. A big birthday cupcake just for her. Smashing frosting all over the place. What I wouldn't give to have those moments with her.

I hope that someday, up in heaven, we'll have those moments finally.

Penny #28

2011-05-25T22:33:00.001-04:00

Thank you for the penny today. I saw it by the parking meter when I was going to dinner with a friend. I think it was your way of letting me
know things were going to be okay at that dinner. I really needed it.

Love you hun.

Penny #25, #26 and #27

2011-05-22T00:38:00.000-04:00

I know its technically the 22nd right now. But I never had a chance to write today.

Thank you hun for the pennies today. Your 13 month anniversary. Two of them were right next to each other outside the store. I was so happy when I knew there was just one there. But when I noticed the second one, I was even happier!!

The third penny was outside GGs house. Great Aunt Linda cleaned up some leaves, and under that pile was a penny. I'm so shocked she didn't notice it when she was cleaning.
Thank you for the pennies! I love you.

"So I heard you're a mother now"

2011-05-15T13:26:00.003-04:00

Growing up my brother played little league, and I played softball. There were tons of girls who played on my side of town. So many, that my small side of town had 4 teams. We got to know so many girls, and their parents too.

Today, I saw one of those parents at the book store. Someone I haven't seen since I was 16 years old. Her daughter and I used to be facebook friends, until I purged over 100 of them because I never really "talked" with them on there.

As we are BSing and catching up on how each other is doing, she says, "So, I heard you're a mother now! Congrats!" Knife... stab...

I kindly stated back to her, "Yes I am. Thank you. I have a wonderful step-son, and our daughter is in heaven. She was born still, we lost her last year."

I still hate how people do not know what to say after that. It's kind of a conversation killer. She said her sorries, and it was nice catching up with you.... and we went on our ways.

Just when you thought everyone knew... there's always that someone who didn't. *sigh*

Penny #24

2011-05-13T13:11:00.002-04:00

Thank you so much for the penny today! I was just walking around my classroom and there is was! In the middle of the floor! You must have known what a difficult week it has been for me here at work and how I needed a pick-me-up.

I love you darling!

Happy International Babylost Mothers Day

2011-05-01T21:57:00.006-04:00

We cleaned up the columbarium today from the fall and winter. Took care of all of the dead plants we planted last summer, and planted new ones. I knew on this day, we wanted to celebrate my Mothers Day a special way.

We needed to find a plant that will thrive in both the shade and the sun. There are two of these columbariums at the church. 8 spaces wide, 3 spaces high, and they have "rooms" (for lack of better term) on both sides. So far only a few of them are being used. A lot of them are reserved. Like the two on either side of Aurora. My parents are going on her right. Jason and I are going on her left.

Auroras side, we noticed, gets no sunlight at all. When the sun rises, it's blocked by the church. When it's overhead, it's blocked by the columbarium. When it sets, it's blocked by buildings.

The opposite side gets all of the sunlight all day long.

We found out begonias and petnias both do well with direct sunlight and shade.... but we HAD to go with begonias. It's a huge side story in our family.

Everything looks so much better now! I really hated the fall and winter, it looked so bare, so dreary. Now everything looks just, better! It looks so loving there.

I cannot wait for these flowers to really spread out and fill in the open space.

I also cannot wait until these clematis really start climbing all over this angel that my grandmother made!! It's going to look so beautiful there. I'm so glad Jason and I took over cleaning it and keeping it looking so nice.

Penny #22 and #23

2011-04-28T20:24:00.003-04:00

Thank you so much for the pennies today sweetheart!!

The first one was in our own driveway. I was walking up to dad in the garage when I just noticed it, there in the crack of the driveway where the garage door comes down. That one was meant for dad wasn't it? Since he's always in there.

The second one was when dad and I were at a store looking for a new camera. We were just talking on our way into the store that he thinks when I "look" for them, it's cheating. Well, on the way out of the store... I wasn't looking for them, and that's when I found it!

I love the fact that i've been finding more than one penny these past few times.

Thank you again so much hun. I hope these pennies mean good things to come.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

2011-04-21T23:59:00.005-04:00

Aurora sweetheart, Happy Birthday.

I broke down today, only once. I couldn't keep it inside me any longer. The way we celebrated your birthday today should NOT have been the way to celebrate it. We should have not had to visit you at the church. We should not have had to send letters to you to heaven. We should have all been together, laughing, cooing, and watching you smash your cake all over your face.

I was talking with another baby loss momma, who recently went through a 1st birthday as well. It's so hard to feel like anything your doing is the correct thing to do to celebrate your birthday. Nothing felt right, because this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. This isn't what I had dreamed about for you.

I hope you know how many people love you. I think your balloons should prove that.

So many, with wonderful notes just for you!
I do hope that you enjoyed your cupcake! This is always the kind of cake I had in mind for you.

Your father and I are not happy with the little mischievous act you pulled on us today. Your daddy and I both had letters for you... and we also had a card. How come everyone elses letters made it, while ours got stuck?

Daddy and I are going to send more letters up tomorrow. I hope those make it to you safely.

I love you my sweet Aurora.

And as the evening ticks on. It's almost 11:59pm... the exact moment you were born one year ago. So close to midnight and a brand new day. So close, to be exact... the clock changed no more than 5 seconds after you were born.

Until we meet again in heaven. I'm glad to know you're there watching over me. I love you so very much my sweet darling. I'm sending you all of my love, today and always.

Day 364

2011-04-20T09:21:00.003-04:00

Day 364 is reminding me a lot of Day 1. Well, maybe not exactly day 1... but day 10 or day 20. My emotions are on a roller coaster, and I'm having a hard time controlling them. Tears have been popping up for no known reason for about a week now, and only getting worse the closer we get to April 21st.

I honestly cannot believe that it's been a year. It really feels like yesterday that I was feeling her kicks inside me. That I was getting nervous that I haven't felt her in awhile. That I was sitting in the waiting room... just waiting to get called in. I can still hear the u/s techs voice as she excused herself from the room. I can still see the eyes of everyone as they saw me. I can still feel the hug my mother gave me when she first saw me.

The hospital room is so fresh in my memory. And so is seeing and holding my daughter for the first time and last time.

Today, my heart is still heavy with hurt. My mind still goes crazy with what should have been. My pain of losing my daughter still feels like day 1. Only now, it's a year later.

Thank you for the sign

2011-04-17T16:51:00.001-04:00

I have to admit. Whenever we go anywhere I always look for pennies. Today, however, it was quite windy and half of the time I couldn't see where I was walking, let alone look for pennies.

In one of the stores, I was looking for one last little part of a gift for someone. I found something that was perfect and bought it. My total? $4.21.

I'll take any sign you can give me. Thank you honey.

Penny #20 and 21

2011-04-12T21:50:00.001-04:00

Thank you for the pennies today at Uncle Shauns house. I was watching your cousins while Uncle Shaun was at work, when Uncle Shaun came back I was sitting outside. That's when I noticed a penny stuck in the dirt in his lawn. When I went to pick it up, that's when I noticed the second penny not far from it.

Thank you so much for that today.

More Pennies?

2011-04-07T22:14:00.002-04:00

My class and I went on a field trip this morning. On our way back onto the bus, the student right in front of me dropped a penny. I'm still not sure why she had a penny, and why she had it out... but she did. The penny fell, and landed right under the bus. It wasn't far under, and she could have easily picked it up, but I wouldn't let her since the bus was running. You never know, and we needed to be safe. Part of me wanted to pick it up, and take it as a penny from Aurora, but If I couldn't let her pick it up, I shouldn't have either.

She got sad for a split second, just a quick "Awww, my penny." But then I told her that it was okay. Someone was going to find that penny, and it'd be a penny from heaven to them and bring them comfort. She seemed to like that idea a lot.

It's so nice to know what a comfort such a small penny can really be.

Penny #18 & #19

2011-04-01T23:33:00.002-04:00

I found penny #18 and 19 on Monday morning. I took the morning off to get some bloodwork done to see why my body hates me so much. After leaving the doctors I stopped at Subway to get something to eat. I had to fast for my bloodwork, and was starving! As soon as I stepped into Subway, I found penny #18. I was on cloud nine!! I was waiting for the one worker to come serve me, but she was ringing a customer out.

That's when I heard coins drop. I looked over and the lady said "I'll get the quarter, but i'll leave the penny for someone." to her son.

The whole time I was waiting, I was thinking.... should I pick it up? Is it really a penny from heaven when I watched them drop it? And during that time of ordering my breakfast sandwich, i decided that it was a proper penny from heaven! My darling made her drop her change. So when I walked by, I picked that penny up!!!

Two pennies in the matter of 5 minutes! That made my whole week!

Closer to a year

2011-03-24T06:47:00.002-04:00

We're getting closer to the year mark, and it's starting to really scare me. How can it really have been a year already? Especially when it feels like it was just yesterday that she was still in me, kicking away.... planning for her future, having so many dreams for her.

11 months came and went, and Aurora was the only thing on my mind all day long. The 21st of any month will always sting in some way.

I wish I could say, that the pain is no longer there almost a year later... but it isn't. I can say that the pain is better. It's been a few weeks since I last cried because I missed her. The emptyness is still there, and the bitterness is still there. But almost a year later, it is better.

I love you Aurora.

Weight Watchers

2011-02-24T20:40:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I decided to start Weight Watchers back up again. It was very difficult for me to go back. I can't really pinpoint the reason why, I think mainly because of the leader. I remember when I told her that I was pregnant, and couldn't come anymore. She was so happy for me.

Then I remember hearing about her reaction when she found out we had lost Aurora. They said she had cried and even asked everyone to give a few thoughts and prayers to me during the meeting. I think seeing her again was hard. She came up to me giving me a huge hug when she saw me.

It's nice to know that I have a lot of support from her. I just wasn't sure if I was ready to head back. But here I am, in full swing.

10 Months

2011-02-21T22:53:00.003-05:00

How has it seriously been 10 months since we lost you Aurora?

There's so much I can say about 10 months. My first thought is, *only* 10 months? It feels like we've known you and loved you and missed you forever. It sometimes feels like this pain and this hurt has always been there. So the fact that it's only been here for 10 months is shocking.

10 months is so close to a year. The year mark is slowly creeping up on us, and it's starting to make me very nervous. Daddy and I are already planning your birthday, and what we want our tradition to be. An Aurora cupcake, balloons to heaven and visit to you at the church. The only part daddy and I aren't sure about yet is if we invite anyone or not. Do we invite them? Do we tell them what we are doing and they can show up if they want? Or do we just go and do our own thing?

10 months. I still cannot believe it.

Penny #17

2011-02-21T22:38:00.003-05:00

Thank you so much for the penny yesterday when I was in New Jersey. After being lost and on my way to meet a friend for lunch, I stumbled across it in the middle of the road I was crossing. I think it was your way to let me know that lunch was going to go great... which it did.

Money, money, money!

2011-02-19T07:52:00.000-05:00

I found another dime yesterday. And I'm still going to go with my original thought, that Aurora wanted to send me 10 pennies but knew that'd be too much.

I also had a dream last night that pennies were everywhere! There were pennies everywhere I looked and I picked them up and lost count after a while.

I really really cherish this little sign of mine. It helps me, and my family. I love it when my nephew comes running up to me showing him a penny he found from heaven. I love it when my parents mention they found some more.

Keep sending those pennies Aurora!

Penny #16

2011-02-12T16:47:00.001-05:00

Thank you for the penny today! I saw it as soon as I stepped out of the car. You really seem to know when I need these pennies. I love that, and I love you.

Penny #15

2011-02-10T22:15:00.001-05:00

Thank you so much for my penny today. I have to admit, when I went to a few stores after work I was searching for pennies. I really needed one from you today. My eyes scanned the parking lot the whole way into the store. That's when I found a dime. My baby wanted to shower me with pennies but knew that would be too many to send, so she sent me a dime. I loved it. On my way back to the car, trying not to slip on the ice, is when I noticed the penny. Thank you so much love. I really needed it today.

Big Sister

2011-02-10T06:40:00.003-05:00

I was debating writing this on here, because there are a lot of family and close friends who read this.

We found out on February 1st that Aurora was going to be a big sister. We had hoped so much that she would be a big sister because we know that she will be the best big sister ever! Jason and I were excited and yet very nervous.

However, after 3 blood draws, we found out on the 8th that her time to be a big sister would not be now. All of the pain after losing Aurora came back and added to it the pain of losing baby Almond only after a week.

I know Aurora is now taking care of her very small, very fragile brother or sister.

We love you Aurora. I know someday you'll make an amazing big sister... I just don't know when that will be.

Signs are everywhere!

2011-02-05T19:29:00.005-05:00

Yesterday at Bunko I was feeling quite lucky. I had already gotten the very first bunko, which is a prize at the end of the night. But at the end of the first round, I totalled up my wins, losses and bunkos. This is what came up.

Thank you for that sign last night. I'll gladly take any and every sign from you sweetheart. I love you.

You are the world

2011-01-17T13:46:00.003-05:00

Dear Aurora,

Your half brother just came up to me, no more than 2 minutes ago, and said he needed a hug. He told me he was just thinking of... but then he trailed off. I know he was just thinking about you.

He told me about something that Papa made for you. He then said, that he wants to give a speech. He said, "Even though Aurora never saw the world, I believe that she is the world." and he couldn't be more right. You are the world Aurora.

Your brother loves you so very much.

Love, Mom

I'm liking this new year!

2011-01-06T21:11:00.003-05:00

Since the holidays, i've actually been doing really well emotionally. I can't really explain the change, but I can feel it. Don't get me wrong, I still miss Aurora like crazy, and still get sad sometimes.... but i'm different now.

I thought having a blog would help me express myself. However, it's so hard when I don't even know how to describe it to myself.

I kind of knew that I've been feeling better, but never really wanted to admit to it. That was until today, when a co-worker at work told me I looked beautiful. This lady, I like to call her the witch doctor, for various reasons. She speaks with a very heavy spanish accent, and she said I looked extra beautiful today, gestured with her hands around her face and gave me two thumbs up.

I knew exactly what her gestures meant. I looked happier. I looked myself. I didn't look like a woman taken over by grief, by the loss of a daughter. As much as I dont like to think that I looked that way... I did. You could tell by looking at me that I was not in a good place. I could always tell with my eyes.

Today, however, is different. I can't pinpoint exactly when I started to feel better. I can't tell you when the major grief started to go away... but it did. I can feel it, and i'm glad others can see it.

I just hope that this is a sign of better things to come for Jason and I.

I love you my darling Aurora.

New Year's Eve

2010-12-31T14:18:00.003-05:00

In my family we always hide money outside on New Year's Eve and retrieve it on New Year's Day. It represents there always being enough money found to live throughout the coming year. Everyone always has their own box of money with coins from their year of their birth.

This year, we made a box for Aurora. I want to place it at the columnbarium tonight and we'll retrieve it tomorrow. So far her box only has nickles and pennies in it. I cannot find any other coin for 2010 yet. I want dollar coins, half dollars, quarters and dimes too. Don't they make new coins every year? I'm very shocked we haven't found these yet.

I'm glad to see 2010 go. Even though it was the year we met our little girl, it's also the year we lost her and also a year of so many other struggles. I really hope that the new year will bring lots of happiness to our family that we have yet to find.

I also hope the new year brings luck and happiness to all of the wonderful women I have gotten to know these past 8 months. For the kind of hell we've been put through, I think we deserve it.

So Alone

2010-12-30T18:18:00.004-05:00

I've been home alone a lot for awhile now. If Jason is working, and I am not... there's really not much that I can do but sit home. Today wasn't my first day alone. But for some reason, it felt like it.

I don't know if it is the New Year coming up, the recent holiday or my struggles in TTC catching up with me. I just felt like crawling back into bed and sleeping all day long. None of the usual distractions for me worked today. Laundry, dishes, TV, online games, online forums, reading my book... NONE of it took away this alone feeling. NONE of it took away the empty feeling in my heart.

I sometimes think that this feeling will never really go away. That scares me. It also scares me to think that the feeling will go away. I hate it.

Penny #14

2010-12-26T09:35:00.001-05:00

Thank you for the penny today. We stopped at CVS before picking up your half brother. I had some pennies in my pocket and was dropping some pennies for other angels. I had dropped one before going in. On our way out I started to drop a few more when I noticed a penny I had not noticed on our way in. I had to stop and double check with dad that I had only dropped the one penny before going into the store. I knew that one was for me. Thank you so much for all of the pennies lately. We are missing you like crazy lately.

First Christmas In Heaven

2010-12-24T22:20:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas my dear sweet Aurora. I hope that you are enjoying your first Christmas in heaven. Mommy and Daddy miss you a lot down here and wish you could be here so we can spoil you rotten. You will be on our thoughts all day, much like every day, but even more today. We love you.

Penny #13

2010-12-23T17:45:00.003-05:00

Thank you for the penny today honey! I was out doing some last minute shopping with Grandma and Poppy, when we stopped at Wegmans. It was there as soon as we got out of the car. I had to say to grandma, "excuse me, there's something i'd like to pick up." Because she didn't see it yet.

I was thinking about you a lot today too. Thinking about all of the stuff we would have bought you. I'm sending you lots of hugs and kisses for your first Christmas in heaven.

Penny #12

2010-12-19T11:27:00.001-05:00

Thank you for the penny today at the grocery store. I ran in real quick to grab some items to make a shrimp chowder that I'm going to share with Great Grandma. I had actually dropped a penny of my own a few seconds before noticing the penny from you. Its been awhile since I found a penny from you. So thank you very much. With Christmas coming up I really needed it. Love you and miss you tons.

PS. And now looking at the clock I found it around 11:23. Thank you for that.

Candlelight Ceremony

2010-12-12T22:41:00.005-05:00

Tonight, my support group had a candlelight ceremony to honor all of our children. It was both beautiful, and very hard to sit through.

My parents, were chosen to read the Grandparents credo. Watching the both of them stand up in front of everyone and stating how their "grief is two-fold and at time we feel powerless to help." hit me so hard. The biggest line that hit me in the credo was "We allow traditions to change." Because that is exactly what they did for me this Thanksgiving. My parents have been our rock through all of this, completely understanding of everything that Jason and I are going through. I honestly do not know what I would have done with out them.

A candle to burn with a glowing flame
To symbolize your face and name
A holiday season, an annual strain
We try to be joyful and play the game

So we'll rekindle our flame of love
For you, on this special nice.
We love you, child, and the special
Lit candle, that now burns bright.

A Special Tradition from Great Grandma

2010-12-11T12:16:00.005-05:00

Every year, since the year I was born, my grandmother has been buying me a collectors piece from Reed & Barton. I get the Noel Bell. And this year I will be getting my 30th bell from her.

This is not only a tradition she does with myself. She gets a total of 14 yearly items for everyone. When Nick and Jason joined our family, they started getting one too.

This year I took my grandmother to the jewerly store to pick up all of the items. I sat with her as each one was shown to her and as she named off who they were all for. Then out one came, a new order, and she couldn't remember why she ordered it. They can't remember if she ordered it, or if the people at the store ordered it thinking she might be interested in it.... since she does have the biggest order every year of these yearly items. They sat there wondering. It was a new item, a 1st edition, and I think it was for Aurora. She places her order for the next year when she picks up the items for the current year. I think she placed an order for Auroras.

A few days later my grandmother called me asking me to take her back to the jewerly store. When we sat down the lady brought out two items and wanted me to choose. Grandma looked at me and said she wanted to get a special ornament for our tree for Aurora. There was a beautiful crystal angel and a silver butterfly to choose from.

It just so happened that the silver butterfly was a Reed & Barton, from the same company who makes my bell. It was perfect.

So when we went out to get our tree today. Her ornament was the first one I placed on it.

It is a beautiful butterfly. It is beatiful like Aurora, and will always be treasured.

Thank you (Great) Grandma.

Oh Christmas Tree

2010-12-04T20:37:00.006-05:00

Jason and I decided to get a Christmas tree for Aurora and everyone at her columbarium. We set up the special tree tonight.

We put some dragonfly ornaments on her tree, and also have some silver balls that we are write all of the names of the people in the columbarium on. The two special ones are going to Aurora and my Poppy.

There are still bad days

2010-12-04T13:32:00.002-05:00

Sometimes something happens in your life and in a blink of an eye, it totally changes. Sometimes for good, and sometimes not. Sometimes things can happen so suddenly, that you don't have time to prepare. You spend the next days, weeks, months and years putting the pieces back together.

There are still days, that all I want to do is curl up and go back to bed. There are still days that the dishes wait a little longer, the laundry piles up and the bed doesn't get made. These are the days where I think about the should have beens. The, what I would be doing today if things had turned out differently.

"Some love stories are not epic novels. Some are short stories, but that doesn't make them any less filled with love."

Merry Christmas

2010-12-02T18:04:00.004-05:00

I wasn't quite sure how to word our Christmas cards this year. I didn't really want to put "The Blaisures" because it seems so informal. We couldn't just put from Stephanie and Jason, because we had Nick there too.... but if I added Nick, it felt weird. Part of me wanted to include Aurora too.

So since we couldn't make up our minds, we went with the plain "The Blaisures".

We did include Aurora in our family photo. Every year we always get a family photo done, and from now on we will always include the rose in our pictures. Aurora will always be with us and be included when we do family things.

I just wish our family photo would have been different.

Happy (?) Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T11:17:00.004-05:00

Today has turned out to be harder than I thought it was going to be. I just can't be thankful for anything when the thing that I am not thankful for is so huge. I'm trying, I really am. I just can't do it. I can't help but think about all the things I should be doing today. I can't help but think about the cute thanksgiving outfit I would have bought for Aurora. I can't help but think about how Aurora would be on solids now, and how I would have found a turkey flavored baby food.

I can't help but think about all of these things that I should have been so thankful for... and then the tears come.

So now I have to go, and try my best not to be sad to bring everyone else down. I just hate this. I hate all of this.

7 months later, and today hurts just as badly as it did day 1.

I think the part that hurts the most, is seeing everyone else being thankful for things that I can't be thankful for. And the whole thought of why them and not me. Why do they get to be thankful today. Why do they get their happy ending and not me. What the hell did they do so much better that they deserve it more than I do?

Pity party today for one. Happy not-so-thankful Thanksgiving to you.

This Week is full of Milestones

2010-11-22T22:24:00.004-05:00

This week is so full of big days and milestones. The first one being yesterday, 7 months since we lost Aurora. 7 months?! I sometimes think about where the time has gone, it doesn't seem like it's has been 7 months at all. To think that Aurora would have been 6 months (or almost 6 months old) boggles my mind. 7 months also means that we are getting closer to 12 months. 7 months is 7 months too long to go without her.

The next big day would be tomorrow. My birthday. This time last year, I did not think that I would be childless on my birthday. I always had this number in my head that I wanted children by.... 30. Now, I'm one year closer to not reaching that goal. I know it wont be the end of the world if I do not have a child by this time next year, but it will be a big disappointment.

Third, Thanksgiving. As I think it will be hard for anyone who has lost their child this year. Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, but honestly... I can't think of what to be thankful for.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer about it. I know I have a wonderful family, a loving husband, a decent job, a roof over my head and food in my fridge. But without Aurora in my arms, it's hard to push that aside and be thankful for everything else that we do have. All I am reminded about is what I don't have, and that's my daughter. How can I give thanks when I'm not thankful for what has happened this year?

These next few days are going to be difficult. A week of milestones. I hate milestones.

I dreamed!

2010-11-02T15:29:00.003-04:00

I dreamed of Aurora last night!!! The part of the dream that was the best was when I found a note from Jason talking about how he got up this morning, changed her diaper and got her dressed in a costume. So when I went to get her, she was dressed in a crocheted bunny outfit that was way too cute. I picked her up and started talking to her. I asked her if she wanted to have some tummy time today and she was smiling at me.

I didn't want to wake up from my dream, but I did. I'm glad I could have slept in today, because I did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to go back to sleep and dream some more of my dear Aurora.

I hope I can have more dreams of her soon.

6 Months + 2 days

2010-10-23T23:33:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe it has been 6 months since we lost Aurora. A half a year has gone by, and I now sit here feeling just as hopeless as day 1. I still think of Aurora every day, and I have started to wonder if there ever will be a day that she doesn't cross my mind. Maybe someday, but honestly, I hope not.

Jason got a penny from Aurora on Thursday. This is only his 2nd penny, I believe. How great is it that he got it on the 6 month mark?! I was actually quite jealous. But when I never even left the house, except to take the dog out, I can't really expect a penny.
I miss you Aurora. I will love you always.

October 15th

2010-10-19T13:15:00.005-04:00

I never did get around to writing on October 15th like I wanted to. October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is to promote Support, Education and Awareness for grieving parents nationwide (and worldwide).

Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

I feel as though I am in such a better place than I could have been because I was not grieving in silence. I spoke, and continue to speak about my loss. I speak about Aurora all of the time, visit her all of the time and love her always.

I honestly would hate to know where I would be if I wasn't open about my loss and all of my feelings. I know I wouldn't be where I am today. I know I wouldn't be able to smile today when I think of Aurora.

At 7pm, we lit a candle for Aurora.

This is something that we'll continue to do for the next many many years!

Lighting a candle is not just something that a family does for their little one. It is also something that anyone can do to remember all of the babies lost. I hope that next year, some of you will join us in lighting a candle, not only for Aurora, but for all of the babies lost.

Feeling comfortable

2010-10-13T15:03:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel as though I'll never be comfortable when I am around people who are talking and pregnancies and babies. I just sometimes feel like I am always looking for the nearest exit or the best excuse to leave. How can I change the subject of a topic that everyone seems to love to talk about? I hate it.

I really wish that all pregnancies and babies would just disappear until I am ready to move on. And then, they can come back and be exactly where they should be. Or, what would be better is goggles. Special baby goggles that won't make me see pregnant bellies or little babies. And then I'd need special earmuffs too. It would drown out all of the chatter of pregnancies that will all turn out perfectly fine.

The ear muffs would be so perfect. It would change all of the stupid comments that people say! The best one yet has been, next time... "It'll be easier." I looked at them with a side eye, not quite sure what they meant. Next time, delivery will be easier. What the heck!? Ear muffs would have been wonderful at that moment.

Ear muffs and goggles. If anyone can invent those things so I no longer have to feel the discomfort, I'd appreciate it.

Penny #11

2010-10-11T22:34:00.001-04:00

Thank you for the penny today at the grocery store. I actually had two pennies in my hand ready to drop for other angels. I was looking for a good spot to drop one when I found it. Thank you honey. I love you.

Quit looking at me!

2010-10-06T18:25:00.002-04:00

This is the newest thing that I have been getting. People see me, they say hello and then they glance at my stomach. What the heck is that all about??? Are they looking to see if I'm pregnant again? Well even when I was 8 months pregnant you couldn't tell I was pregnant at all. Or are you looking to see if losing my child did something to me? I really don't understand the look.

I wish I could say it was just one or two people doing it. But after I noticed these one or two people, I started noticing a lot of other people doing it too.

Do these people have magic ute glasses that I don't know about?

I don't know why this bothers me. It makes me feel a little self conscious when they do it. I'm constantly checking to see if I have a stain or got anything on me. So please.... just stop looking at my stomach. All you'll see there is fat.

Walking To Remember

2010-10-04T14:37:00.002-04:00

There is a tree at the park that I used to walk at, it's a tree dedicated to the families that have lost a baby. I have never noticed this tree before yesterday.

The annual Walk To Remember was held yesterday. It's a walk I never knew existed before, but I'm so glad it does. It was a short walk, around one section of the park. One that was quiet and peaceful.

We all had pink carnations that represented our LO, and at the end of the walk we placed them in the tree that is dedicated to us. The walk, the tree, the things I never knew were there.... now mean so much to me.

Not only did I think about Aurora and remember her for our walk... but I also thought about all of the other babies of all of the women who have helped me through so much these past 5 months. Without them, I don't know where i'd be right now.

We plan on walking every year now. Nicolas told me that even after we die, he'll still be going to that walk to remember Aurora too.

I really wish all communities had this walk.

Penny #10

2010-10-04T14:34:00.003-04:00

Thank you so much for the penny yesterday. I was just noting how long it has been since I had gotten one from you. Thank you for Uncle Timmys penny too. Did you see how he tried to get me to "find" it?? How silly! He's the one who found it, it was meant for him... no matter how much he thinks it wasn't.

I know it wasn't meant for me, but it was a way for me to find the one you left for me. Because on our "walk" to "find" the penny that Uncle Timmy had already found, is when I found the one from you. Right out smack dab in the open too on his stairs outside.

Thank you so much. We love you and miss you. We spent a lot of time thinking of you yesterday.

5 Months

2010-09-22T15:33:00.002-04:00

How did the 5 month mark pass, and I didn't even realize it. I went the whole day, thinking of Aurora, but never thinking about what the actual day was.

I cannot believe it's been 5 months already. 5 months since I held Aurora in my arms. 5 months since we said hello, and good bye at the same time.

While at times, it feels as though we are still so fresh and new with our grief. It also feels like it has been forever. I find it hard to remember the times before we lost Aurora. This pain, this emptiness. It feels like it has always been there. I cannot remember being happy. Truly happy. Is that strange? Is that wrong?

The months have seemed to fly by without her, and they have seemed to drag on too.

I think I am still in shock over all of this. My feelings are still so fresh, new, and so hard to explain. The deadness, the emptiness, the loss of hope.

I love you Aurora. And I miss you more than words can say.

A year ago today...

2010-09-19T22:12:00.003-04:00

A year ago today, I woke up early after having a very vivid dream of a baby girl being dropped off at my door. We were having a garage sale and Jason was busy setting up. I decided to take a pregnancy test, even though every single test I took before that always came back negative.

When that blue line showed up i didn't know what to think. That line NEVER showed up before!

I called Jason right upstairs, when he saw the test we couldn't stop smiling and hugging. It was honestly the best feeling.

I found my copy of What to expect while you're expecting and actually started to read it. I had no clue how far along I was, but suddenly the signs started making sense.

One year ago today was the beginning of our dreams and hopes of the future. Who knew that the dream would all come crashing down on us just 7 months later.

Penny #9

2010-09-06T22:59:00.003-04:00

Thank you for the penny today when we were dropping your half brother off with his mom. I really needed the good pick me up today. I've been missing you a lot lately, thinking about the could have beens. The what would we be doing right now if you were still with us?

As the "one year ago" mark is coming up on when we first found out about you arrives, i've also been thinking about the things that were happening one year ago. You've been on my mind even more than ever, and since you are on my mind every minute of every day already... that tells you how much you are on it.

I love you. And thank you still for all of the pennies.

Faces of Loss

2010-09-01T15:05:00.005-04:00

I shared my story, along with too many other women on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.

Although writing that story was quite difficult, it did feel good when I was done. Just like the group meetings that I go to, it hurts to talk about losing Aurora... but afterwards it's so much better.

I hope that my story gives hope to some of the other women out there coming across the website. I have read a lot of other stories, and have been moved by them. It's not fair that this has happened to these women. A website like that should not have needed to be made. But since it is, i'm glad to be a part of it and the hope that it brings.

Dreaming

2010-08-26T19:54:00.003-04:00

I still have not dreamed of Aurora. I can't wait for the night that I do.

However, last night I dreamed of a dragonfly. I dreamed that one landed on my hand and just hung out there for the longest time. I felt some comfort come over me.

I still cannot wait until the day where I see my daughter in my dreams. But for now, i'll take all the dragonfly dreams I can take.

This Woman's Work

2010-08-23T21:46:00.001-04:00

All The Things We Should've Said That I Never Said,
All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,
All The Things We Should've Given But I Didn't,
Oh Darling Make It Go,
Make It Go Away...
Give Me These Moments,
Give Them Back To Me,
Give Me A Little Kiss,
Give Me Your...
Give Me Your Hand Baby,
Give Me Your Pretty Hand,
Ooh My,
Your Love Child,
Whatever You Need,
Give Me Your Hand,
Give Me Your Hand Babe